A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Ok, so my 13 year old daughter comes to me in the middle of the night crying because she did something really bad. She said she was pressured into sending a photo of herself nude to a boy in her class. He was being really mean and bullying towards her. I didn't know what to do, but I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone, so that she can feel like she can come to me whenever she wants. I want to keep an open line of communication with her, since I am the only parent in the household. As a parent, anyone have any suggestions as to what to do? I don't want the boy to show everyone in school the photo, worse yet, put it on the internet. FYI-It has been a week and he hasn't done anything. So I am hoping that he deleted it and thats that. She hasn't come to me in tears telling me that people saw it, so I am hoping its done? Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Initially observe your daughter for any behavioural changes. Show her the respect she asks for. But this guy may still try something nasty again. Or in a weak moment say more than he should.Your daughter does not want you to go to the school yet. She feels she can handle this. I suspect that things could get worse. Out of respect for your daughter you can hold off a little, in the short term. But keep a close eye on her. However immediately do get some support for you and for your daughter. And I mean some counselling. Or if that does not appeal them explore some of the sites below or together, (you and your daughter) read and discuss the book (it's free to read online) I mention below.Bullying is dispiriting. It is horrible and it should never happen. But it happens far too often.I know teens like to try to solve their own problems. But some problems are just too big. Some additional help may be needed.Because ultimately I don't think it should be kept as a little secret. When you appease a bully the bullying just gets worse. The bullying festers and the victim loses confidence in themselves.Bullies feel entitled. Very inadequate individuals bully.I have been bullied. Not just me but multiple people in a company I once worked for. The culture was terrible. A wonderful book and counselling helped me to become stronger. The book I purchased but you can read it online. I am about to give you a link to the book. Bullying causes teens to suffer intolerable pain. They lose confidence in themselves. They need to be strengthened inside, helped to believe in themselves, helped to gain confidence in themselves, rather than just be protected away from the bully.Bullies know how to spot people who are easy targets to bully. So deal with it now and your teen will not be as vulnerable to a bully in the future. Here are the links - some for parents and some for teens. and some for both.http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bullying.htmSupport for teens:http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/homehttp://www.stompoutbullying.org/livechat_portal.phpI purchased the book. But the Doctor who wrote the book, “Bullying from backyard to Boardroom” has generously put his book online as a “read only” book. Here it is: http://www.williamwilkie.com/bullying.htm I really recommend Chapter 7 in this book "Bullying from backyard to Boardroom" and the Biderman’s Chart of Coercion as it helps explain what a bully thinks they are entitled to do to a victim they bully. Although it initially is hard to stand up to a bully once you do start being assertive (NOT aggressive) in the face of the bully they start looking for a new victim. When you look at Biderman's Chart of Coercion in the book I believe it is very important that the victim does NOT respond in the way the bully expects.Once a victim does not respond as a bully expects the bully becomes confused. And the bully expects that response so that they can move on to the next bullying stage. In effect the bully escalates the bullying to a nastier stage of bullying once they feel the victim has been cowered into submission in the previous phase of bullying.However if the bullying escalates to extreme psychological abuse and physical abuse then it is time to escalate official action a bully. Don't fret and hide at home behind the curtains. Contact the school. Do not allow your daughter to feel she is at fault.If your daughter was bullied and intimidated and threatened with consequences and humiliation if she did NOT do as the bully asked them it is time go through official channels and lay a formal complaint.NEVER threaten a bully. NEVER expect the parents of a bully to understand - as often the bully learnt to bully by observing their parents and even grandparents actions and words. I do hope the links help you and anyone else reading this who has been bullied. Remember, Chapter seven is the one to read above.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I was a 13 yr old child like your daughter and I did not have internet or cell phones to make my trouble worse.
He hasn't deleted it. He may share it but just hasn't yet.
IF he gets mad at her for something (like maybe not putting out for him) he may share it then.
IT is illegal for her to send and for him to receive the pictures.
I don't think the police or the school need to be involved yet. I don't think he forced her. He may have asked forcefully or teased her or made promises to her that he may or may not keep.
I like Cerberus idea.
Personally the fact that your daughter came to you is great.
Now you have to go to her and say "sweetie I know you don't want me to get involved but this is not a good thing that he has your pictures and we really need to make sure they are deleted so we need to talk to him"
I would not involve his parents AT FIRST... I would have your daughter have him come to your home with the two of you there... do not make this confrontational.
have him over like a guest... his favorite soda and snacks.. sit down at the table and treat him like an adult (that he wants to be) and say to him 'timmy, I know what sally did when she sent you the pictures and it's ok I'm not mad at YOU or at her, BUT we need to fix this situation as there could be problems for BOTH of you if we don't."
Then ask him to delete the pictures off his phone and SHOW YOU HE IS DOING IT AS A GESTURE OF GOOD FAITH. Praise him to the heavens for being mature and adult as he's doing it.
Once that's done you can address if he has them on his computer and get him to delete them on his own (this may take a bit more faith)
Then I would ask him if he's trustworthy enough of a man to keep to his word and delete all copies of it and never mention it or does he feel his parents need to be made aware of his indiscretion. See where it goes.
These are "babies" with adult hormones and they have curiosity and no clue what the consequences of these actions are.
BTW if he's 15 to her 13 he may get prosecuted as an adult in a child porn case and that would brand him as a sex offender for life (a nice way to get him to see how he can wreck his life)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 You DO need to contact the school and his parents. This needs to stop NOW and the photos deleted. If need be I would call the police and ask what you can do to protect her.
I would honestly go look at her chat history and see just HOW he "bullied" her into taking those pictures. Not saying that he might NOT have coerced her, but I would go look at it and print it out for the school to see.
The thing is SHE can get in trouble for distributing "child pornography" down the line and THIS is WHY it is IMPORTANT that this gets stopped NOW.
You can't just sit back and HOPE he has deleted it. What is that going to teach your daughter?
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (21 March 2013):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure what to do, I don't want to embarrass her even worse. If this comes out, then all her friends will tease her and then make her life worse. Last thing I want is her feeling more depressed because of it. She told me that she thought he deleted it, and the only reason why I believe her and him, is because if he didn't and if he showed everyone in school, then she would be coming home in tears and all depressed. It's been 2 weeks since the incident, and I haven't heard anything since then. She said she is talking with him again and he has been better. She said PLEASE don't get involved. So, I hate to make her life worse than it is. If it does get out, then action needs to be taken. I have proof in her phone.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (21 March 2013):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I have proof on her phone. I have all texts back and forth between them. He pressured her, it's as clear as it can be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): OP "mean and bullying"? So basically all he did was coerce her then? Convinced her. Doesn't sound he was bullying her at all OP, mean and bullying is not "bullied" and if she was, get proof.
Get proof, your daughter may be an "angel" you believe would never lie but you don't want to go off half cocked if she's only saying that to cover her ass. This is an extreme circumstance, she may be lying about being coerced out of panic, we do things out of character when we panic plus the not telling anyone thing is a bit more than suspicious, could be fear but who knows.
Get proof OP, no proof he bullied her and she's legally a distributor of child porn. Both the sexter and sextee are legally help responsible for it in some states OP. She'll be in just as much trouble legally.
I say get proof and do the decent thing and contact his parents and you resolve it together.
Maybe it's just an Irish thing OP but we resolve disputes with our kids with the parents of the other kid before we take drastic measures like calling the cops, I don't know though maybe in America you'll have an assault rifle shoved in your face if you do or something (could always bring your gun too) but here most parents will gladly deal with their kid rather than face legal action, bills or expulsion.
I don't trust your daughters interpretation OP, I don't think she's a victim of anything except nativity in the same way as the boy. Why? Because I'm a teacher OP and this kind of thing is rampant my school and both kids involved are disciplined every time OP. What's the girls go to excuse? He was "mean", he "bullied" me, I had no choice, I was scared what's the boys excuse? He never asked her too, everyone knows she fancies me, she did it on purpose to get me in trouble. Without proof in terms of messages and stuff OP then it's her word against his and they'll believe neither, just a distributor and possessor of child porn.
Keep this quiet if you want to protect your daughter, this is pretty serious stuff OP she is just as liable and most schools won't believe her without proof, if you go over the heads of the parents and he doesn't even have the picture anymore and says he never got one, then you're fucked because his parents will probably go nuts and take action against you.
What are you going to do, go up to them with a picture of your daughter naked as "proof" she did send him one? Yeah, no, not the smartest move.
Call over to his parents and talk to them in person, tell them what your daughter told you he has. Tell them you have no idea what happened, you just want that picture deleted if he does have it and let them know how serious him asking girls for those is, tell them you'll make sure daughter is never that stupid again and that they should ensure the same. Have both kids in the room, kids are shit liars when faced by a group of adults. Find out if he shared it with anyone, find out who etc. and go see their parents if you have to.
Then discuss any bullying with them.
OP with all due respect to the other posters they're reactions are extreme. You can deal with this quietly, in a way that minimizes this whole thing and if his parents are reasonable then they'll appreciate you going to them first and protecting both kids.
Their suggestions are valid of course in a sense but they're the last option OP.
The most important thing here is protecting your daughter, is teaching her how to resolve serious situations like this responsibly and not panicking and running to the cops or school until you've gone directly to the source. Most people are very reasonable OP and their little Jimmy made the same mistake your daughter did. OP I've seen this lots of times, the girl is not a victim and the guy is not some deviant. they're just kids caught up in a stupid sexualized culture with very easy access to each other. Better to teach kids a lesson than punish them in a way that can fuck up their lives. Legal measures are always a last resort to common sense. Although from what I see of America you do everything in the extreme, fear your own neighbours and panic at everything.
Gather all the evidence, except the picture obviously and go talk to him and his parents.
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 iamheretohelpyou is right. I knew a girl who did this at fifteen and the boy who was my mate at the time told everyone about it because the girl didnt want to tell anyone it happened.dont make the same mistake that girl did. if you want this thing over with you need to nip it in the bud NOW before he does anything more. the school should get involved so he doesnt tell people it happened and even if they cant stop that the proof needs to be gone and they should talk to girls in their school about not sending intimate pictures to people because of the risks.Cooper
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (21 March 2013):
If you are 100% sure of your daughters account then I would approach the boys parents directly and ask them to remove the image from his phone / computer etc. It is important to be sure if the bullying was from the boy himself or other classmates. Maybe the boys is how he is because he has parents that dont care and in this case you have to involve the school and if necessary the police. Storing such images of minors is a crime in most places. I know your daughter may be mortified by such an action but hopefully you can explain it is the best action. He probably has photos of other girls and may well try to sell them. Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): You need to explain to her that school authorities need to be informed. This issue is taken very seriously these days. His having the photo is considered possession of child pornography (I'm assuming your daughter is under 18?) and showing anyone would be distribution of such. Explain to her that the school will handle it discretely but that it's a legal issue that needs to be taken care of by the right people.
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