A
male
age
30-35,
*am0091
writes:My dad is having an affair with the tennant that lives in our house that we rent. She is literally the scum of the earth (this is not an opinion). She is possibly on job-seekers allowance, claiming benefits, she's never owned her own house ever, all the furniture she owns is all second hand... etc. It's been going on ten months. He first admitted it before christmas, and moved out, only surviving four weeks (due to the fact that they are from completely different social classes and backgrounds) before he was begging to come back; due to the fact that she doesn't clean, cook, or iron, she just drinks all the time. My dad has ranted to many people about her and her family when he finally came back that she's "dirty", "lazy", "an alcoholic (drinks too much)", "untidy" etc... the complete opposite to us and my mother. He has left because "WE" are "NOT" fun anymore and he wants to have fun - he's started dressing really young for a 54 year old, wearing clothes that I would wear myself and I'm 24; he's having a major midlife crisis, in my opinion. He's even said that he feels that life is just passing him by, that he loves my mum, but is "in love" with the other woman. My mum has MS, I have Aspergers and his mother has Alzimers; we just think he's just running away from his problems and issues. My mum made him go to the doctor, and the doctor said he has "Atypical Depression", which he denied to me, my brother and mother. He has lied to me, his friends (some have actually said they don't want anything to do with him ever again) and even his own father and mother. I think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder; he always thinks he right, never apologizes to anyone, thinks that every man should be like him... he has stopped people coming around to our house, take people visiting (which is ironic since they have different vistors every single day; (SHE has a 14 year old son). In my opinion they are just after his money, he is spending on them like there is no tomorrow (but says, "I can do what I want with it, It's mine".How do you think it will turn out? Personally, I think they'll bleed him dry of money then when it's gone and there bored of him they toss him to the curb... Help, your thoughts?
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affair, alcoholic, christmas, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2016): Your hanging on obsessively, have you not listened to any of the advice? Put Mum first...Stress can really affect your mums MS.So she's a scum bag in your dad's words, is unclean and won't iron, the truth may hurt but she is probably too busy in the bedroom to do any housework. Your Dad is acting like a plonkerand nothing he say's makes any sense.You have Asperger's is it possible that you could you be having Obsessive behaviour regarding this situation something that you are getting so absorbed in for hours that you are not focusing on anything else?
A
male
reader, Sam0091 +, writes (7 April 2016):
Sam0091 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add in my original post that when he came back to us the first time (when he couldn't stand it there, due to the unclenliness, the fact that she doesn't clean, cook, iron his clothes, and that the house is dirty and a mess) - The complete opposite to what my mum does and what our house is. He came back crying hysterically; saying that he would commit suicide (has threatened suicide twice now) if he had to go back to living with her and there in that house and enviroment, so my mum let him back. But when he went this time the OW came up with the classic: "[Us] his family don't understand him, me and my family are the only ones who do..." Apparently now she's on her best behaviour, she' cooking, cleaning (but NOT ironing) and has got digital TV especially for him - desperate if you ask me. She won't be able to keep this up for long, cause' in my dad's words she's a "scumbag"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): If your mother isn't going to instigate divorce proceedings then you both should get a couple of suitcases, pack your father's things in them, leave them on the doorstep and tell him to come and collect them. At least you'll be doing something proactive.His girlfriend probably doesn't want him to get a divorce. That would mean a division of assets and since he's spending all the money on her it's likely to mean a drop in income. You're getting bogged down in the small stuff. Of course your father won't be with the girlfriend in a few years time, as she's a lazy alcoholic he's likely to move on elsewhere. In the meantime this does you, your mother and your grandmother no good. I know several people who allowed their husbands to spend money on other women/men and they ended up with very little once they eventually divorced.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): The OW probably has an inclination that he does not want a divorce and is hanging onto things 'like assets' that would no doubt be split, when divorce happens. Mum needs to divorce him, regardless of what he wants.
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A
male
reader, Sam0091 +, writes (6 April 2016):
Sam0091 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen asked by my mum about what went wrong in their marriage, he said that he "just got bored and that [the relationship] had just ran it's course". - Personally, I think this is a pathetic reason. The OW sounds maliputive filling his head with ideas, saying that [we] "are NOT kids anymore, we are adults", if that's so her adult daughter that lives with them should be out of that house... yes, I am an adult now, and that we should be trying to reach out and contact him instead of the other way around. Yet, he dosen't want a divorce and hasn't taken his stuff out of the house yet, keeps coming back and getting bits and pieces... sure the OW would be pleased to know that he dosen't want a divoce.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Oh yes, this is midlife crisis alright.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): I do understand your issue and upset and hurt, however although you speak as you find, you make one huge mistake in one particular area of your judgment. 'Opposite social class', you are no better than anyone on job seekers allowance or benefits or a home filled with second hand furniture. You may have every reason to despise the woman's character personally but her character is not formed by what she has or does not have. She sounds like trouble, I agree with this much but not because of her social class as you describe. Your Father is making a huge mistake as well by turning his back on his family for someone who clearly is using him, because she has that type of character just as the some so called high class people have that type of character.You should invest your energy into helping you and mum and grandma rebuild a good quality of life. Don't become obsessed in negative emotions about your father let life unfold naturally. You are a bright person with a lot of positive energy to give to other's...i.e. your Mum, who has MS she really should not have any extra stress in her condition and grandma...needs nice moments and so do you. People we trust and love do silly things sometimes that change other peoples worlds, it's up to you to make it a good new world. Please remember not to unfairly judge social classes, and learn more about this area of life in a positive way, that reflects the goodness in your character.Good Luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 If you all don't want him back, then why is he ALLOWED back?
And why is a TENANT allowed to live in your house?? You weren't clear whether or not YOU rent the house and she lives with you, or whether you own the house and she RENTS with you. That house belongs to your dad and your mom both, meaning in the event of a divorce, that MARITAL ASSET is in the court list of assets because it generates income. That would be MARITAL income.
If your mom were to divorce your dad and she were awarded the home, she can serve this woman notice. If the court orders the house to be sold and the proceeds split, then same thing.
You're missing the point if you think social inequality has anything to do with anything. In fact, I'm guessing that's a big part of WHY your dad keeps giving her money. She's showing him appreciation, which in many marriages is sorely lacking among spouses. The woman is playing up her "damsel in distress" to manipulate the guy which boosts his ego. He'll keep it up as long as she makes him feel like a million bucks. She's preying on your dad. He's an idiot. That's my amateur psych diagnosis. My prescription would be a divorce handed to him by his soon-to-be-ex wife.
You and your mom are getting distracted by playing amateur shrink. Bottom line? This tenant is manipulating your dad for money and favors. He needs to lose his family. Who cares if he's depressed or narcissistic or whatever? No psych title should shield anyone from consequences.
You're also getting distracted by wanting him to fail at this other "relationship", which is not a relationship, but a tenant using your dad as an ATM sucker and taking advantage of him in order to survive. If your mom turns the woman out of the house in a divorce proceeding, she'll drop your dad like a hot potato.
I think you should stay focused and help your mom find a good lawyer. Clear your mind of doctors and psych labels, social classes, and this other woman. Get the lawyer, do a forensic accounting of all of your dad's financial assets and holdings right down to the last house and stock option and bank account, and then pull the trigger and bring him down. You know the funny thing is - the moment your mom gets really serious about this is the moment your dad will all of a sudden be "cured" of midlife crisis and he will be desperately pathetically frantic to prove himself to your mom, beg to go to counseling, kick the tenant out, grovel out an apology for saying you're "not fun", and start over-the-top gestures at getting her to change her mind.
I've seen it firsthand in a relationship where a business owner had a midlife crisis, moved out, put his wife down for the same reasons, dressed way too young, and started dating a woman in her low 20's (he was 58). It took his wife a few months to cry about it, and then on advice, then she called a lawyer and a private investigator to fully account for his finances (he was worth about 5 million including some things he tried to hide from her, and he was doing commercials for his businesses). The divorce proceedings started, and there was no prenup, and he flipped out at what the law entitled her to, that she was part owner of the businesses, and a whole lot more. He at first tried to diminish her role in everything, but when that didn't work, he decided REALLY quickly that he didn't want the divorce after all. All of a sudden, this 20'something he was with was the one he put down, calling her a gold digger and a "psycho" and more...and begging for marriage counseling (which surprise! He laughed at her when she was asking for it before).
She kept going with the divorce until he suffered a massive heart attack and nearly died. I'm not kidding. This is a true story. They are back together. Things aren't the way they were, but it's one step at a time, and he feels so stupid for what he did.
My point is - it all rests with your mom. I know she has health issues, so you can help her do the filing. Your mom is a vulnerable person for having Alzheimers (if she's been diagnosed with it), so your dad will really have to pay up for what he's doing.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 Please read Agony Aunt YouWish's reply. Now read it again.
Excellent advice!
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A
male
reader, Sam0091 +, writes (4 April 2016):
Sam0091 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe (us) don't want him back... I just want their relationship to blow up in the air and fail (... I think it will since they are so different and from completely opposite social classes).
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 April 2016):
YouWish’s answer may seem harsh but I’m afraid it’s entirely correct. Your mother and you should not have him dictating who can visit you, or trying to keep hold of the right to any say over what his wife does whilst he carries on with a mistress he rants and raves about, but lavishes money on. It’s you and your mother I feel sorry for, this must be awful. When we see people we love self-destructing, we make all kinds of excuses. People who say, without a moment’s hesitation, that, for example, if their kids took drugs they’d kick them out, or if their spouses were alcoholics they’d be off like a shot, have probably never been in those situations. Your mum has to move on from him, because he simply isn’t sorry for the terrible hurt he has caused. If he ditched the other woman and fell on his knees apologising, there might be something to work with, but there isn’t. I think he needs to hear from both of you that there are no excuses for his behaviour and how utterly selfish he is being. If you want to see him, you should set the terms. I think you should also tell your mum that you will support her if she is ready to exit this relationship, because this must be hurting her terribly. The reality is that if your father thinks he can keep coming back to her, he’ll always have one foot in your door and one in the mistress’s. He made his bed, now he must live with the consequences.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins +, writes (4 April 2016):
 I find it offensive that you call this woman 'scum of the earth' because she's claiming benefits, has never owned her own home, has used furniture. I really do hope you ment it's because of her drinking and other things you made that comment.
Anyway, I think you should just be there for your mother and support her through this as best as you can. It's all you can do really, but move your focus from what your dad is doing, and over to your mother. This must be quite a difficult time for her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 April 2016):
Your mom needs to divorce your dad, plain and simple. He's getting away with all of this because your mom is enabling him. He's keeping her hostage to her health, justifying his crap, and she's not calling him out on it.
The law would give her alimony, and serious alimony in a divorce. He wouldn't be blowing all of his money on this alcoholic mistress, and she would be taken care of.
Why was he allowed to return home after finding out that this tenant was a freeloader? That's the entire problem right there! You and your mom are allowing his justifications. Neither of you are psychiatrists, so "diagnosing him" or him "self-diagnosing" himself are all excuses and copouts designed to keep him from being accountable to the affects of his choices.
Your mom should divorce him. He needs to lose her and his house and his family. His wife needs to move on, plain and simple. How can he stop people from visiting your house if he's not AT your house?? And if it's official and he's kicked out, then he'll have no one to come begging back to when he realizes that what he's doing is self-destructive.
As for YOU - you're in your 20's. You need to break free of both of them and start YOUR life. Yes, I know you need to be there for your mom, and I know you are, but you need to start forging your own path and not let your dad suck you into this insanity.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 My advice would be to leave him be to his own devices. He is an adult after all. It could be possible that you intervening in any way would have a detrimental effect on you rather then a positive one on him. If he is the narcissist you say he is why waste one good breathe after another trying to get him to see sense- He's right anyway, isn't he? Sit back, show no interest and let things run its course. While that is happening do all that you can to best support your mum.
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