A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 18 years old and have a bf who is Hindu. I am sikh which can be seen as a problem within my family. However my mum, who is relaxed knows about my boyfriend and has met and spoke with him on several occasions. His parents and grandparents know about me and are asking him to meet me. We have been together almost 2 years and have been talking about marriage for a while. About 6 months ago, my brother found out about this relationship and told my father. He sat me down and told me it was either the family...or my boyfriend. He said if he found out we were still togther he would kill us both (which he wouldn't do but would be extreme consequneces for example arranged marriage) He said the only way I was able to stay with my boyfriend was if we get married right away, which my boyfriends parents would not have allowed because he was too young. We were too in love to break up with each other, and so we carried on seeing each other on strict terms. I want to get married to him but dont know how to approach this with my dad. I am scared he will force me to have an arranged marriage, which is why i want to tell him before he has the chance to arrange one. Can anyone please give me some advice on what to do and how this can be solved. It would be appreciated. thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I doubt this can be solved, you are in a strong cultural situation and your father is not going to change his mind. Sounds like your mom understands, and truthfully I think you have to talk to her for the best advice.
Otherwise you will probably face an arranged marriage.
A
female
reader, sparkleworks  +, writes (16 January 2009):
 Although I'm Christian, my stepfather of 15 years is Sikh and after spending so much time with him and his family I've learnt quite a bit about the culture and traditions, so I know what an awful situation this is for you to be in.
To be honest, I don't think that anyone without full understanding of your culture and family can really give you constructive advice. You're going to have a lot of people telling you to just follow your heart and 'make your family understand', (and I mean no discredit to those people, they are genuinely trying to help!) but I know that it's a lot more complicated than that for you.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mum, so this is probably a good place to start, since she'd also be in the best position to help you talk with your father.
I sincerely hope for the best for both you and your boyfriend :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): The advice Jenny gave you is great, and she is right, no one should be forced to marry someone they don’t want to marry, I had a friend who had to marry her cousin because her family arranged that, and what the father had to say was I don’t want my daughter marrying someone I don’t want her to marry I am her father and I make her decisions and if she does not like that she can leave, then she is not my daughter anymore, yugeshni always said her father used this as a tool of power, to control them (she had 4 sisters) and make sure they don’t step out of line, and keep the family name good, and to make sure the money that family made stays in the family when I asked her why she doesn’t leave or say no, she explained to me how it is an Indian family when you get disowned, my heart broke for her, coz in my culture (Christian) it’s a fathers proudest day to give his daughter away to the man she loves and the man he knows will love and care for his daughter to the best of her abilities, so angel all I can say is its your choice, I know how hard these things can be, coz you love your family and your man, I don’t know what your situation is like either as every culture handles that differently all I can say is good luck and my this work out for you and your family I hope that you can come to a conclusion where everyone will be happy
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A
female
reader, Ask JenniHearts  +, writes (16 January 2009):
 this is a very tricky question. i am just dumbfounded that your father would go to so extreme messures as to make you pick between the family you love and the man you love. i understand about the culture difference but this is 2009. women are allowed to choose who they marry. or what they can do in life. we as women have rights and have fought very hard to be abole to use them
i think that you should sit down with your father and mother and talk about the entire situation. i know its hard and i know that fathers can be hard and stubborn but your his baby girl and he wants to protect you and his pride. (his pride being his culture) it sucks with the way some people will go to the ultramate extreme to push culture.
also maybe another factor is the fact that you hid this from your father. i know you were scared of the outcome but he's your father so that could be a bit of his tension. maybe (just maybe) you should introduce your father and your boyfriend. let them do some bonding and then tell them that your thinking of marrige. don't just pop that one on his lap just yet.
your right your too younge to be getting married right now but if you two are realy in love then nothing should stand in the way of that.(not even family) i believe that love can be anywhere. up in the sky on the ground in a nook and cranny or in the shadows or in the light. you need to explain to your dad that you LOVE this guy and you cant change your heart. remind him that your still his little girl but now you need to grow up and make your own disisions.
hope this helps
jenni hearts
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