A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,This isn't about a romantic relationship but my heart is shattered in pieces all over the floor.I am grieving for my baby angel, a beautiful German Shepherd. She was 15 years old and she gave me unconditional love for half of my life. She came into my life when I was a teenager and battling depression, other problems and felt alone in the world, like no one cared about me (maybe I was wrong, but that's how I felt). She kissed away my tears when I was dying of a broken heart because my then-boyfriend abandoned me for another girl. (I have another boyfriend now and he is sweet and wonderful, but that's another story). I loved her with my whole heart and I would have given my life for her. In fact, every night I would sing ''I'd Give My Life For You,'' which is the main song that Kim, from Miss Saigon, sings to her son. I loved Gretchen as much as Kim (if you're familiar with the musical) loved her child and it was one of Gretchen's favorite songs to. She went everywhere with me, and I took her to the park whenever I had the chance, to McDonald's for nuggets. She was my absolute world. I feel overcome with guilt because she was old and sick and after all the unconditional love she gave me, I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I am in Michoacan, Mexico right now (it's a long story). My dog belonged to my whole family, and she stayed with my Mom. I refused to abandon my dog and I knew that she would be taken care of but I hate myself for leaving her in the States. My mom took wonderful care of her, but in spite of that I am sick with guilt because I don't know if my pet knew how much I loved her or if she died wondering what she did wrong. I am desperate for her love and I can never be whole until I see her again. Even though this sounds crazy, I would be comforted if I had hope of seeing her one more time, and my heart won't stop breaking because I don't think I ever will. I never got married, or had children, and I look at my friends who have kids and feel a little jealous because their husband and children will be with them for life, whilst I KNEW that my dog was bound to leave me sooner or later. I clarify that of course my mom took great care of her because I would NEVER have left her with no one to care for her. My mom fixed her special foods and took he to the vet's every day, and bought her special prescriptions. But, I let Gretchen down and I'll never get a chance to make it right, and she died knowing that I wasn't there for her. I KNOW that I need to move on with my life, or it will pass me by, and so will my chance at other things that could make me happy, but my heart won't stop breaking. I am going to have to live the rest of my life with a decision I made and I will never know how it affected that precious baby. See, before I met my boyfriend, I was in unrequited love a series of times. My ex boyfriend abandoned me for someone else and I literally almost died. My boyfriend that I have now is a wonderful man, but I have never told him how much I love him because I'm afraid it will push him away, but there is something I haven't shared with him. He and I were best friends before we started dating, and I always told him everything, this is killing me.Well, I KNEW that my dog had been old and sick for a long time and I was desperate to see her because I didn't know how much time she had! Well, I had just met my boyfriend and was beginning to fall for him. I had to choose between returning to the States and staying in Mexico with my boyfriend. But there was a caveat, that once I returned to USA I would not be able to return to Mexico indefinitely (this is a long story). I gave up my one chance to be with my pet, who loved me half my life, to be with my boyfriend, and now I have lost my chance to tell her how much I loved her, forever. I love my boyfriend and I don't resent him at all now, because I made the choice and he didn't force me but I am wondering if I made the right choice and it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I wonder how she would feel if she knew that I deserted her when she needed me so I could be with my boyfriend. I just feel guilty because Gretchen had a special place in my heart, and while I never stopped loving her, I feel like I deserted her, when she was there for me all those years. I wonder if it was all in vain. I had been in love before I met my boyfriend but all those other guys broke my heart. For the first time in my life, I had found a man who returned my feelings and I was afraid of losing my only chance at happiness. But if I tell him everything I feel, I'm afraid it will scare him. I know this is incredible but at 32 I am still a virgin (a lot of people are going to give me flack and call me a loser), but all my life I have been battling the desire to have sex because I want to give this most precious gift to my one true love,and I want it to be him. I'm not ready yet and neither is he, but someday, I want it to be him. People say I'm too old to be a virgin, but I don't regret saving sex although I wish I had found love when I was younger. If you have sex with just anyone, then what is left to give when you meet the man of your life? But I'm digressing. The thing is, I don't know if my boyfriend is ever going to fall in love with me, or if one day we'll break up and I'll be alone and realize that I lost everything.The thing is, when I made my choice, I thought that ''I've finally found a man I love who loves me back, after all these years, I can't lose him.'' But, I don't know if I'll spend my life with him. I have a huge void in my heart, but nothing can fill it. I have always had a profound connection with animals that NOBODY understands. I need to have a special animal in my life, but I NEVER want another dog again, EVER. I'll never love another dog as much as my Shepherd. People tell me to get another one, but I don't like small dogs at all! I have a cat and a couple guinea pigs, and I love them but it's not the same. There's just something missing. I LOVE horses and long to have them in my life but I KNOW that's impossible (in my dreams, right?). The void just haunts me like a ghost. My boyfriend has a doberman pinscher, and I play with her and stuff but it's not as good as a Shepherd. He offered me one of her future pups but I know that I can never love it, and it would never love me as much as my Shepherd did. I'm not afraid of them and don't think they're mean but they are just lacking something that shepherds have. I spend Christmas day crying my heart out, knowing that I had a chance to return a little of the love my baby angel gave me and that I threw it away forever and I will never know if she died in peace, or wondering why I left her. I feel guilty about choosing to be with my boyfriend and I don't think he will ever become my husband or the father of my children (even though I would love for him to), and I feel like I threw away my chance for nothing and I never deserved her love.I called my mother on Christmas, in tears and begging for words of comfort. My father answered the phone, and told me I was being cruel and abusive and then hung up, and I cried myself to sleep. I will spend the rest of my life knowing that I gave up my once chance to be with that precious creature who gave me unconditional love, when she needed me. I don't want to live my life in chains but I am going to do just that, and I can never be free. I will never have peace in my heart because I will always wonder if she died in peace or in despair, wondering whether I loved her. I don't deserve to have unconditional love. I think that part of the reason she became sick and died was because I left the USA. She was 15 when I last saw her, but she seemed okay, but then her health began to decline as soon as I left. My heart is broken, and I can't get peace in my heart. My father said that I'm selfish and cruel to call my mom crying on Christmas day, and he has accused me of destroying our family in the past, but I was grieving and the pain went to my head. I'm sorry that I've nearly written a book. Please, please help me because my this has destroyed my heart. I never married, or had children, like I said, and my Shepherd was my baby. This is killing me... I don't know if I made the right decision and I feel destroyed by guilt. I haven't been able to stop crying and it's almost been a week. Thank you if you can help me.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 January 2015):
 Sadly dogs lives are short compared to the lifespan of a human. I hope that you have since been able to put your life back together. Maybe you were able to get a new dog. I do hope so.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Thank you, ALL of you. Your advice means so much to me.
I will try to write more soon. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I am so sorry to hear about your dog! :( I do, however, have some advice that I hope will bring you some peace. I, like you, love animals and treat my pets like family members. I feel so close to the animals I have as pets. My boyfriend and I adopted a cat, Pebble, about 3 years ago. On the adoption papers, we saw that Pebble and I shared a birthday and we knew we just had to get her! She was the sweetest, most loving cat ever. When I was hurt in an accident, she stayed by my bedside and refused to leave (I really think animals know and understand when we're in pain).
In September of this year, I was leaving one of my classes when I noticed that my boyfriend had called about 9 times. I knew something was wrong. When I called him back, he told me that Pebble had been run over by a car. It didn't look good, he said.
I rushed to the vet, crying the whole way. Unfortunately, by the time I got there, Pebble had died. Although she belonged to me and my boyfriend, she had really been "my" pet and had been closer to me. I felt so guilty that I hadn't been there when she actually passed. I kept thinking about how confused and scared she must have been.
But then I realized... Pebble knew I was on my way to see her. She knew I loved her. Animals are so intuitive with themselves and nature. She knew it was her time to go, and she let go. She died peacefully and calmly, knowing I was on my way.
You have to believe that your dog knew you loved her so much. She just had to let go. It was her time. I know this might sound "out there" for some people, but - when I recently adopted another cat from the animal shelter - it was almost as if Pebble had sent me a new pet and companion, and like she had left this life so I could save another animal.
I know it is so difficult and sad, but please try to think of your dog's passing in this way. You gave her a wonderful and happy life, but it was her time to go, and she was in control of leaving this life. Take some time, but think about adopting a new dog so that you can help and love even more animals. You sound like a very sweet and caring pet owner, and any dog would be lucky to have such a nice home with you.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 December 2011):
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have German Shepherds too (I have been the proud owner of GSDs all my life) and I also volunteer for Shepherd rescue groups. I've had many different kinds of dogs since I was a kid but there is something special about shepherds that I've felt more connected with so I understand how you feel. Some people just gravitate more toward certain types of dogs.
Please don't feel guilty. It's normal to be in mourning now because you've lost a member of your family. Our dogs are like our kids, but like you said, whereas human children will grow up and we can expect them to outlive us, with dogs we will have to watch them grow old and eventually die. When a beloved 15 year old dog dies, the pain is every bit like when a human member of the family dies. and Gretchen was with you through several significant life phases so losing her is like losing a part of your identity, this is all a normal part of grieving and you have to let yourself feel free to feel these.
Don't feel guilty that you were not by your dog's side when she passed on. You did not let her down! You saw to it that she was well cared for and loved. Dogs don't have the higher levels of cognition that humans do so they don't have the capacity to be wondering why you are not there and to be upset about that. As long as she was surrounded by love and had her physical and mental and emotional needs taken care of, she died in peace.
15 years is a long time for a dog to live, especially for german shepherds. She had a good life, and at the end of it she was well cared for and in a loving environment.
The worse thing you can do is blame yourself for your dog's decline. She was 15, which is a very ripe old age for Shepherds (most shepherds don't make it past 12). Her time was near. Dogs "move on" emotionally more easily than humans do, again because they don't have the higher cognitions that people do. Dogs aren't capable of feeling regret or bitterness or to ruminate over their past. They live in the here and now. So if her "here and now" consisted to getting lots of love and petting and kisses and treats and scritches from your mom, she was fine. Dogs who are well cared for and given lots of love, do not feel 'deserted,' they are too busy lapping up the attention and love of their present household! It's us humans who torture ourselves mentally.
I encourage you to talk more with understanding people to help process your grief. there are numerous pet loss support groups out there. you can join an online pet discussion forum, or more specifically you can join German Shepherd online discussion groups. Everyone there has experienced the loss of a beloved pet and talking with them may help you to process your grief.
http://www.pet-loss.net/
http://www.petlossrecovery.com/signup.html
http://www.germansshepherds.com/german-shepherd-info-getting-over-the-loss-of-a-dog/
http://www.dogwise.com/forums/
another thing I would also encourage you to do is to talk with a counselor or therapist, even if it's just for one session. You have a history of depression, and it's easy for that to get triggered again by a major event, such as the loss of your beloved dog. Grief and mourning is completely normal, BUT with your history of depression it could drag you down into something that goes beyond normal healthy grieving. And especially when you are carrying around a lot of unhealthy guilt, and on top of that you have strained relations with your father. So I urge you to talk with a counselor as well.
sending you lots of good thoughts.
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A
female
reader, feralfox +, writes (27 December 2011):
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, but know that your dog will always love you and knows how much you love her. That's the beautiful thing about animals, we form a special bond with them that can last through anything. My parents got my sister and I a puppy when I turned nine, he was half German Shepard and half Border Collie. When I was 17, we had to move for financial reasons and we couldn't take him with us. My dad took him to an animal shelter while we were at school so we wouldn't know, I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. I went to the animal shelter two days later but he had already been adopted by a wonderful family (I grew up in a small town, so I knew a lot about these people even though I didn't know them personally)This last summer I had the chance to visit friends in my home town, and my friend had just happened to become stepsisters with the girl who adopted him! I had the chance to see my dog again! I was so scared he wouldn't remember me, or worse, that he wouldn't want to be around me because he thought I abandoned him or didn't love him. But he forgave me and he spent the entire time at the house by my side. Of course I cried when he left, and it made the family who adopted him feel really uncomfortable I'm sure. But I was just happy to know that he was doing well and that I got the chance to see him again.Sorry this story was so long! I just wanted to share this with you. I'm sure your dog knows how much you care about her, and knows that you love her still.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (27 December 2011):
 I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, it's always tough to have a pet die.Dogs are just like people in a way. It's ok to grieve, and it's ok to cry. This dog was your baby, and you will feel sad, but just be sure you realize that it wasn't your fault, and when you think of her, think of all the happy times you had together. And if you have to cry, cry. Cry happy tears, tears of memory. Those are the good, cleansing tears. Unfortunately, there will always be a scar on your heart, as a memory of her, and since she was so special to you, she will always be in your memory. But in time, there will be less tears, and more fond memories. You will think back, and smile, remembering the times you had together.I say you should grieve at your own pace, and eventually you will find it easier and easier to live without her, and you're lucky you have people to help you with that! My great grandfather died a few months ago, and to get closure, my grandmother, his daughter, wanted to release a feather into the wind, symbolizing his spirit going to heaven (or something). So I'd suggest finding some way to immortalize her memory, or get closure, like make a video collage, or do something with meaning. Whatever it is, if you do it, you will feel a little better afterwards :)
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