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age
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writes: Okay so here goes:Well... how do I explain myself :(Last year (2011) I wasn't planning on having a boyfriend cause of starting tafe and wanting to focus on that and well, after my ex left me the previous year I was still not gonna do relationship stuff.I was eh, sleeping with and (seeing) a guy for three months (who I liked but he didn't want to date me, that is until I told him I was going on a second date with my now boyfriend)....then my boyfriend came along, and was so persistent in dating me I couldn't say no, I'm happy with him now though. (of course my boyfriend has grown on me now) (been together for 7 months now) but I...cheated on my boyfriend first and second week into our relationship...(with the guy I was 'seeing previous' believe me, I'm ashamed!!!!! More for the fact that I have constantly lied and made up stories to try and get him to stop bringing up things. I hate the person I have turned into cause I turned into what I never thought I would of become = a cheater :(We fight quit a lot though I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, as the trust has deteriorated., though since those only two times I have been FAITHFUL!He has since also started comparing me to my ex,the guy I cheated with, other guys I know who I have stopped seeing as my boyfriend doesn't like it.He also compares me to my friends cause "they don't have jobs, they don't do anything and are users"If I hang with one of my friends (cause of things she has done in the past or does do) or my other friend (for cheating on her current boyfriend) on my own he says he wont see me for like the weekend or longer if I do.My auntie has told me to keep dating him but keep my eyes open for someone else then move on?I love my boyfriend more then anything.My Parents:I'm 18 and my parents think they have a right to have my boyfriend's number cause of the fact my boyfriend and I argue and I don't answer my phone (which I do now)Does anyone see this as wrong as I do, or do they see it as right?Someone please help me out with both situations?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your help.
I brought him a bracelet for Christmas, lost it last month, It was our 7 months yesterday so I brought him a new bracelet to show him how sorry I was for losing the other one, also to show him how much I love him.
I opened up and said I will do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust, I also said that I took him for granted, but I'm gonna make it up to him, I also explained how I love him being next to me and being right there when I have a nightmare.
I suggested making a pact, he agreed.
He then asked me to be honest and asked how many times I actually cheated; I said that apart from those two times I have stuck too, I have been faithful, haven't lied.
He checked my phone a week ago, saw I had a message from a random number, he confronted me and I explained to him that it was a guy who was being mean to me and my mates a couple of years ago over face book, I also said that I haven't met the guy and that the re building trust started clicking there.
I also went on to explain that I'm sure most girlfriends wouldn't even consider replacing a bracelet they lost, I said I felt bad about losing the other one, and was thinking about him all day, that because it's our 7 months I thought I would replace it =) I said I love him too!
I explained that I was a reckless person, but I'm changing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Hi again Jess_Marie,I'm glad you will have the opportunity for the heart to heart this weekend. Perhaps the focus must not be all about the cheating, lies and the past - but rather on the future. Although, to move forward, the past must be dealt with, forgiven, resolved and forgotten. Then never used as teasing, punishment, controlling etc. or else things will never change/improve.Always go with the truth - start from the beginning as you told us. That you originally did not plan on having a boyfriend because of the previous year (I'm sure that had a huge impact on what happened) and on your other activities - TAFE, etc.Mention how you felt at the time. All the feelings, the thoughts going through your head at the time, etc. If you speak from YOUR heart, about how YOU felt, he can't refute that, or get defensive over any of it. It's what was happening for you. Then share with him what meeting him felt like... how you appreciated his persistence, and all his qualities. You say he grew on you, so share a lot about that. Try and focus more on HIM, the past 7 months, what that has been like, and less on the other guys/past. Sure, you want that out in the open, but he will be very hurt by it, and that is why he lashes out, is sarcastic and makes hurtful comments - because he is reacting to having been hurt himself by your actions. Despite the arguments/fights, he is still there... that says a lot. It means he chooses to accept you or be with you, despite everything. However, the heart to heart will give you and him the opportunity to speak it all out. Share everything, be totally honest, but not brutal. Spare his feelings as much as possible, and with everything that may hurt him, add something positive about him, to boost him and encourage him. Allow him the opportunity for questions, for comments, and expect him to have a range of emotions about it all. Be the "bigger" person, knowing it was as a result of your actions, which you regret. Make sure he is very aware of that. How ashamed you are, how it is in the past, and how you want to draw a line, and put it in the past. You want to start clean, as you have been for the past 7 months since. However, he must know, in order to go forward and both of you to be happy, if he forgives you, then he needs to stop hurting you over and over with it. You in turn, need to show consideration for his feelings, by avoiding the guys from the past you have a history with. If you want peace, and a happier relationship and his feelings matter above all the others, then it should be easy to do this. Reverse the roles and see how you would feel if he continued spending time alone, with someone he had benefits with in the past. It takes a lot of trust, and right now you are trying to re-build that, so do anything and everything to make it easier for him to forget the past and be hopeful about the future, with you.Your expectations: You want your boyfriend to realise you mean it when you say you're sorry. Well, if you've said it, genuinely, humbly and with everything that is you, then don't say it anymore. Prove it with your actions, by being mature, by showing you've changed, and not putting yourself in any situations that could be misconstrued. When you say "I'm not cheating on you" he may hear the words, but how can he believe that? When he believed it, it wasn't true, so now he has difficulty believing it. All you can do is show the changed you. If you continue, over and over, showing with your actions that he is right to trust you again, he will learn to trust you again. You need to earn that trust again, so not seeing the fwb guys will be a start in the right direction. Perhaps assure him of that, and do it. They were fwb, not your boyfriend. The person who will be there for you through thick and thin. Not someone using you for their own gratification or other reasons. Your boyfriend loves you, otherwise he would not have stayed in this difficult situation. Everybody deserves a second chance, and you have been given it. You say you don't deserve forgiveness, but you are sorry, you regret your past actions, so I'm sure if you respectfully ask him for forgiveness, in time he will, if he hasn't already. Perhaps during your heart to heart, tell him you are heartbroken over what you did, how it hurt him, and your greatest desire is to be forgiven for it, and to earn his trust again. Assure him how much you do love him, how you will show it in all the ways you can in future, that you are grateful for him staying, and want to be the best you can be. That you want to share your life with him, to be happy together. To work as a team...It's a difficult situation, but for as long as he has had to live with this, is how long you have to be patient for him to stop hurting and retaliating. However, both of you must now put it in the past, take the lessons learnt, and vow to do better. Both of you. Treat each other better. Be kinder to each other. Perhaps practice the LOVE DARE challenge (40 days of activities you can do to change a marriage - it will work for a relationship too) [check it out on google, came from the movie Fireproof] There are some wonderful principles there, that you can practice and see positive changes.Wishing you all the best this weekend, I hope this has helped, and hopefully by the time Valentines Day comes around next week, you will have the brand new start of an honest happy relationship together. It does take work, all relationships do, and that is what makes them worthwhile :)All the best,xxxx E
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus - I guess my boyfriend has the right to tell me that I can't be friends with guys considering one of the guys was a 'fuck buddy' and my boyfriend doesn't want me talking to him.
I also believe my boyfriend has every right to tell me who I can and can't see :/
Well I have tafe now and whenever I say it's home time he goes "oh well I guess you will call shane (the guy i cheated on my bf with) to pick you up" or "perfect time to cheat on me on your days off".....
Yeah I have to admit this whole "controlling" thing is getting on my nerves but I have to deal with it.
anonymous (after Cerberus) - To be honest I have no idea why I let myself get treated like that....
What I would like from this situation is for my boyfriend to realize I mean what I say when I say I'm sorry (even know I have said that too many times) to believe me when I say "I'm not cheating on you!" Yeah, maybe I do want forgiveness but I know for a fact I don't deserve it. I do love him very much though.
anonymous (after anonymous) - I am going to have the heart to heart with my boyfriend this weekend, but if he asks me why I cheated and lied and why I hurt him what do I respond with?
thank you all for your support with this.
I am sure I am over being treated the way I am.
I have now put my phone on loud (after figuring out how to do it) and keep it on all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): First situation your Auntie is an idiot. You say you don't want to be a cheater well being with someone and looking for someone else is basically cheating. So don't do that. People who stay with someone they don't want to be with while they go look for someone else are scumbag cowards who may just end up hurting two people.
First off stand up for yourself here OP. You were an idiot back then for what you did but you can't let him keep punishing you like this. You should never have accepted him stopping you being friends with other guys, he doesn't have that right. Second he needs to stop his tantrum and agree to work towards resolving this or you will have to walk away. He has to know that you will not be treated this way and he either stops this or you walk, no compromise, enough is enough OP.
As far as your parents are concerned they have every right to ask for your boyfriends phone number seeing as you don't have the decency to stay in contact with them and let them know where you are. Do you know what it's like for a parent sitting at home unable to contact their child? It can be torture because all the bad things you hear and read about happening to girls your age all cross your mind and it can become very hard on them. But you don't care so you don't answer your phone, so if you won't answer it and they need to contact you then asking for your boyfriends phone is perfectly acceptable in my mind.
OP please don't be offended by what I'm about say, I'm calling it how I see it. You sound very naive and immature. Firstly you were sleeping with a guy outside of a relationship, nothing wrong with that technically but as you saw it rarely leads to anything good. Secondly you started dating a new guy and kept sleeping with this other guy. Thirdly your boyfriend is in complete control now and he's treating you like shit, and you're idiot aunt thinks you should just stay with him and look for someone else? Fourthly you don't answer your phone to your parents when they call, that's just inconsiderate.
You just seem to be irresponsible OP and don't think of the consequences of things at all. You still have a lot of growing up to do but first things first. Stop being your boyfriends doormat, the guy is being a prick you can't let him treat you that way. The next thing if you don't want your parents having your boyfriends phone number then make sure you do answer your phone when they call, if they ring and you don't answer the feeling something is wrong is too painful for parents to ignore. So my advice is to prove to them that you're contactable by calling them and letting them know what you're up to, where you're headed and what time you'll be home. It's a dangerous world out there OP and while to you it may seem insignificant, sending a text to your parents letting them know what you're up to can be a huge relief to them especially when they have a daughter as naive as you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): I must say, I found it hard to follow your story! But this I can say:
1. So this first guy was ok with sleeping with you, but not with dating you? Why do that to yourself?
2. You seem to have learned from your mistakes of cheating, that's a good thing! That means you want a a guy you won't want to cheat on, who treats you so well, you won't want anybody else. That can take time to find.
3. "If I hang with one of my friends... he wont see me for like the weekend or longer if I do." That sounds like blackmail to me. Are you ok with him "punishing" you for seeing your other friends?
4. He compares you with people who "don't do anything and are users". Sounds like he puts you down. You really want someone who values and respects you and makes you feel good about who you are. There are guys out there who will do that. They may be harder to find, but don't settle for less! It will be worth the wait.
5. You said you fight a lot, so I reckon your parents probably mean it well. It's worrying for a parent if they can't reach their daughter knowing she fights a lot with her boyfriend. They probably just want to be able to know you're ok. If possible, just let them know that whenever they need to. That will build up more trust and they will worry less, which means they will bother you less!
You said you're happy with him now, despite the fighting, comparing you to your "user" friends and him not seeing you if you see your other friends.You didn't say what you actually want from these situations, which makes it pretty difficult to respond! Hope this helps though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Hi Jess_Marie,
Ok, you have got yourself into a LITTLE situation ;-)
You yourself have said you are "ashamed" of your behaviour in the 1st to 2nd week of dating your now boyfriend. The lies and cheating were not good, but you went through a period of random careless acts probably due to what happened the previous year (ex leaving you).
You've further shared since those 2 times, you have been faithful, however the trust has deteriorated. You yourself understand why he feels the way he does, including when you spend time with the "user" friends and cheaters/exes.
He hasn't done anything wrong, except to pursue you and be interested in you, only to discover you cheated. So you need to keep giving him leeway and understanding, and prove to him you have changed, that the reckless you is over and in the past, and that you are committed and how you feel about him.
I would suggest you have a heart to heart with him, where you share how you feel terrible about the beginning, about the past, it's not you, and that you've had time to think and realise what is important. Then show it. Be consistent and true. Show up where you say you will. Arrive when you say you will. Be true. Prove it over and over, and when he sees consistency and that he can believe you, you can begin to rebuild that trust.
All this, assuming you love him and want to be with him.
If not, then set him free to find someone who feels about him, as he does about the person. Allow him to be happy, as you in turn want to be happy.
What your Auntie has said is not right - we should not be with someone while keeping our eyes open for someone else??? If you don't really want the one you are with, set them free and THEN look for someone else. Use the time alone to grow and develop yourself, so that when you are in a relationship, you respect the boundaries and the person you are with.
In today's day and age, it's not a bad idea to have family/friend's mobile phones, because it can be a safety factor. You are 18, a young adult, however parents will always see you as their child, and they care. If you don't answer your phone when you are upset, it makes sense they wanted your boyfriend's number.
However, be the young mature adult you are becoming, and instead, ALWAYS answer your phone if you are able and have it nearby. Then nobody needs to feel they need other people's numbers to get hold of you. You could also say, they must only contact him in an emergency, to respect your privacy and the relationship.
Also, if in future you have an argument with your boyfriend, don't avoid his calls. You can always answer and say I need time to think, or to cool off, so please respect that time and I will get back to you, then end the call. That way, he doesn't need to panic, and if it's your folks looking for you, you can say the same to them.
So decide if you really like/love your boyfriend of 7 months - if you do, then be real, true and have a real conversation where you draw the line on the past, both agree to put it behind you, and start with a new page. Then agree to never hold it against you, or talk of it, it's over. Then be consistent and show you have changed. Reward his patience and energy in you, by being good to him. Write him texts, emails, letters where you express your gratitude for what he means to you, and you appreciate him, and what you both share. Get him small things, like keyrings, pins, anything small that shows you think of him, care for him, appreciate him. He will see the change, and he will respond to it.
Remember, although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart.
I hope you can rebuild the trust, with him and with your parents :)
All the best,
xxxx E
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