A
female
age
,
*ustbnme
writes:My youngest son had a previous marriage and has two sons from that marriage. After the divorce, he met a woman online from another state who has one son that he is married to now. His new wife was unhappy about the child support he was paying so she was adamant about him getting custody of his boys which they ultimately did. (they were 5 and 7 years old and her son was 3). I am very grateful for them getting custody because their living situation with their Mom was not good.In the very beginning, it was obvious that my son's new wife did not like his boys, particularly his youngest son however not much was made of it although it would really irritate me, I managed to keep my mouth shut.Fast forward 10 years, I had not seen the kids for a few months (they live about 20 minutes drive from me) so a holiday came up and I called my son and asked if I could come by and see the kids. My daughter in law had gotten to the point that she didn't want me to come to their house nor them to mine. He said yes although I could feel her anger when he approved me to come over.By her not wanting me to come over, I was angry when I left to go and when I got there, my youngest grandson had a bad case of acne developing on his face. I was upset. After a few minutes I suggested getting a popular product for the acne. My daughter in law was livid and said "that cost $30 a month"When my daughter in law complained about the price of the acne medication, I turned to my son and asked him if he cared if I got it. My daughter in law was so angry and the next day my son came over to my house angry and pretty much jumped onto me letting me know how hard it was to be a step-parent.It would be appropriate here to add that they just purchased a new home and were buying all kinds of new things for it however they could not afford medication for his son's face.I did buy the medication and now his acne problem is gone but my son doesn't call me. I have called him a few times but there is a lot of tension.
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female
reader, Justbnme +, writes (21 August 2014):
Justbnme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you Ciar. My son is not the innocent bystander and the fact that he will put her ahead of his kids is very hard to accept.
Thank you so much for taking your time to respond.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 Justbnme, as objectionable a character as your daughter in law may be, remember your son is no innocent bystander here. He picked her. He's decided he'd rather disappoint and inconvenience his own children than disappoint her.
I suggest you ignore her foul mood and remain courteous and formal. If she has something to say to you let her muster up the courage to do so. Familiarity breeds contempt so keep your visits brief and upbeat. If you think your grandchildren need something they're not getting offer to get it but ignore any attitude that follows.
If the woman sees you're not a threat to her, but not a pushover and that you won't be rattled she may settle down some.
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A
female
reader, Justbnme +, writes (18 August 2014):
Justbnme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares, I have read your answer several times and I appreciate your efforts at being objective however there is so much that was not covered here. It would make for a too long post to try to cover it all.
I do have a couple of your issues that I want to respond to. I cannot imagine ANYONE rather having a house to inherit and keeping acne scars. Acne scars will be there for the rest of your life and will affect everything a person does in their life.
I was not banned from their house, I just didn't go much because I knew I was not welcome by the DIL. Actually my son told me that I didn't come near as much as he would like for me to and that if I was out and about, just call and let him know I was coming by. I don't do that because of DIL's attitude toward me coming but I definitely was not banned.
I am sure I have made some mistakes over the years, who doesn't? but I can tell you I have bent over backwards and then some to get her acceptance. At this point, I don't have the energy to keep trying.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 I am fully aware that you won't like my answer as much as the other ones, - you won't like it at all, in fact, but I hope at least you'll appreciate the honesty and the atttempt at objectivity.
I think that you have , inadvertently and with the best of intentions, already crossed a MIL's ( and a mother's )boundaries . If your DIL is angry and bitter about her lot in life, I hope you don't want to add to said bad lot in life having a interfering , critical MIL. And do not forget your son - I think you should back off , if you want to keep a good , healthy relationship with your SON.
There are always two sides to a story but at DC we only get the poster's one. There's generally much more. For instance, for you being banned from their house ( and self inviting yourself anyway, though, although you know it's not appreciated !! ) lots of things must have happened along the years , and there might have been a MUTUAL build up of wrong doings.
But also wanting to pick sides ,and deciding that yes , your DIL is just a horrible, evil witch...
don't forget she is the resident evil witch. She is the boss. She is in charge, you are not. And your son is an adult, he has the right to choose how to treat his wife, how to deal with her, and what to spend their money on.
THEY are the adults responsible for these kids, you are not. They decide what are the priorities regarding them, for everything, including health and acne. You can say your opinion, of course, but be careful to use tact and do not step on any toes.
So little Johnny has got acne, and his parents ( parent and step parent ) have decided, for whatever reason of theirs, to not make a big deal out of it. Respect that. Trust that they know what they are doing, and , even if they don't... it's not your job to teach them, or to fix their blunders. Your making a big deal out about the kid's acne was ill received because out of order. It's for THEM, not for you, deciding if and how and when it should be treated .
And- case in point- so what ,if it's just about money ? It's THEIR money, they know what they can and want to spend it on what. They have THEIR priorities, that may not be yours. So they just decided to buy a house and plenty of new stuff for it. And ?... Maybe that's precisely the reason why they aren't keen on spending extra money . Maybe that's not what you'd do with your money- but it is not yours, it's theirs. Maybe they think it's better to have a child with acne scars ... who stands to inherit a nice, well furnished house, than a kid with flawless skin who does not. Anyway, they do not have to explain and justify to YOU all they do or buy or decide. Accept that they are in charge, and, short of witnessing blatant abuse, step back.
The nature of your relationship makes a big difference too. Of course a relative you have a close, warm relationship with, and who is a frequent, welcome visitor, CAN speak her mind more freely, does not need to watch her step that much, can offer frequent suggestions and even some criticism.
But since the formal, stifled relationship you have, I'd stick to " if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything ". Objectively... whomever fault it is, you show up ( unwelcome and uninvited ) every few months, and as soon as you set foot in the house : and Johnny has got acne, and why do you spend money on the house, and why don't you do this and why you don't you that ...
There aren't the conditions for this level of intimacy !- are you really surprised that your son tells you ( more nicely ) " and why don't you mind your own business and let ME deal with my wife and family ? "...
Remember, you don't like that woman, but your son DOES. Ten years of marriage is not a fling- this is his lawful wife, and as a husband there's a limit of criticism to which he can allow his wife to be subjected. By anybody- including his mother.
Finally , you say this woman is angry- but you sound as angry too, and a bit prejudiced as well. You seem to think it's bad that she encouraged your son to get custody of the kids, and to think that she did it just to save child support's money. Why, are you under impression that they are saving any money by having the same kids at home, rather than at a distance ? ..How's that ? At home they still eat food, wear down shoes and clothes, consume water and electricity, etc. In fact, with child support, once you have paid your legal dues, you can choose to ignore any extra request or necessity it should arise .... which is much more difficult to ignore when you have them underfoot, and if they aren't clamoring for more stuff by themselves... someone else may be :) ( see the acne thing ). I don't think they saved a bundle by having the
kids there, and anyway, let me tell you, MOST step mothers would gladly choose to have the husband pay child support BUT have the stepchildren away and out of their feet, so this woman who volunteered to act as parent and RAISE them in lieu of their real mom, and give them a stability and a family atmosphere..... gets no credit , and a lot of flak instead . No good deed remains unpunished , apparently :)
This is the woman who helped your son raise his kids, so that they did not have to grow up in a broken home, or with an unfit mother, or in foster homes even . Maybe she did not do a good job, in your opinion- but , apparently your SON's opinion is different, it was good enough in his eyes.
What about giving this stepmother a bit of recognizion for her availability , and a bit of trust and respect as parents to both ?...
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A
female
reader, Justbnme +, writes (18 August 2014):
Justbnme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both very much for your help. Both are great answers.
Yes, Contryaly she is that obsessed with money. My son needed eye surgery and she battled him getting it for a year and half because of the cost and him being off work for a month although he had enough sick leave accumulated.
I will stay away even if it is breaking my heart because I don't want it to seem like my fault for any problems they have.
I can only hope my two grandsons doesn't come out of this influence thinking the only way to get along in a relationship is to bow and cow down. I'm afraid that is what they are learning from my son.
Thank you both again so much!
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 This is just a horrible situation and I feel for you. I don't imagine everything in their house is as rosy as they pretend it to be. There is very little you can do here other than be supportive when you are given the opportunity. Deep down your son will not like the way he has been forced to pick sides and this will eventually resolve itself in your favour. I would do nothing more than you are doing although I know it makes you unhappy. Although I would have behaved just like you did I imagine your DIL was embarrassed about not dealing with the acne and felt called out on it.
Really I would just leave them to it. Your DIL is clearly very unhappy and bitter about her lot in life and that is not an area you can probably help her with. I am not 100% sure this marriage will last another ten years. The children are getting old enough to have their own minds and to be contacted by you direct and vice versa so remain civil and friendly and when you send cards etc let them know you are just around the corner, always keen to see them etc.
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A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (17 August 2014):
Sounds like they have some underlining issues in your son's relationship that you may not be aware of. Money issues in a family can be very destructive, She sounds like she could be very controlling and selfish when it comes to money matters. wanting to appear to live the "good life" when they are secretly struggling to keep up. Your son is probably doing everything he can do to make her happy. The not liking the kids, confuses me though, Most women wouldn't want custody of them if they didn't like them. If it was just so he wouldn't have to pay child support to another woman just so she could have it that's just wrong on many levels. although their isn't much you can do except be their for your grandchildren and your son and try to respect his wishes when it comes to his wife, and yes i know its hard. be supportive and tell him if he ever needs to talk that you will listen. It just sounds like their is trouble brewing and he isnt sure of how to handle it.
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