A
male
age
36-40,
*egru
writes:(sorry for the long text..)My dream girl just left me..and I'm dying without her I've been madly in love with this girl for my past 5 years (i'm 20 now), all throughout high-school..one year ago, we got together. I was never happier in my life..she really was my perfect dream girl, and she was mine. She was the first girl I was with, the first one I ever kissed.We had a wonderful relationship, everyone was so happy for us..and it really felt like we could spend our whole life together. We had to go through a horrible situation, when she left for college, but we promised we'd stay together, even if it could mean 4 years spent apart. Then, our dream came true..I got accepted at her college, and we finally had a beautiful future to look forward to..it was unbelievable But then, she started smoking weed, and doing other stuff, and it completely changed her. She said her whole life changed, that she doesn't love me anymore, and then she dumped me..only 2 months before we would've gotten back together. Then I found out she's into some other guy there..and after that we haven't spoken at all...that was 7 days ago..And I'll be going to that school in 5 months, I don't know what I'll do. It was my dream to go with her to that school (it's Brown U., in case you're wondering) but now I feel it will be a living hell...I'm a foreigner, I won't have any friends there or anything..and even if I move on, I find very unlikely to find another girl..and love is all I really want in my life..I was really lucky to end up with her..and she was everything I ever needed,..it feels I have nothing now, nothing to look forward to.. In 2 months she'll come back for the vacation. What should I do? I really want to see her, but I don't think I could stand a cold stare from her..And I'm not sure I want to move on...I've never been so sure about something in my life than my love for her..and I've been through a lot, I really matured, but this is way too much..and it feels like she is worth all the tears in the world. I’m willing to wait another 4 years just for her…call me crazy...I call it love…ya, I’m a hopeless romanticI just can’t let it go, because it didn’t end “normally”, and because we were so close to finally fulfilling our dream. I try my best to get over it…but one single thought of how great all could’ve been and all the pain comes back. I manage a day without crying, but then I dream about her, and when I wake up alone, it feels terrible, and I’m back where I started..and it just keeps getting worse..I can’t stand the thought that she may stay with that guy for the rest of her life...when it should’ve been me….no one cared or loved her or waited or cried for her as much as I did..i never hurt her in any way, and never would have…this feels so unfairAnd the only thing keeping me alive and sane right now is my hope…hope that some day, we’ll be together again..
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male
reader, negru +, writes (31 March 2007):
negru is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I admit it, I am very weak when it comes to her. I have had my share of ups and downs, I know the whole thing about learning from pain, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" stuff. But whenever I went through something like this, I still had something to hang on to. A future of some sort, be it a friend, school, whatever. I am not weak in general, but this time I really put all my trust and heart into her hands. And before now I never actually realized how much I want love. And the thought of spending 4 years, or who knows, without someone to care for me, without a girl to have a romantic walk under the moon is just horrible. It feels like I'm wasting time, and damn, while in college, which seemed such a wonderful opportunity.
And it wasn't something like, oh I see her, talk to her, then we end together. It wasn't a love that just happened, but one that I really waited and cried and never even dared hope for..for, what, how long? 1/4 of my life? pretty hard to let go..
And it's not that I'm blind. I attach quickly, and if I find another girl, I'm sure I'll forget about my ex. But how can I expect to do that? If I find a girl there, I wouldn't want to spend another 4-5 months apart, while we each return home for the winter/summer..me in romania and her in..india, or where?
And I was really really lucky to win her over. I'm very shy, I'm not very handsome (I mean I can be, to a particular type of girls, which unfortunately don't exist there), I talk very little, in other words, I really suck at socializing. I never asked a girl out or anything, with my ex, everything just came by chance.
Ya, so, good luck to me in making new friends in a new country..
(oh, i don't think i was clear in my question. up until this autumn, we were still in our home country, romania, and then she started college in the US..and I'll be joining next fall)
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (31 March 2007):
 I don't think you're weak Negru, I think you're sensitive and lonely. You're in another country with a different culture to your own, you befriended this woman and started seeing one another. That's why one has a relationship, to see if we are compatible with another. As time goes on, people change, thing is... is the bond between you strong enough to accept the changes as they happen? Do you really want to be with a woman who doesn't respect you and says she doesn't love you any more? Don't you think you are worth far more than that?
As time went on it was obvious you were NOT compatible, not compatible enough to live a life together. People's priorities change as they grow older and hers obviously has. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you Negru. She was your first love and first love's are always special, but there WILL be other loves, you just need to believe in yourself more, assert yourself. You can and will meet someone else!
Let's put it this way, you have 2 choices: 1. You mope around feeling sorry for yourself, this woman has destroyed your life and you'll never feel the same way again. You can blame her and pine for her... doesn't bring her back though OR
2. You say to yourself, "okay Negru, so it didn't work out, she wasn't the woman I thought she was, I deserve far better than that and when I find her I want to be the best I can be.. so I'm going to study hard, finish my education, become successful and look after myself. When the time is right the right woman WILL come along, and when she does... I'll be waiting, to love and cherish her and she will love and cherish me in return!"
Think POSITIVE thoughts Negru, if you do then positive things will happen. Close the door on this relationship and when you do you'll be amazed how other doors open for you! YOU CAN ACHIEVE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE! You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. So go for it! Make new friends, finish your education, get a good career and the rest will fall into place. You'll look back a few years from now and laugh at how insecure and stuck on this woman you were. Move forward, think positive and be confident! Here are a couple of links to build your confidence.
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence
http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_confidence_tips.htm
I wish you all the very best, the right woman WILL come along when the time is right. :o)
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I'll have to be harsher here with you Negru, though I'm sure you need some better comforting words. There are a few key elements here:
1) You're a foreigner who doesn't have many or any friends there, so you revolve your entire life around this 'dream' girl of your's. This possible pushed her away, that you're not really a man in the relationship but just some kid who needs a lot of attention and love.
2) When you're in high school, it is an ideal to meet your sweet heart, go through the turmoils of college/uni, and possibly get married after, and have a family, but it's unrealistic. It is the time leading up to, during college and uni that people see the bigger picture, that they are exposed to the real world and not the simplistic politics of the school yard.
3) Your last sentence saying "And the only thing keeping me alive and sane right now is my hope…hope that some day, we’ll be together again.." tells me that you are internally weak. That you have no foundation for life or living, and that if I was your dad, I would be very disappointed at you for hoping for such things just so you can live.
You're 20. I ask you Negru, and I'll be blunt about it, what makes you think you deserve her or vice-versa? You said she started smoking weed and stuff. There is always room for experimentation. How do you know that she is THE ONE and ONLY? You even said, you're a foreigner and life revolved around her. Did you know that outside of your fantasy bubble, there are about 3 billion other women out there?
Negru, what you need to do, is get out more, and open yourself up to others, and build on yourself - your insides, then expand outwards. A strong person do not need anyone else, BUT know that it is understandable to desire someone else to be with, to share things with, to experience things with, etc, etc, etc. Just know that the centre of the universe is yourself, as every individual is. Adjust your life, make it revolve around your own and to those who deserve to be within your orbit.
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A
female
reader, Try 2 +, writes (30 March 2007):
when you go through a break up it hurts. that type of pain your feeling we all go through it. relationships are like classes every relationship you go into (and you will have more) you learn something new. you have to go through the bad times to really know what a good time is. right now you feel you have had 1 major life changing experience. as you get older you will learn exactly what you want and do not want in a girl. look at it this way, now you know what to look for, and what you want from your next relationship. and never say never. you never know what the future has for you. when you go to university you will meet so many different people. this is where you meet your friends for the rest of your life. good luck
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