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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,My man and I have been together for 8 months. At the beginning it was absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun together and just simply enjoyed being with one another. We have the same interests and the same goals in life. We both see a future for us. BUT I only broke up with my previous boyfriend about 1 month before we starting going out. I didn't realise it until now that I still had baggage from that relationship. Basically about 2 months ago everyting was getting to me, my ex was being a pain, I wasn't enjoying work, I hated my flatmate and was generally unhappy. I started to think that it was my relationship that was making me happy. That my man was making me unhappy. So I told him and I have told him many times since. In the last two months we have had many downs and he has slowly started withdrawing from me. Basically he really doesn't show me affection anymore, doesn't want to have sex and generally seems uninterested in the relationship. I have only in the last couple of days realised that it was never him that made me unhappy it was everything else (I was actually mimicking my exes behaviour as he always blamed me if anything went wrong). Basically I was blaming him for everything, where he was the best part of my life. I have created this situation. I have made him withdraw from me. I have admitted to him that it was me and never him and apologised. He said that he still wants to be with me but I have made him feel that he can't do anything to make me happy. He doesn't know if he loves me and that zing feeling has gone. But even though he has said all these things we are still together. So thankfully I haven't lost him yet. But what do I do to get it all back? Have I damaged the relationship so we will never get it back? Should I back off a little and give him some space?I love him so much and regret how I have treated him. I really want to get back what we had!Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2005): Before he can come back into your life, you have to learn to forgive...especially the others who caused the baggage in your life. Then and only then, will you be able to put the emotional baggage away for good. Forgiveness will reduce anxiety and depression while increasing your self-esteem. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver far more than the forgiven. With forgiveness..you then can resolve to better understand yourself, your weaknesses, and specifically what went wrong – so you don’t repeat what happened.
And remember, when to let go of the baggage is not to change or blame your boyfriend, but to allow him to be a human being (failings and all). My suggestion is to give yourself time and space to think about the baggage and come to terms with how it has negatively impacted your relationship with him. In other words, before he comes back, you need to de-clutter your life..put all this negative stuff to rest, once and for all. If you don't and he comes back..it will be just a matter of time and your relationship will be in trouble again.
Resolve your anger by working through issues and by talking them out with friends and family..people you trust. Do some venting, enjoy life, read a LOT about healing, learn how not to let the past control your present. It may a good idea to visit a counselor or your pastor, minister, etc.
Please remember, the past cannot be changed. It cannot be erased. But you can learn from the past and forgiving is letting go. Get yourself ship-shape first and then you and he can continue to build a healthy, loving relationship together. You say you and he are still together..then obviously his love for you is strong. It sounds like he's waiting for when you get all this figured out. He sounds like a good man. Remember, you are human and everyone has baggage..everyone! You are not alone. Good Luck and Take care. Hugs, Irish
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