A
female
age
,
*eorge Harry
writes:my daughter is soon to be forty and has decided to have ivf with her partner of 6 years. it appears that for the last 4 years she has been having an affair.her partner is manipulative and calculating and i think he knows what has been going on her lover is single, and adores her. she is a very private person and i find it difficult to talk to her. i can see so much unhappiness and danger what can i do. she says she want a baby for herself.
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female
reader, George Harry +, writes (8 February 2012):
George Harry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am taking on board all the comments. All the words that have been said manipulative,calculating,deceitful,selfish,yes unfortunately I can understand why you would say that and in oh so many ways I agree. Secretive has never actually sprung to mind, how silly am I. No she isn't private she is secretive.Atthe moment I am still thinking
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I echo what some of the Aunts have picked up: your daughter is manipulative and deceitful. She is extremely selfish.
Your daughter is not "private": she is secretive. Big difference!
Now she wants a baby "just for herself". What a selfish person.
Mum, i know your heart is in the right place but try looking at your daughters choices critically. I know its hard but u know nothing u say or do will matter bec your daughter does what she wants.
Dont be too harsh on her partner. He is not the one cheating.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (8 February 2012):
Talk to her, don't shy away from expressing your concern because you may regret it further down the road when you see how unhappy she is you might think if only you had "said something" earlier would it have made a difference?
but when you talk to her, do it in such a way that does not make her feel defensive or uncomfortable. You want to express your concern from a place of love and support, not from a place of controllingness or "I know better than you!" which is condescending (even if it is true). if she's a private person, could it be because past experiences in sharing, have led to unpleasant outcomes?
so do go ahead and express your concern, but do it in a way that doesn't send up her walls of defense.
And then after you've expressed yourself, if she hasn't changed her mind and started asking for more advice, then stay out of her business and let her make her own decisions even if you disagree with them. You don't want to drive her away from you by making her see you as unsupportive, otherwise she may not ever turn to you for support when, further down the road she's miserable and her life is falling apart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You can talk to her, that is about it Everything else is up to her. She is old enough to know what is "best" for her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 February 2012):
 I have been the daughter and I have been the mother in your situation. If I had a dime for all the times my mother tried to tell me something and I just didn't listen...I'd be a millionaire! Its sad but true that you can talk and talk and talk to your daughter, but in the end, she's going to make her own decision and it may not be one that you agree on. As a mom, there have been times when I could see heartache ahead for my daughter, and I wanted so badly to wrap her up and protect her, but I knew that she would chose her own path, and not the one I would have chosen for her...being older and wiser, as parents we just know things, but we can't always make our children listen. The best advice I can give for you is to just be there for your daughter. Be there when she needs someone to talk to, needs a shoulder to cry on. I can't tell you how many times I went to my mom after something happened and had to tell her she was right. Luckily, she didn't usually say "I told you so" even though she may have wanted to! LOL...Just love her and let her know that you care, even if you don't agree with what she is doing. You just can't force her to go along with your feelings, no matter how right you may be and how wrong she may be. Its life. I hope it turns out alright for all of you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You cant do anything OP; as difficult as it is, you have no choice but to let her do what she wants and just watch the drama unfold.
Here's why.
She's an adult and can turn around and tell you to keep out of her business and not interfere.
She's proven to be deceitful and chosen a difficult, unhappy existence with her partner. No one has forced her into this relationship, she's in it on her own. It just goes to show that she does whatever she wants without any consideration for anyone else, not even for herself. She has the choice to opt out and live a clean life free of this man, yet she doesn't do it.
She has a lover, her partner knows about it and YET they are planning on going ahead with the baby plan.
Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think you should stay out of this. These people are all living in some parallel universe and have figured some bizarre way to work all this out, and its beyond our understanding. Let them deal with it, its their problem. And I never thought I would say this, but maybe the baby can turn out to be a blessing in disguise and actually help your daughter mellow down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): There is nothing you can do but sit back and let her make her own mistakes.
They sound perfect for each other though OP, she too is manipulative and calculating, she is having an affair afterall.
Look, this is all a recipe for disaster and definitely not the type of environment to bring a child into. But she's proven to be conceited, deceitful and prone to major lapses in judgement.
Now I know I said having a baby wasn't a good idea but you know what? Pretty much every girl I've known who has had a baby has had it completely change their life for the better. I know plenty of single mothers that were wild women before they had a kid, being a mother has this amazing ability to make you suddenly see things the way they are, you must know this yourself. So either way this can be a good thing. Maybe the baby will be incentive enough for her to start sorting out her life in a positive way.
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A
male
reader, Ayan Ganguly  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 No matter how much old your daughter grows she is still your daughter,sit down with her and have a heart to heart conversation with her...humans can only be won over by affections ...its only a matter of time...you can't leave your child when you know she passing through a bad phase just because you find it difficult to talk to her..be responsive to her needs give her affection and she would reciprocate...if need be call over her partner and talk to him...DON'T GIVE UP,GIVE A TRY &IF STILL NOTHING HAPPENS,maybe that's her destiny...all the best
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A
female
reader, George Harry +, writes (7 February 2012):
George Harry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, I know that I would have said the
same had I been asked. But I am a mother of a much loved daughter,I really never want her to feel bad, but I also would appreciate her honesty and trust. When you are on the outside looking in its very hard.I can only hope that she makes the right choices for her, in the end, all most mums want is there childs happiness.
Sometimes it is so hard being a parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You sound like a good caring parent...
Sorry to hear about the complications in your daughter's life. She is nearly 40, so I guess it is HER choices to make.
Even though you want what is best for her and her complete HAPPINESS, you can see what she is doing is leading to unhappiness and possible danger - again, her choice and doing.
* Her partner is manipulative - only she can choose to
stay/go.
* Having an affair - only she can control that. The fact that her lover is single and adores her, why hasn't she left the manipulative and calculating partner?
* Her choosing IVF/a baby for herself - her choice.
Her being private and your not being able to talk to her leaves you helpless, on the sidelines viewing the unhappiness.
The best you can do is BE THERE. Offer your support no matter what her choices are, that you will always be there for her, unconditionally. She is an adult, everything is her choice. Offer no judgement. No criticism. Just be her parent, who will always love her, no matter what.
Hopefully she makes the right choices for her, and her possible baby - for happiness.
Best Wishes,
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2012):
 Sadly there is nothing you can do. Your daughter is an adult and is making her own decisions.
All you can do is voice your concern... she won't listen.
trust me as a daughter who makes mistakes and hurts my dad with these mistakes (although not on purpose) I know that there is nothing you can say or do that will stop her from doing what she wants...all it will do is make her feel bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): With respect. You could be misreading the situation. To have an affair for 4 years would suggest your daughter is manipulative and calculating too. Infact, her partner might not be as bad as you paint him. You seem to think he has a suspicion she is cheating on him. If he does, he will be worried and could appear manipulative ect, due to his suspicions and insecurities.
It would be folly to bring a baby into a situation that you describe. Again, only a manipulative, calculating and dare i say, selfish person, would consider bringing a baby into a lifestyle like that, just to make them happy.
I would suggest you grasp the nettle and talk to her. I can understand her being private...and why! But she needs to either fix her current relationship with her partner or leave and possibly have a proper relationship with her lover. Once she is clear exactly where she wants to be and who with, then is the time to worry about children. And that should be a joint decision if she has a man in her life. Children are not a relationship Band Aid or a quick fix for happiness but a long term commitment and with a good, fully aware partner beside her, she has a better chance of coping financially and emotionally with motherhood.
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