A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After nearly 30 years of marriage, my parents' relationship is falling apart! My dad says he's trying to fix things, but my mom wants nothing to do with it. She doesn't want divorce, she says, but she's always mean to him, and gets angry when he isn't completely under her control. She is angry that he's overweight, she's angry that he goes out and has hobbies, and she's angry that he's at home trying to fix their relationship.My dad has turned to me to ask for help. But my mother has always been difficult. What do I do? What do I say? My dad still loves my mom so much. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much. I'll try not to mediate too much. I suppose they should learn to rely on each other for communication, not on me!
I have told my father to stand up for himself, and I've told my mom that what she's doing is uncalled for. We'll see where it goes from here.
I'll update as I can. Thanks :)
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 First I want you to really understand this, it's not your issue. All though you love your parents very much, this is an adult issue, and it's hard for a child to try to take this on themselves.
What happens in a marriage, is our boundaries get out of whack. Let me explain this in a way you can understand. Your with someone for 5 years. The first 3 years you get exactly 15 kisses a day. your 4th year the first half you get 14 then the second half you get 13. That change is so gradual, you learn to accept and adapt to the change as not a big deal. But over 30 years you have so many not a big deals, it turns into a real big deal.
They need to come to terms with their issues. First, realize they can live in happy unity of continue living a disconnected lifestyle. What I would do is, be calm, then every time she says or does something that is mean or out of ordinary, confront her on it. If she says something "you know that wasn't nice to say, and there's no reason to act that way."
Your dad needs to realize too that in relationships we define how we choose to be treated. He needs to redefine his boundaries and let her know, how he chooses to be treated, and he has to stick to it. No one has any right to treat anyone less than they choose to be treated.
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Usually there's blood on both hands in a relationship with problems, so your dad needs to like inwards and see what he may be doing to fuel the situation.
However, the way you're describing your mum is, it may be time to consider marriage counselling.
Personally I think its a little unfair that he's dragging you into this, he shouldn't be drawing you into a conflict.
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