A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The man i am dating this year has a little free time because he oughts to be in a lot of social events because of his responsibilities. When we arrange to meet it's fine but when he can't i try hard to accept it. I feel that he doesn't really care although it isn't so but he can't be available a lot of times. Sometimes i feel angry and i try to have a good time but it isn't easy. I think about him all the time. I feel that it is my fault that we can't arrange meet each other more often. Sometimes when i am out i forgot temporally this matter but soon i think about him all the time. Should i try to have a good time anyway or should i demand more time with him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Hi, I know this one well. My husband works veeeeery long hours. When I met him this was so. He finished work at 12.30 at night and started at 11 in the morning, so he had no free time except for one day off a week. On that one day off he had so many things to do, so many friends, family, appointments etc, it was very difficult. Of course, on the first few dates he gave that time all to me, but that very soon changed because he couldn't really spare all that time for me. Like you I got veeeery frustrated - in all ways :)). He would want to come over after work - but who wants to stay up and play at that time of night??? especially if there is a job to go to, but sometimes it was nice just to feel his arms around me in bed, and see his face there to wake up to. Just like you I juggled in my head with 'is this worth it', 'do I carry on or find someone who is around'. Well he is a lovely person, and I kind of had to give up taking this thing personally, just like you are doing - you start to think if I was better looking, more interesting, etc etc, he would want to be here - right? Wrong. Its nothing to do with you, its just who they are, what they do, it has nothing to do with us. So we were together for 2 years and then we got married. I have to say he was very good at romancing me then - sweet little text messages, bunches of flowers, calling me his princess, I felt special. So then we got married. What I personally learned was that you can't get everything from one person, so I decided he gave me the love and affection I was lacking, and I got the other stuff from different people - friends, not lovers or anything, and I just decided to carry on as though I was still single - cus I was then - and make my own life as good as I could. He then had to fit round that, or we had to fit round each other, instead of me always waiting for him. I don't know why us girls do that, but as soon as we get into a relationship we suddenly start fitting our lives round someone elses. Why do we do that? Once we got married I changed, I know I did. I suddenly expected to become his wife and that that would change things, but of course it never, only in the fact the romancing stopped cus he thought he'd got me and didn't have to try so hard, and that was hard cus that kept me going, but like I said he's a really nice guy and was very loving to me. He also worked opposite to where I live, so I could see him any time I wanted really and he often popped home if he needed something, so it was nice. Our problems really started a couple of weeks ago - and take note of this - when he changed his job!!!! He was then a little freer cus he had the evenings off, though he still works 6-6, so he's very tired when he's finished work and wants to sleep by 9 !!!! But for me then, I had got used to my own space, and to suddenly have him here every night has been a real big shock. Now I'm asking the same question, do I want this, don't I want this. We are going through a huge period of adjustment at the moment, trying to work out how we live now, and its not easy, but we do love each other very much and I know we will get through this. However, I am thinking of moving to the coast - and that won't fit in with him - so I think I'll be going alone, and we'll probably go back to our short time together. At the moment I don't know. Sooooooo, what would I say to you? If you really love him, and you want to be with him, then make your own life as good as you can. I read in a book 'women are not empty vessels waiting to be filled up by a man' - that is so true. If you need him thats not so good. If you want him thats better. So make your own life as good as you can, and then see how you feel. If it really doesn't suit you, then to hell with it, there's plenty more out there with time to see you. But if he is really special to you, try to understand his life, he will really appreciate that rather than you whining that you're bored or miserable without him. Men like women who are independent and have their own lives - it makes their life much easier. But if you're not that way, then find someone who fits the bill. Good luck hun.
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