A
male
age
,
*etsneakers
writes:My daughter doesn't like my wife. How can this be?My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We're in our early 50's and we're very happy together. I was married to my first wife for 13 years and that ended 12 years ago. There are no step-children in this situation.My oldest daughter (I have 2 - both teenagers 17 and almost 15) has recently decided she doesn't like the person my wife is. This story is a little more complicated however.The daughter in question has been struggling for 2 years with substance abuse and an eating disorder. In that time she bounced back and forth between our and her mothers household finally ending up in a rehab facility for adolescents. If you've never experienced a teenager abusing substances then you don't know the havoc they can render, but believe you me, there were moments when I wished my daughter would just simply leave my life. Those were very dark days to be certain and in the words of an expert we've all suffered from severe trauma.Yesterday I sat in a psychologists office listening to the reasons my daughter has made the decision to reestablish her life at the home of her mothers; instead of mine. I accept her reasons of not liking the small town atmosphere of where we live (her mother lives in a larger city) and that she doesn't want to live apart from her sister, however I cannot understand or accept that she does not like the person my wife is.I will only defend my wife with saying everyone else in our family thinks she's wonderful; especially me.My daughter and I have been very close. I was the adult she could tell anything to. I was the male she could confide female things to. Now this seems to have disappeared and I feel abandoned and betrayed. Letting go of what we used to have continues to be very hurtful.The psychologist recommended I sit back and wait for my child to come around, but experience has taught me I'll be very very old, if and when this happens. To me this just as another attempt of my daughter to manipulate her situation (something she's proven to be very effective at) to suit her ill conceived notions of reality; a left over, unresolved issue that plagues many who struggling with substance abuse for sure. But this is another topic entirely. Suffice it to say my daughter is not likely to move from her current position of her back firmly placed against the wall. All of this fell on deaf ears with said psychologist.[Sidebar: I don't want to open a can of worms here, but in certain circles it is understood that most of the professional field do not have a handle on the true issues of substance abuse. I am one of those within one of these circles.]I'm elated my daughter is recovering from her illness and I'm accepting she is moving on and returning to her mothers home, but I cannot accept one of her reasons.My questions are these: How should I approach situations where normally my wife and I would both attend (eg. my daughters upcoming graduation from the institute) when in reality my daughter doesn't want my wife there? Is it wrong for me to feel angry that I'm being asked to abandon my marital perspective in favour of my parental one? Thanks for your help,Sincerely,fatherorhusband?
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 I am not a mother, and though my childhood situation was different than your daughters, I'd like to share a wonderful childhood/teenage memory with you.
I was "adopted" as a baby (from a poor relative who was financially disadvataged) though never formally nor legally on papers - a very common thing in Asia. Anyways, a very busy-body aunt broke this news to me when I was 10. Suffice it to say, I went from being upset at my mother for not being the person who broke the news to me (I had always suspected that I was not biologically hers), to being livid at my aunt for "hurting" my mom's feelings, to feeling "rejected" by my birth-mother. This was a tough process to endure for my mother I am sure.
But, to this day, in my late 30s, I always remember my adopted parents saying to me that whatever I decided to do - either to stay with them or to go back to my birth parents - they wanted me to know that first and foremost, I will be much loved by two sets of parents! My birth parents have since passed away, and my wonderful adopted parents are getting on in years. Now I support - whenever I can - one of my birth sisters! Go figure!
Sure, I did not have substance abuse nor ever got into any trouble, but when I was a teenager, there were many many times that I thought everything in the world just sucked! LOL
I guess what I am trying to say, even if your daughter chose not to live with you, I would suggest that you OFTEN tell her you love her. Send her personal emails and greeting cards (not necessarily for special occasions only!) with your signature on it. Even it had a short message, it would be a good way to remind her that she is always in your thoughts. She may feel less "threatened" if your wife does not sign the cards, but knowing that you still think of her (i.e. your daughter) hopefully in time she will accept your wife too.
Good luck! I hear parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but also the most rewarding! :-)
Cat
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 "Whither thou goest, I will go". I'd tell your daughter your wife accompanies you to all social events and gatherings, if she would rather neither you NOR your wife attend her graduation then so be it. I would never allow a child of mine to dictate my actions and I don't think you should either. She is shooting herself in the foot but sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. You and your wife have become one, and that's the way it should be.
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