A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm being thorough so that I can really just get to the bottom of resolving my stress with good advice.I've been with my current partner for 2 years, married for almost 1 year. His baby mom has caused a lot of drama since day one, though I've only physically met her like 6 months ago one time very briefly while she cussed us out. It was a really weird situation. She called my daughter a bastard and a soon to be slut over texts, and then a week later court gave him visitation rights, he picked his kids up about 3 times and each time said it went well she barely talked to him, but as soon as I road along when she walked to the car she went off on him over like literally not getting out of the car and taking the kid off of her hip. Outside of her drama, we're happy and like best friends. Every single argument we have ever had has been about her. When shes quiet, we're building a beautiful home, we're taking vacations, we're play wrestling and pillow talking etc. When we first got together, I couldn't understand why she was so bitter. I figured it was because he's such an attentive partner she lost that. She had a new boyfriend long before I came into the picture and my partner said she was pretty much ghost and not much around for their kids. As soon as we got together, she took the kids and held them from him saying he had to meet up with her to see them. A few weeks into our relationship he did so without mentioning it to me because he didn't know how I'd take it, having been messaged by her with crazy threats and such and being aware that she was constantly begging for him back. I somehow forgave him for lying about it because I knew he wanted to see his kids he missed so much. I encouraged him to go do a visit at his old apartment with them and he agreed to try to keep the drama minimal with her in the process. It blew up into some crazy situation where she came into his house and made some sort of video I've never seen. All I know is that during that visit, he agreed to let her and her boyfriend take over the lease and within a matter of days he moved out. That's when he moved in with me and we started the court process. It was her that told me about some video she made, he admitted after she told me, but before that insisted it was an uneventful exchange.Fast forward it's been well over a year and a half and she still has foul things to say about me every time she messages him. He never sticks up for me unless it starts to upset me that he doesn't and even then it's minimal. He didn't even stick up for me when his mom I've only met twice was interrogating me over things his babymom has told her about me. They were together for 10 years, so I can see why his family has ties with her, but it has driven a wedge between us and his family because we don't want to spend holidays with her. They say we're both invited but then they invite her, and she would always say I'm not allowed around her kids. She's called the cops on me and everything else though I don't do anything worth a charge. He finally got his parental rights after I helped him through the court process, and they started coming over every other week. During this time, and because I'm already a full time mom to my 11 year old, I maintained my role as the primary cook in the house, and helped occupy the toddler of his two children while he works online because it requires his full concentration. While doing this, he's always getting hateful messages from his babymom calling me and my daughter names etc trying to start drama, threatening to walk through our house or have welfare checks done. and never does he stick up for me because he says the courts are involved. It makes interacting with his kids less than enjoyable. And then the big banger... I had him deposit a few checks of mine over the last 6 months into his online banking account because it was quick and easy. We let the money sit there and spent it as needed. The account history came in the mail and when I looked at it, I noticed it was a joint account him and her created years ago and she had access to it this whole time. And back on the day when she made a video of his place, she withdrew 700 bucks of his money he says he thinks she used to pay rent. He's never confronted her about it that I know of and I don't think I got the full story. He claims one of the reasons he's hesitated to stick up for me is because he has to keep the account open to receive tax credit checks covid has issued, but I still can't wrap my head around him being so nonchalant about all the stuff she has said and done, calling all hours of the night and trying to wreck his life. I just feel he's had enough time to get a new account of his own and she's had access to thousands of dollars of my money this whole time. It's a dumb excuse to say she had access to an account and so he was avoiding upsetting her while she treated me like garbage. I was livid. It got heated to the point I demanded answers. I told him to give me the truth or I'll find it myself, childish I know. His old cell phones in his toolbox had messages from before we got together (his current phone never had messages between them dating before that) and in it I found a conversation they were having for about 6 months straight while she was dating her boyfriend where my partner and her were consistently trying to rekindle. I know it's not right for me to be upset about what happened before we got together, but he lied. He said she was ghost and that they were long over with. But they weren't. He was waiting on her to come back and she was hesitating between him and her other guy. And they were using the kids as an excuse to keep trying to fix things. I noticed how they used the kids as an excuse to her boyfriend to do overnight visits together and talk about their problems behind her boyfriend's back and were coparenting obsessively. As much as it is not his kid's fault, I stopped trying so hard to push him to parent because it just feels like it's screwing me and her boyfriend over in the end. I want what's best for the kids but it's hard to see it as my job to cook and clean for them and care for them while their parent's make it as hard as possible for me, and then he turns around and says he gives up parenting, that he only fought so hard in court because I was pushing him to do so etc. That he doesn't want any ties to her and now I feel stupid for trying to encourage him to go through with it. It's been a month and the kids havent been over. They text him and he doesn't respond. Normally I would be telling him that's not right and he should but instead I don't say anything and he has stopped on his own free will. He says he can't raise them without my help and I say I can't raise them without the respect of their parents. I love kids and want to be good to any kids I'm around but it's hard for me to see them as my stepkids and not just random children that I'm treated poorly over. The kid card has been burnt out so much. I work from the computer, my daughter is in homeschool, and I decided I'm ready to just hit the road. Life here isn't working out.Now he wants to come along and help with the transition etc. But he's done gave up all his friends, family, and now kids over the drama she keeps trying to send his way through every tie she can and I can't help but to blame myself for any thing negative in his life, despite always trying to do things by the book and get him the things he needs. It has always been about everyone but myself because they have kids together. I feel like I'm constantly trying to do what's best for the kids while their own parents can't simply be civil and I give up on it. Is it normal for guys to give up when the other parent is being impossible and refuses to just leave us alone? Would me leaving really just solve all of his problems once he gets over me? I feel like they should be able to balance parenting with having new partners, and I refuse to allow them to use the kid excuse to play me and her boyfriend. But him cutting his kids off like that after I found out so much and then had so many more questions just makes me thing I was on to something bigger and he's avoiding the truth coming out. But at the same time, he works from home and is always with me so he's not physically cheating. But every phone call they have ever had he only answers when he's by himself and that drives me crazy. I just want transparency in my marriage but babymom I guess is suppose to be an exception? At the least I feel as though they at least had some sort of final talk since we got together like "I thought we were working on us" because she did send a text our first week dating saying she'd leave her boyfriend or kill herself etc over him. But my husband doesn't admitt to any talks of that nature and doesn't feel it's important to discuss because it's the past now. I feel emotionally cheated on, or atleast lied to over this chick whos done so much damage to our relationship. How am I suppose to put kids first in this situation without getting screwed over? It's me that's on his case to be a father, while she texts him constantly accusing me of not allowing them to coparent anytime he chooses not to reply. It's like she expects him to still do the stuff he was doing before me now that he has someone and when he don't she blames me, not him because he's never directly said anything along the lines of he doesn't want to. Hes been very PG in his replies to her and its no wonder I get all the blame for him rejecting her. They throw the kids into the the conversation just to say it's about the kids, but it's really just a lot of bickering and control efforts on her part that don't have anything to do with raising the kids. I understand it's noble for him to not engage in arguments with her, but at this point I just want some proof he cares about me and isn't on her level of disloyal. And I can't find it anywhere, just a few lies that make me wonder moreso.
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 "While doing this, he's always getting hateful messages from his babymom calling me and my daughter names etc trying to start drama, threatening to walk through our house or have welfare checks done" That is very concerning, coupled with the fast that she's using YOUR money from THEIR joined account. "it's hard to see it as my job to cook and clean for them and care for them while their parent's make it as hard as possible for me, and then he turns around and says he gives up parenting, that he only fought so hard in court because I was pushing him to do so etc. "It's not your job to take care of his kids, if he doesn't make any effort, he's a shit parent. " It's been a month and the kids havent been over. They text him and he doesn't respond."He sounds like a total douche WHY, why would you want to spend your life with someone who ignore his won fucking kids and who does not stick up to you? unless he were a millionaire and had a 10inches dick I'd be out of that situation with my own kid faster than he could say jack robinson."How am I suppose to put kids first in this situation without getting screwed over? " YOu should put YOUR kid first, and YOUR life. This situation is completely messed up, if they have a toddler together this will go on for at least the next 15 years, are you ready to endure 15 years of this drama?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2021):
 Yikes OP!
What drama!
If I was in your shoes I think I would ask him to move out and then separate. This situation is NOT good for you or your daughter.
She has ALL the power here. When it comes to their kids. I know that sucks but that IS reality.
I kind of dealt with this (not as dramatic though) with my husband's ex-wife when we first got married and ended up living in the same state as her. She demanded visitations be supervised (by her or her parents - who hates hubby), no overnights at our place and I wasn't allowed around the kids. What she really wanted was to "play" family with him every weekend basically. Going to the zoo, the park, the movies, etc., etc. He couldn't just take the kids himself. And unfortunately, we didn't have the money to take her to court. It was awkward. For him and the kids (probably even for her too).
It hurts to be seen as some "persona non grata".
And in your case, that will NEVER change. Because SHE gets something out of the drama and your husband with a complete wuss. She is enjoying the power and control she has over him and the ability to punish YOU and him.
Is this really how you see your life? One long drama-filled soap opera that is no fun and harmful to your child and your own mental health?
I think I would peace out. Even if he is a good guy, he comes with WAY too much baggage. He doesn't even stand up for you.
At the end of the day, your daughter (and you) deserves better. Sorry.
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