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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm feeling stuck and sad. When it comes to my boyfriend, I can't figure out what he wants anymore. He's one of those people who HATES to hurt others. We fell in love 2 years ago. We hit it off so well. We could talk for hours and he was certain I was unlike any other women. He understood me and my complicated past so well. He spoiled me all the time and loved doing it (just to make me smile)! He called me the most beautiful women in the world and our connection felt so good, so right. I have a long and iffy dating history, but things with him were just different, my family LOVES him, etc. etc. (even though he's younger and I had never dated younger before). Such a good feeling.A year later, however, I wonder if I am becoming more like the "ball and chain" now. Gradually the "honeymoon phase" wore off. I was treated for depression the summer we grew apart somewhat. I wasn't myself and I know I was a heavy burden on him. I had a tendency to over-react when depressed and I think he lost respect for me. I'm getting better now but he's not the same. He used to understand me so well, and now argue constantly. He is more busy than in the beginning of the relationship, and we have conflicting schedules now. He doesn't seem as interested as me in making plans or getting the same days off. He'll do it if I ask, but I wonder if it's what he really wants to do. I love him so much, but I want him to love me back and be serious about investing the time needed to make a relationship work. I can't express my love to someone who I question, so I have slowly stopped showing affection and I'm just cold and defensive (like in my past relationships, I shut down easily). He got back from a short trip and was bothered by how much golf he'd get to play (obsessed with golf) if we get the same 2 days off in a week. This kinda hurts that he seems more excited for that than spending time together. I'm concerned about it because I am leaving the country for several months in a few weeks.Despite this, he gets argumentative when I bring up spending extra time with me before I leave. I'm getting all emotional because I'm leaving and he seems fine with it. The way I see it, we can try to get the same days off (even if he plays golf less and then he has all this time to do what he pleases once I'm gone, right?) Do you think his heart is in this anymore? Should I let go of the relationship before I leave? I love him, but maybe he is realizing how much work a relationship can be at certain times and doesn't like it.He said tonight, he's just not happy and we're just not compatible (total OPPOSITE thing to say a year ago). He has said this before and usually regrets saying it the next day..but I guess he means it? He's just afraid to hurt me? Is he afraid of the constant fighting? Usually he tells me everyday he loves me so much, but I'm starting to wonder what that means. He's not very good at following through with what he says anymore, and forgets little promises he makes. How do you know when a guy no longer wants to be in relationship but hates to break your heart? ps. Sorry this is a loooonnng question. I just want the old bf back--the one who was so considerate of every word...the days when I was like "Okay, i think I need some space now" LOL! How things change! Why do they change?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 He may have felt it wrong to carry the "burden" of the relationship. His not showing emotions now that you're leaving can be understood in a different way: he is hurt that you're leaving for so long, but can't complain, so he shows no feelings about that.
I'm not sure if he's gone past the point of no return. You can think he has. I guess the proof will be when you're away. If he won't communicate with you with reasonable frequency, you'll know it's over.
A
female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (5 May 2008):
I think the time you are away is a good thing!! You will both have your own time and space apart. Like the other reader said, it's a good test. I also think that from this point on, you need to back up a little. Don't be so needy of his time and attention and he'll start to want to spend more time with you. I have learned that from personal experience. Start being more independent. Don't ask him to take any days off with you, don't argue with him and don't ask him to spend more time with you before you leave. Do your own thing and when he sees that you are not nagging him and asking him to be with you, he will start to think and his attitude will change dramatically. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Relationships shouldn't be this traumatic, they shouldn't require so much from one individual. I think he is feeling an excess burden and this is why he is becoming distant.
I think you need to work more with a professional psychoanalysis and work on your issues.
A partner who is connected as he is, can only handle so much, and it sounds as though he is ready to explode.
Don't blame him, he isn't superman, and you need to take more responsibilities for your emotions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Sounds all to familiar. Except with a girl for me. But yes sometimes people just grow apart. People can love each other but just not be IN love. I'd say the weeks you have to be gone for is a good test. It will allow him space and he can see what life will be like without you. Give him space and see how he reacts. It can be hard to accept losing someone you love dearly, but sometimes if you really love someone you just gotta...let them go
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