A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:I have a rough relationship with my mother. Growing up, she's been emotionally and verbally abusive, so as soon as i graduated college and found a job, I moved out, despite her objections. (See my previous questions if you want to understand our relationship better)Since moving out, our relationship has improved slightly. But she always guilt trips me for not seeing her as often as she likes.Recently, I picked up a second job because I'm trying to save up enough for a house. She was very encouraging and enthusiastic about my second job. So now I pretty much work every day. She texted me asking me to come see her this weekend, and I said I can't because I'm working. She then asked me to come after work. To which I also said no because I have plans (I don't yet, but I know I will). She then proceeded to guilt trip me "when it comes to seeing your old parents, you never have time". I was already having a bad day, so hearing that really upset me. So I got mad and told her "do you think your attitude works? You think that'll make me want to see you more? Why would I visit if you're just gonna yell at me?" And I haven't heard from her since.I've had this conversation with her before, and she had the same reaction as she did now. Silence. The silence will work in my favor now, but I still can't help but feel guilty. Did I go too far?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): You were conditioned to think and feel guilty.
It will be uncomfortable for you for a time to get out of teh zone you had been pushed into. But it will pass. And even when it does pass, from time to time you will still feel the way you feel now, but you must learn to recognize it for what it is - something that had been imposed.
It happens all the time with parents, family and sometimes with friends. That is why it is important to learn what healthy relationships are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): I am in my sixties now but had a very rough relationship with my mother because she was so demanding and selfish. When I was around your age I had left home and was standing on my own two feet, struggling to pay the payments on my tiny house, and having to work seven days a week to be able to meet those payments. My mother never understood or accepted this because it got in the way of what she wanted. She was a lot like your mother - but perhaps worse - as she would also expect me to take days off (which she knew I would not be paid for, and which she knew would lead to me having debts and not being able to pay my house payments) so that I could babysit my sister's baby instead. She expected me to travel a long way - even though I was then penniless and had no money for the train fares, babysit the baby all day and then find money to travel home again. So that my sister - who did not work and had a lot of money could have more days swanning around going to the manicure parlour, sauna, hairdresser and all the rest. It was ridiculous. And like your mother she would refuse to talk to me if I did not do as I was told. She would also tell me that I was not allowed to meet up with her unless I brought flowers, chocolates and and a take away meal, despite her knowing I was struggling so much just to pay basic bills.
You have to decide which plans suit you, whether it is because they are practical or because you enjoy them.
Something else I found out over the years. Most people have more normal parents. If you have one who is abnormal, selfish, far too demanding etc, nobody else will get it because they did not go through the same sort of experience. You will be told "oh she is just having one of her days" even when she has done the same thing before 10000 times. Or, she must be doing this for your own good !!!!!! or she must love you a lot really ! I had a nervous breakdown over much of what my mother did and tried to do to me years ago.
I even remember the therapist saying to me "well what we have to do is talk to your mother and explain to her that the things she says and done are too demanding and very often cruel". I could not stop laughing. She knew very well that they were demanding and cruel. That is why she did it.
She would not have dreamt of treating anyone else that way, only me. And she did it because it was demanding and cruel, not by accident but by design. But she is the loser.
I eventually made good, it took me years of working hard and saving. I ended up with five big houses that are all mine and paid for cash. I also have investments, savings etc, way beyond anyone else in the family. Years later after repeatedly disowning me because I would not jump and say how high every time she tried to boss me about or make demands of me she decided I was worth knowing after all. She had not spoken to me for more than twenty five years because I would not jump to her tune. Then she phoned me to say she wants me to promise her that when and if she becomes very ill - gets dementia or whatever - she can come and live with me and I will take care of her. The answer was no. I also knew her well enough to know that if I had let her move in she would have expected me to pay for everything, and give up my career to be with her all the time, even though she has a lot of money. It does not follow that a parent cares about you or values you or wants what is best for you. Every family is different. I now work helping people who have been abused or neglected and understand them better than most.
Your mother is jealous of you being busy with other things, yet she would be the first to find fault if you did not work hard and did not act responsibility and take care of your finances, especially if you expected her to pay your bills then. She should be proud that you are mature and take care of yourself sensibly. If I were you I would wait until she contacts you now, with parents like that if you go to them they see that as a sign of weakness and then try to make it a bit more difficult each time until you are giving in more and more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2021): No, you definitely didn’t go too far. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Your mother sounds controlling & controlling people like to give guilt trips! I’ve suffered the same with my toxic mother. I used to feel guilty all the time & had a hard time standing up to her but it does get easier.
Stick with it, don’t feel guilty & don’t apologize. Once they realize that their silent treatment & guilt trips don’t work, they won’t play the victim card anymore! Stay strong!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 October 2021):
 Ooh, she has you very well programmed, doesn't she? 30 years ago, that could have been ME writing your post, virtually word for word. Parents can be experts at manipulating our feelings.
Here's the thing: you do not NEED your mother's approval. You are conditioned to THINK you do but, honestly, you don't.
Here's something else: you can't do anything about the way your mother acts or what she says but you sure as hell can choose how you react. Guilt is a useless empty emotion. You have been programmed to feel guilty whenever you don't do as your mother wants. Now is the time to start re-programming yourself to NOT feel guilty for choosing to live your own life and not be manipulated by your mother.
So she's giving you the silence treatment? Again? Give her time to get over her tantrum while you enjoy the breathing space without anyone trying to guilt-trip you. Just the way your mother conditioned you, you now need to condition your mother to respect your boundaries and treat you with respect.
Be strong. You can do it. Growth is always painful but so worth it in the end.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 October 2021):
 No I don't think that you went to far, and i don't think that you was rude in any way either. You Mum simply expected you to drop your plans and go over and see her regardless, but you stood your ground, so well done you.
Don't feel guilty, i know its difficult when it comes to family. You are an adult now and its your life to live how you want to live it.
I'm sure this will all blow over, its good that you stood up for yourself tho, stood your ground, so when you go to see your Mum on subsequent occasions it will be on your terms and not hers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2021):
 Of course, you feel guilty, she TRAINED you to feel this way.
I don't think you did anything wrong, you SHOWED her that you have boundaries and that her attempt at manipulation is not going to work anymore.
Enjoy the silence and peace and quiet.
Shake it off. Live your life how YOU want to live it.
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