A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:My boyfriend has been having issues choosing his major for months. It's taken its toll on him and he did go to the psychiatrist four days ago and was diagnosed depression- he was subsequently put on xanax for anxiety and prozac last Wednesday.He asked to see me that same day, saying he was feeling like rubbish and burst out in tears about five times while I was there because he thought there was nothing else for him and that he didn't see anything but shadows in front of him, thinking he'd never get better.He seemed to be a bit better yesterday- not proactive, slowed down in movements and forgetful, but at least less depressed/sad. {At least outwardly}.On the topic of libido, not that it matters now, he tried to cuddle with me etc, and I got that it wasn't turning him on. He tried to say he was interested at first but then confirmed it- saying it's not me, but him, since he hasn't been able to orgasm on his own either ever since he fell into this depression pit. Of course I reassured him and reminded him it's only a symptom of his depression, which is temporary and will go away once he feels better, which he will.I really did try to be overall calm and reassure him, I never once told him how this whole thing is hurting me, but tried to sound, again, sure about his healing completely, that it's just a matter of time until the meds start kicking in and he will feel better.I said that I'm there for him, that I care for him no matter what and know he does too. {He said so again yesterday too, wrote it down and commented on how good I looked, remembered to get me flowers}Today though was a bad day and he didn't call at all; when I did around lunch time, he was under the shower {his mother told me they had just then managed to persuade him to wash himself}, then he was out with his aunt who had come to pick him up to try and cheer him up, eventually he was back but didn't wish to speak to me. She said it wasn't just me he didn't want to talk to- he was refusing to speak to his friends, to his aunt, to them, to his brother. To everyone, basicallyIt was nothing against me, but he just shut everyone off. She told me to be patient and wait for the meds {as well as the therapy he should start on Tuesday} to start working, because right now he couldn't seem to care about anything at all and his perceptions and way of thinking are skewed. I don't know if I should check on him today, if I should wait Wednesday after the therapy session.I have no intention to disappear on him- I care and I know he does too and I know right now it's not that he DOESN'T WANT me, it's that he doesn't want ANYTHING. I hope everything will fall back in place soon. I hope he will feel better and we will be reunited. I still consider us to be together. Am I doing the right thing? Should I stop contacting him at all instead? How do I deal with this in the meantime? I feel like shit myself now. Do you think it will be just temporary, that he will come back to me? We never had issues prior to his depression, as a couple, and have been together for six months. Thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Yes, OP, try to calm down and to not take things personally. Remember that he is not sick of you, he is just sick, full stop. After all ,if he had a broken leg, in a cast, you would not fret because he won't come dancing or skating with you, right ? You'd accept he'll do these things in due time, as soon as he feels up to it.
It sounds like your bf is having a rather severe episode, a sort of a melt down, that will take a toll also on the people near him including you, so, again, it is counterintuitive but the best you can do for him is take your focus away from his depression and take good care of YOURSELF, see your friends, spoil yourself a bit, do something fun, throw yourself into a hobby or sport - it's the only way you'll feel "together" enough to develop that light touch you are talking about, the right balance between being present and supportive, yet distant enough to not add pressure and guilt on him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2013):
Yes, OP, try to calm down and to not take things personally. Remember that he is not sick of you, he is just sick, full stop. After all ,if he had a broken leg, in a cast, you would not fret because he won't come dancing or skating with you, right ? You'd accept he'll do these things in due time, as soon as he feels up to it.
It sounds like your bf is having a rather severe episode, a sort of a melt down, that will take a toll also on the people near him including you, so, again, it is counterintuitive but the best you can do for him is take your focus away from his depression and take good care of YOURSELF, see your friends, spoil yourself a bit, do something fun, throw yourself into a hobby or sport - it's the only way you'll feel "together" enough to develop that light touch you are talking about, the right balance between being present and supportive, yet distant enough to not add pressure and guilt on him.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (10 March 2013):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cerberus: thanks for highlighting your reply in my other question, as I had not seen it. Honestly, I think right now he's not distancing himself from people because he thinks this will be better for them, in case they're too hurt by his condition- right now, seeing as he's still in deep pain, I think he's only thinking about himself and shutting everyone off regardless of their behaviour. This being said, I also think you portrayed a possible scenario for when he's feeling a bit better {so hopefully soon}; again, as I said, I've tried already not to make my worry show and tried being strong, but I can't say for sure he has not seen through that. {Though, I should also add that I was feeling better when I saw him than when I wrote here- not hearing from him sort of drove me crazy.} You do, anyway, make good points about it. As hard as it is, I've been trying to avoid calling him -and will do so for a couple more days-, to give him some time without having to worry about pulling himself together enough to talk to me and hurting me in case he's not able to. Trying not to pressure him, if you will, even if I can't say it's easy on me. In the meantime, I'm trying to pull MYSELF together as well. Basically, I'm hoping that on wednesday/tuesday night, when I plan on calling after the first theraphy session, we will both be in a better place. Do you think it's a good idea?Today I've spent the day venting to friends and that has been somewhat helpful too. I can't say I'm in a great place, but I am in a better place than I was this morning. I really do think keeping everything inside {I had not been talking about his issue with anybody irl} was taking its toll on me. I also feel somewhat relieved not to have had to put us all through the pressure of communicating when he's unwell. I will try to go on as usual as much as possible: tomorrow morning till afternoon I have classes at Uni to attend and then I've scheduled a meeting with a friend next weekend for a coffee. {The weekend before this one I went out with friends too and made sure he knew in order not to fuel his guilt over the fact he didn't feel like coming}. Other than this, for now all I can do is wait and hope he'll feel better soon and try not to add any pressure on him. It's just a thin balance between 'no pressure' and 'still here for you'. I hope this is a better path than the one I was earlier on.@deirdreThank you to you too and for the info as well. May I ask how you're doing now, with your depression? Of course I realize everyone's story is different, but it helps to hear success stories, if you know what I mean. He will start therapy sessions with the same neuropsychiatrist he's going to- I think, but don't quote me on this, that he's a therapist as well. The first one is scheduled on Tuesday and I too think it's a good thing, I've heard it helps seeing through the patterns depression forces on you. I hope it will help, at least. The text idea would be good, if he actually switched his phone on...but over the last few days, ever since he worsened, he really hasn't. Besides, even if he did, there's no guarantee he would receive it, because his SMS memory is always full and I doubt he's going to erase messages now to clear it up {he owns an old phone, yes.} I am reminding myself it's not him, but the depression, so even if it's not pleasant still, hopefully I'll make it through alright. Thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP seriously read my post on your other question. You need to calm down and you need to be able to emotionally separate yourself from his depression. I've never seen someone overreact to something like this in the way you are, actually no that's wrong, what I mean is I've never seen someone who reacted the way you are not fall to pieces too.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-worried-about-what-will-happen-to-our.html
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (10 March 2013):
hello, I think its lovely that you care enough to ask for advice about this situation. I too suffer from depression and I can tell you that antidepressants such as the prozac often lower libido. it will take a while for the medication to kick in, they say it needs 2 weeks to get into the system although some people need 4-6 weeks to see a difference and 1 person I spoke to about this said it took 8 weeks for them to feel brighter.it sounds like your boyfriends depression is severe if he needs encouragement to even take a shower, although this is quite common for those suffering from depression. I hope he is getting counselling as without this, the tablets are only a temporary solution. it will help if he speaks to a counsellor, someone who doesnt know him, about his feelings (I wasnt sure if you meant he already sees a counsellor when you mentioned therapy)on the contact front, you could text him every so often just saying something like ''thinking of you'' or ''hope you're alright'' that way you are giving him space while not ignoring him. or even suggest you go for a walk. when people have depression, they tend to isolate themselves and while this is very upsetting and bewildering for their loved ones, it is NEVER personal.good luck to you both and I hope he feels better soon xx
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (10 March 2013):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTruly thank you for the time you took to answer me.I know meds take a while...I've been researching that and prozac in particular. Some people say a month, others {fewer} a week, most seem between two weeks and a month, others even more. I wish I had the strength to endure it, but I'm not sure, especially since right now I feel as though he doesn't want me in his life. It's probably sick and twisted, but I wish he'd lean on me...if I were a caretaker, maybe it'd be worth it, you know? Things would actually make sense, I'd actually have a purpose in getting up and going through my day. What I fear is him pushing me aside forever...even if maybe that'd be more 'noble' of him, to spare me, even if in the long run it'd be easier...but I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. Just a few days ago he said he doesn't want for me to lose him either. I don't know what to do with all my memories and projects and things we did together...it's too early for us to be done, there are too many things we still have to do. Want to. Right now I'm trying my best to give him some space. Yesterday he didn't have in him to talk to me, so I guess I'll just leave him be for a couple days and check back in on Wednesday, after he has had his first therapy session. I really want to hear him, even just hearing his voice would make me feel better, but I have to stay strong and not be too clingy, otherwise I may make him even more sick of me than he already is. Besides, maybe in a few days he'll feel better and be able to talk to me at all...Am I doing the right thing? Another side of me says that it's not HIM who doesn't want me, but his depression and that leaving him alone is no good for his well being, because that's what depression makes you do, cutting out your support network...On the other hand, I don't want to force him and impose my presence, even through phone calls, it seems unfair of me not to respect his wishes...Then again, he's not in a normal state where I'd just say 'he'll call if he wants to hear me'. This is so heartbreaking.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 March 2013):
You need to be patient, don't watch him as if he were a pot of water put to boil.
Prozac can take a while to kick in, 6 or 8 weeks or so - if it does kick in, because with SSRIs there's no one-size-fits-all, it's a trial and error thing, you try a med first and if it's not effective enough , you switch to another one , it takes patienece. Oh and remember that unluckily a common side efefcts of antidepressants is that they zap your libido , so don't be surprised if he does not show much sexual interest.
Xanax and other benzodizepines are much more fast acting, then again they'll leave you even TOO chill, sort of drowsy, not very proactive or anxious to organize this and that.
Moral, it's all normal, or, in fact I should say all consistent with a diagnosis of clinical depression.
People DO get cured from depression, but unluckily it's not like influenza, you get the diagnosis, take the proper meds, and it's gone. Often the causes are not just biochemical, or situational ( the worry about his major ), there are laters and layers underneath, it's an unease that may have been laying dormant for a long time, so it's a long, patient journey of discovery to unhearth its roots, with stops and starts, progresses and plateaus, three step forwards...but then two steps back. It's a process that often the most affectionate, attentive cares from friends and family can't speed up or modify, as counterintuitive as it sounds. It may take a few MONTHS before you even see a glimmer of his old self.
Act as normal as you can, and no pressure. You don't need to detach yourself totally , or to make yourself inordinately scarce, you can support him, call him, talk to him, take an interest in his therapy etc.... you just don't have to take it personally if at times he seems not to respond. If he does not want to talk to you, or to go out, or to make love, it's not because he does not like you or love you or appreciate you it's because he just can't handle it, it feels too much, too overwhelming, too heavy, too DIFFICULT. You'll say: who, difficult me ? But if I am nice, fun, easygoing, sweet, caring, the best gf he could want. He knows that too. But, believe it or not, depressed people at times may find difficult and pointless even brushing their teeth or changing their socks, imagine carrying on a relationship.
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