A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can’t stop dwelling on how lonely and miserable my teenage years were and how much I feel like I’ve missed out on in life. Every time my wife talks about her life and what she’s done I just feel so depressed, jealous and envious. The thing is though I’m almost 33 so I don’t see why I can’t just get over it and move on. I have a good life now and lots to look forward to in the future. I keep screaming at myself to just grow up but I can’t.My problems stemmed from the fact that I have mild Asperger’s. I’d always been shy, introverted and different from most others. As such I really struggled fitting in at school and college. I did have a few friends growing up but from about the age of 14 as puberty set in, my socially awkward nature just got worse and worse. I will readily admit I drifted apart from the few friends I had and turned into a loner. The high school leaving assembly was a particularly painful experience because it made me realise just how alone I actually was and how I would be going into college completely friendless. I tried to stay positive and believe that I’d make new friends in college but it was a complete disaster. I just didn’t fit in at all. It was honestly one the worst periods of my life. I made NO new friends and hated the course I was on. I was just such an awkward person to be around as well. I could tell how uncomfortable I made my classmates feel in my presence and still cringe when I remember painful conversations I’d mumble and stutter my way through with them that either made no sense or just made me seem like such a weirdo.All I wanted was some friends I could hang out and have fun with. All I wanted was a girlfriend and to lose my virginity. I definitely felt ready to start a sexual relationship but my social skills were so unbelievably poor I had absolutely no chance of getting anywhere near a girl. Instead I spent the majority of my time in my room like a hermit playing video games because I simply had nothing better to do. Sure I did well at college and managed to get a place at University but it honestly didn’t make me feel any better. I can remember at the time happily willing to trade it all in for a life of stacking shelves at Tesco if it meant I could have friends and a girlfriend and be happy. I then took a gap year off and had a couple of jobs to make some extra money before university. Again it was pretty lonely and when I wasn’t working I was sat at home on my own. Only now I was 18 and old enough to go to the pub or nightclubbing, which just felt humiliating. Honestly the worst part of it all was the fact that although I was an adult I didn’t feel like one. It’s a far cry from my wife.She was literally always out with her friends doing stuff together when she was 15, 16 and it really gets to me. Stuff like going out for meals, to the cinema, to theme parks etc. She said they regularly sat in parks on nice days drinking and getting stoned. But she wasn’t a proper stoner or an alcoholic, she just did it for fun and never got addicted to it or anything. Again it’s something I’d loved to have done things like that with friends just for recreation. Immature? Yes. But can I help it? No.She also lost her virginity when she was only 15. I’m sure the majority of people would say that’s absolutely nothing to be proud of but I am still so jealous it’s unreal. She said she had a few casual relationships (or to be blunt F*** buddies) when she was 16 before getting a proper boyfriend when she was 17. Again it makes me green with envy. I just wish I could’ve had some fun sleeping around and having casual relationships when I was that age. She was constantly staying over at her ex-boyfriend’s house and vice versa when they were together. Again I can remember lying in bed for many nights at that age just wishing I had a girlfriend to cuddle up to. The biggest contrast and the one thing that summed it all up for me was the summer of 2005. She was only 17 but going on holiday to Ibiza with her friends getting up to all sorts, drinking, clubbing and having the most amazing time whilst I was spending the majority of my time at home watching boxsets with my Mum. I really I would’ve absolutely loved to have gone on a lad’s holiday to somewhere like Ibiza but it never happened. You needed to have friends for one thing.Really university is where my life began. I had two really fun-filled years. I actually did make some friends and it’s where I met my wife. It was two months before my 20th birthday when I FINALLY lost my virginity to her. She’s the one and only girl I’ve ever had sex with. I also got to finally experience things like clubbing, getting drunk and smoking weed. But it just went by so quickly. It was almost like blink and you’ll miss it. Before I knew it I was in my 3rd and final year which was when my wife (girlfriend at the time) discovered she was pregnant with our son. I didn’t feel ready at all to be a Dad but knew I had to step up to my responsibilities. As such I couldn’t really go out clubbing or partying anymore as all my money had to go on a flat deposit and stuff for the baby, so it wasn’t anywhere near as fun. But I’d made my bed and had to sit in it. I have no regrets about it either and love my son and daughter (Born 4 years later) to death. As much as I just manned up and dealt with becoming a Dad at 22 I always had this feeling that my youth will always be unfulfilled. It’s something I’ve never been able to really shake off either. My wife was definitely not feeling the same though and was able to adapt better to the whole situation than I ever was. And that’s because she’d had her fix of clubbing, partying, getting stoned and being promiscuous. She was ready to grow up. I guess I’ve just never been able to deep down. When I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 31 it did answer a lot of questions as to WHY I was so alone and struggled socially, but it still didn’t make me feel any better about it. It was a perfect explanation in black and white that makes the whole thing understandable, especially when I had absolutely no idea as a teenager that I had Asperger’s. If anything I should feel proud about how far I’ve gotten with no support as an Asperger’s sufferer, but I don’t. I feel like a loser most days.What’s probably going to make the least sense is the fact that I wished I’d slept with more people BEFORE I met my wife. Don’t get me wrong I’m not even contemplating cheating on her now. I love her to death and could never imagine doing anything like that to her. I should just appreciate the fact that I have her and thank my lucky stars I’ve been able to actually find someone who loves me despite all my social flaws and Asperger’s. I’ve seen many, MANY posts on forums coming from people with Asperger’s/Autism who are in their 40s, still virgins and never even had a date with anyone. I don’t get why I can’t just appreciate what I’ve got and bury these feelings of jealousy and envy over my teenage years. I still find myself lying awake at night thinking about it regularly. But why do I feel so depressed that I missed out? Almost embarrassed by it? A few weeks ago my wife had a few of her friends round and they began reminiscing about their teenage years and all the stories and experiences they had and I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up because all I could think of was ‘Oh they were doing that at this age with their friends and what was I doing? Sat at home on my own like a loser doing nothing’. I always bottle up these feelings because in no way do I ever want my wife to feel bad about talking about the fun times she had when she was younger, not that she ever even mentions any of them really! Once or twice a year at most. In fact she’s only spoken once about losing her virginity at 15 and rarely ever talks about her exes, yet I think about it all the time. Again not because I didn’t like the idea of her being with anyone else, just pure jealousy that I didn’t have a girlfriend or casual partner at that age. It wouldn’t be right for her to ever feel guilty about talking about any of it because of my stupid, immature feelings of jealousy and envy. I just wish I could find a way to move on and get over it. My life right now is really busy, exciting and fulfilling so I don’t get why it isn’t enough for me? What do I do?
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alcoholic, clubbing, depressed, drunk, her ex, immature, jealous, lost my virginity, money, move on, on holiday, period, shy, swallow, university, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 July 2021):
 I am amazed how far you came before getting an Asperger's diagnosis. These days you would be diagnosed a lot sooner and be able to get assistance.
I can't give you any answers to the numerous questions you ask. However, I do notice how eloquently you write. Your post was intriguing and gripping. Have you considered writing a book about your life to date? You can't change what has happened but you can make the most of the wonderful life you have now. Putting all the memories and feelings into writing may help you come to grips with your earlier life and make you realise how far you have come. There are many publishers these days who are keen to publish books such as yours would be. Give it some thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): I did not fit in at school or college either. I would wish to have at least a friend to sit with at lunch or walk home together. I hung out to that trauma of isolation so limb that after an academically successful college and grad school experiences, I had all this time and money. I also learned to spruce myself up and was very fit. I completely regret pursuing to make up for lost time. I partied and made a ton of new fun friends. Long story short, the fun nights became a nightmare. I became an addict and almost lost everything.
Stability is nothing to be ashamed of! Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
Also I had to relinquish custody of my child before a forced removal occurred. I’m not saying this will be your fate. That was my personal weakness. My ex husband who i met socially in high school said, you always just wanted to fit in but it’s not as important as you think. He was right and it cost me dearly. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe had I fit in, I would have become an addict sooner and never finish college. Once I was sober, it only took a year to recover financially.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): I did not fit in at school or college either. I would wish to have at least a friend to sit with at lunch or walk home together. I hung out to that trauma of isolation so limb that after an academically successful college and grad school experiences, I had all this time and money. I also learned to spruce myself up and was very fit. I completely regret pursuing to make up for lost time. I partied and made a ton of new fun friends. Long story short, the fun nights became a nightmare. I became an addict and almost lost everything.
Stability is nothing to be ashamed of! Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
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