A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Boyfriend and I have been together a year and 6 months and we live together. How ever every time we fight, or I'm depressed or upset and cry and freak out on him he makes excuses to not be around me. Like today we have been fighting all weekend because we have both been stressed and ive been having bad problems with anxiety and I've been depressed. This morning I was crying and yelling at him because he wouldn't stay home and comfort me and be there for me like any other boyfriend would instead he lied and said his mom wanted her to help him. I just don't understand why he would lie just to get away from me. Should I let this go or be done with him?
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): Because after arguing so much, he doesn't want to be around you for a bit....
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 OP, while I can sympathize with you regarding the anxiety and the depression, there is no illness on earth that forces its sufferers to exploit or abuse others. And that is precisely what you're doing to your boyfriend. No one is obliged to stick around to be verbally assaulted every time you go on a bender. Not your family, not your best friend, not your soul mate. Not anyone. There is no shortage of reading material on anxiety and depression, no shortage of counselors and therapists in the western world and no excuse for not availing yourself of them. The only thing I can fault your boyfriend with is running away like a coward instead of putting his foot down and giving you a firm reminder of the boundaries. Get help, OP and sort yourself out. It's a process and it takes patience, work, courage and determination, but the rewards are so worth it. In the meantime, stop taking your life's frustrations out on others.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 I agree with the posters who suggest you seek medical help. You do not need so much a supportive bf, as a good specialist , and also to make a committment to take responsibility for your mental health, and seek proper treatment for your anxiety and depression issues.
You sound totally out of control, overemoting and freaking out at leisure, and what surprises me is that apparently you think that this is normal, and that a good boyfriend SHOULD stay around to take abuse any time you go berserk , which sounds like it is quite often. Heck no !!, that's not what happens normally, in fact, this guy must be crazy about you, because no man with a little pride and a little common sense would dance attendance around you if this is how you normally react to stress and / or arguments. That would mean enabling you, which ultimately is not good for anybody, including you.
The only thing is, that he is being a big wuss, and rather than setting his foot down and telling you : "Enough already ! That's not how we can carry on a functional, fulfilling relationship. You start dealing with your issues and working at fixing yourself, and THEN, if you show me you are serious about that, I will be here for you to help you along the process- not before. So now you can also turn off the waterworks". He prefers to be passive aggressive and come up with diplomatic excuses why he " can't " be with you. While , in fact, he does not want, if you have to be like that. I do not condone lies, he SHOULD be sincere with you- then again, maybe he is just scared s...less that ,if he tells it like it is, you are going to rage even more, to the point of hurting yourself - or HIM. So more than lies- it's self defense.
OP, you do need to seek help and get a grip, because if you think that the way you are carryng on it's the normal way how balanced loving couples act... ( and I suspect you do ! ), then you are far gone and you need more help than just a pat on your head by an indulgent bf .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2014):
 My first advice to you is get some help with the anxiety. Do NOT expect a BF/partner to "fix" that for you.
And I have to agree with Staceily. I don't know many men who will willingly sit and comfort their GF while she verbally abuses him. I hope not many women would take that kind of crap either.
This is NOT how people behave in a healthy loving relationship.
I think you need to focus some of all that attention to your mental health. DEAL with whatever issue that CAUSES you to feel all this anxiety, and deal with the FACT that you seem to think it's OK to YELL at your BF when you are not doing so well. It's not. If the gender-roles were reversed in this post, I'm betting most people would say it's abuse and you need to stop.
Lastly, I can't stand liars. But to be really frank, I don't really blame your BF. I think his lies are the only option he can think of to avoid these situations. Not the smartest thing of him, considering how easily you see though the lies.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): You need to see a doctor to determine if your depression and anxiety requires treatment. Do you have mood swings during your menstrual cycle; or is this something that occurs only after a fight?
Why would anyone want to be around someone after they've had a fight and the person is a mess? Sounds like you do a lot of dramatizing and emotionalizing. You drive him away from you with all that. You may not be able to help it; but if it is clinical depression, maybe treatment by a mental-health professional can help you.
Don't get the impression that boyfriends are around to constantly sop up your tears, tolerate your yelling, and be a captive audience for your drama. That's the best way to lose one.
When you're down more than you're up, he will not want to spend any time with you. Not for any reason, not even when he should.
He has to make up a reasons to leave, because he can't deal with the reaction he'd get, if he told you exactly why! You're getting on his nerves! Telling you that will just lead to another fight.
I don't know if you'll be the one making the choice of who dumps whom. I think he is going to leave once he has had enough of you.
Seek help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (17 August 2014):
 You are crying and yelling at him so he wants to leave. I hate to tell you but most boyfriends wouldn't sit and comfort you through that, most would run the other direction. It isn't right of him to lie but you have to put yourself in his shoes. He can't be honest with you and say "I don't want to be yelled at right now so I'm going to go". He would get the verbal attack of his lifetime. So he is backed into a corner and does all he feels he can.
You suffer from anxiety and depression. Have you tried to get help for this? I know you are having issues and you feel it is your boyfriend's job to comfort and sit with you through them but everyone has their limit. And you need to help yourself through your issues. And having depression and anxiety doesn't excuse you from freaking out on and yelling at your boyfriend. If he is the sole cause of your problems then you should leave him. But if these are your own problems and you are taking it out on him you need to stop and get help. You will only push him away and any other man you date. It is not normal to behave this way in a relationship and it isn't healthy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): "I just don't understand why he would lie just to get away from me."
I do.
What I don't understand is why HE would want to shack up with a chick who fights with him, gets depressed and upset, freaks out on him, and cries and yells at him on an apparently regular basis in the first place.
If you want him to stop lying just to get away from you then stop giving him good reasons to want to get away from you. Or, to be blunt, stop being a needy, hysterical, demanding, shrieking shrew and start being a person whom he actually wants to be around.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): Be done with him! A real man will fight back (not abusively but you know.) or just deal with it. You deserve better!
...............................
A
female
reader, Abbiestar  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 I think your boyfriend might just be bad at confrontation. Maybe he would rather leave than continue to fight with you fearing it might end up in a breakup. I know you'd expect your boyfriend to be the one to comfort you, but maybe you could seek that from a friend or a family member who lifts you up again . I don't think it means he doesn't love you. It looks like it is more because of his personality.
...............................
|
