A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thank you in advance to all who help out here.My favourite cousin just received a diagnosis of advanced pancreatic cancer.We know it has spread to his other organs and that he will be assessed this week to see what his treatment plan is moving forward.He chatted on the phone with my sister and joked about cremation and such but this has got to be a smokescreen.I love my cousin. He is a great guy and this is so unfair. I am not in the same city but how do I support him in the weeks or months he has ahead?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2021): I'm so sorry to hear about your poor cousin.
Just lost a loved one to cancer recently. My advice is to take care of yourself first and foremost. That's easier said than done, but watching a loved one battle cancer is heartbreaking. Caring people, like you and I, tend to put our own feelings aside and pour all our time in energy into helping our loved one, even if it's just endless hours of research and worrying, and you can't be by their bedside, it's still hugely emotionally taxing.
Make sure you take time out for yourself. Make a plan to get out and about where you can give your mind a breather from this. I didn't. Trust me, you need to.
Call him regularly. Listen, laugh with him, cry with him.. just let him know you're always there whenever he wants to talk. Visit him when you can. All you can do is be a supportive friend. You'll feel helpless but you ARE making a difference in his life.
There will be pain in his future but the drugs take most of that away. Some days he'll feel sad, some will be brighter. Wishing you the best at this time x
Take care.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 July 2021):
 I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. Not sure I can contribute much to this post but didn't want to read and run.
In the UK we have Macmillan Cancer Support, a charity which supports victims of cancer and their families with everything from just listening to practical advice and help understanding treatment and nursing support. Do you have a similar organisatiion in Canada?
Thinking of you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): Your cousin is courageous and has come to terms with his diagnosis. It's not a smokescreen, it's a coping-mechanism making light of the situation; and it's my firsthand experience with my own loved-ones with the disease, that they'll unselfishly comfort those around them.
He wasn't joking entirely about cremation. My late partner of 28 years mentioned the same to me. They try to prepare us emotionally for the worst-case scenario.
Don't show pity, dread, or create unnecessary tension in the room. They just need us to be ourselves, listen if they want to talk, and remain cheerful and optimistic.
If you have faith, prayer is the best thing you could ever offer. Prayer for his wife and kids, if he has a family; ask God to continue giving him strength. Pray that God gives your whole family strength. Pray for his oncologist, and all the medical staff who will be offering their medical expertise. Any form of treatment will be difficult; so if he has any specific requests, try and provide them. If you attend worship; be sure to ask that the leader of your faith and the congregation say a prayer in fellowship for him and his beloved-ones.
Please respect his need for privacy and solitude, if he asks for it. He'll still need company, but there will be times he just wants to be left alone.
This is the most difficult part. There may be people he'll want to call or visit, and some he won't. Stay neutral.
No dreary faces, he's the one with cancer. Mirror whatever mood he's in. If he's solemn or lowkey, be calm, supportive, and reserved. If he's upbeat, then keep his spirits high. It's important that you try to be strong, and accepting of whatever prognosis is found. Maintain your faith, because we never know God's plans. I won't tell you to withhold your tears, my dear. Just make sure when you're in your cousin's presence, you don't lose your composure.
Our combined faith got my family and me through it. Sometimes I had to be stronger for the sake of others. It wasn't about me.
I just wanted to be sure they knew I loved them, that I prayed for them; and I didn't treat them like they were pitiful creatures. I treated them with the love, dignity, and kindness as I've always treated them. It's mostly instinctive. Listen to your heart. That's the conduit through which God speaks. He also speaks through others you'd least expect to be helpful.
May God give you and yours strength. May He spread His comfort and gracious peace throughout your entire family; and place His healing hands on your cousin. Even if you're a nonbeliever, it doesn't hurt to seek all sources of help and comfort in times like these. Peace be with you, my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): Try to accept that your cousin may die and also try to understand that he has little control over the advancement of this illness.As your cousin is cracking jokes about a cremation you should consider that this will be part of his final requests and will not be a smokescreen.Advanced cancer is generally terminal!It can be a burden on the person with the illness if everyone expects them to miraculously recover as they tend to feel as if they have failed their loved ones who can't accept their diagnosis.Remember that he is still the person he was and you could tell him how sorry you are that he has this terminal illness.Your acceptance may be a relief to him.Ask him if he will take pain relief towards the end of his days and if he would prefer to die at home or in a hospice.Most hospices are geared up to patient oriented care with the intention of allowing the patient a higher level of comfort (in terms of pain relief and visitors).It's important that your cousin knows what kind of end of life care he wants.I have heard of relatives refusing the dying person anything stronger than an aspirin and this means the last week's of life are extremely uncomfortable and in my opinion, rather unkind for the dying person!As you are not immediate family you could try sending a sensitive card telling him that you will always be there for him and asking if there's anything he'd like to do such as go for a meal or visit a cinema etc.It's not much fun for the dying person and it can be intermittently boring so try to lighten things up. Send him a music selection to listen to or swap tall stories of madcap adventures if you have any.Don't be too melancholic because you can't expect him to cry goodbye for the next three months for everyone's benefit.Joke, laugh and talk about the afterlife in fleeting moments because people like to feel they have some idea of where they are going.Be careful not to give him an impression that he is about to disintegrate into a black hole. Now is the time to remind him of relatives on the other side already who will probably come to meet him to guide him home.I'm sorry if your religion forbids you to think of life in spirit after death.Your cousin sounds adjusted to the fact of saying goodbye and moving on into spirit.Just keep it all as sane as possible!Be kind to him and be kind to yourself by accepting his diagnosis.You can accompany him for part of his journey if it suits you both.But don't stay in denial especially if everyone else is, as that leaves him with no one to talk to but nurses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): Hi
Just be you and allow him humour, do not be afraid to laugh with him. Ask him if there is any thing he would particularly like to do, that you can make possible. Speak in farewells not goodbyes. As death approaches we all need faith in something else, does he have faith can you pray with him or make him little prayer cards each week for comfort. Smokescreen? humour helps, my friend was a 'Dr Who' fanatic and she got a Tardis coffin and we all wore Dr Who scarves, it's what SHE would have wanted.
Allow him humour and yes, of course feel your sadness but he won't want to see hearts breaking before his passing over- to the other side. Have your own faith that when God calls, he's ready and so are you.
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