A
female
age
41-50,
*atient1
writes:I just seperated from my husband 5 days ago, and it's no secret that he wants me back but I know I'm not ready for that yet. I left him not just because he's an alcoholic, but because he's an alcoholic who has hurt me over and over again mentally and physically for the past two years. I simply could not take anymore. He's asked me to bring our children over to see him this weekend and I said I would. Now he's wanting me to spend the weekend with him so he can prove to me that he has learned his lesson from all this and so I can see how he has changed. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I do want to see if he's made changes, but I'm not sure that spending the weekend with him is a good idea. Will it show a sign of weakness on my behalf? And what if he wants to engage in intercourse? If we sleep together is that giving in? I'm afraid that if we sleep together (even though we are married) that he will assume everything is O.K. again. Thanks in advance for any advice.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (31 March 2007):
 Hi,
My sister is in a little of the same situation, Hes not an alcholic although is does drink and that is part of a problem but there are alot of other issues involved, such as hes so over protective she had no room to be her anymore and hes very controlling and so on. Anyway, they have 2 kids also, been married 6 years and 6 weeks ago broke up due to him being very unreasonable and behaving very abusive towards her, just beacuse she wanted to have more of a life.. its a long story but anyway... after 6 weeks they hadnt been able to resolve a single thing, mainly due to his stubborness, quick to blame her, she took it on the chin and didnt want to loose him and so on... obviously loves him so very much,then out of the blue even though they had been in contact,he asks to meet her, she said okay so they did,.. at this met they had sex.. big mistake!
First off she was like oh things are gonna be great now, hes changed, hes told me where he thinks we went wrong,he told her everyting she wanted to hear how things were gonna be okay, they had a chat and things were looking up.... then after 3 days of sleeping together, when things seemed great, great sex and so on... she realised thats all they had managed to acheive was sex... shes wished she hadnt as they are now back at squre one, she feels used and even more hurt than when she started and he now appears to be calling the shots! Its gone back to the point of where they broke up, hes still blaming her, still drinking and behaving as if there is no problem.. needless to say shes angered hurt even more as his promises meant nothing, hes using the sex to say we had it back it was all there for the taking and you have shoved it back at me. She took the sex as being wanted, he took it as shes forgiven me. They now have an even longer road back... and have realised that he has alot deeper issues to deal with and needs to get those sorted before they can share a maritial bed again. They are going to seek counselling and try and build from there. BUt from what I have seen of late, the sex was the biggest mistake she could have made and shes now feels even worse than when they first decided to break up.
5 days is no where near long enough for someone to change, someone to see the error of their ways, my sis and her husband had 6 weeks to work on and nothing that had been said or promised had been gained or resolved. All he said to her were empty promises, things she wanted to hear and the sex complicated it, made her feel wanted, wanted him to love her, it all got clouded, it made her thinkg things were on the right road, made her see how much she loved hi, but shes the only one trying, hes just to quick to shoevel the blame rather than reslove anything.
They are now in a bigger mess than they started, he feels the wrong signal was given and has blamed her! You need to take proper time to work things through, its not going to happen in 5 days, by having sex as much as you want to is just going to undo the work so far to make your marriage work. She was weak, she gave in, she thought it would all be okay, but its not it just covers up the real issue.
You need to work on the bigger picture and the sex is not the issue here. You have to be strong and not give in, if you do you will only be in the same sitution in a couple of months time. You need to work thorugh the issues and this takes time, it will not help to sleep with him, and he most certainly will not have learned his lesson so to speak, by you having sex will tell him that things are all ok and you go back as you were, when u know this is not the case.
Take care xx
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (31 March 2007):
 You are absolutely right, sleeping with him WILL make him think everything is okay. He's doing this on purpose, luring you to come over "to see the kids" but wanting you to stay. Take the kids over to him, leave them with him then call back for them in a few hours time! DO NOT WAIT THE NIGHT THERE! It will only undo everything you already done and the next time you say you're leaving, he won't believe you, it didn't work last time so why should he take any notice next time.
No, what you NEED to do is tell him... "prove to me by your ACTIONS that you have changed." Tell him you'll give him 3 months. See if he can get off the booze and smarten his act up! During that time there is no intercourse, kissing, nothing! If he really loves you and wants to be with you and the kids then he'll do it! But if you give in to him this weekend and stay (even although you may want to) then you'll only instil in him that YOU are weak and he'll home in on that. He's the one with the problem and YOU have to be the strong one here. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean know. Be consistent and in time, if you really mean anything to him then you'll see big changes!
Eve
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