New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login245057 questions, 1084625 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My cousin talked me into having sex with her when we were just 12 and 13 and now I feel uncomfortable having her stay over at my place

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Forbidden love, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 April 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 11 April 2018)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

When I was 12 years old male, my 13 years old female cousin talked me into having sex with her. Over the next two years, we had sex on several occasions (maybe once every 3 months). We stopped having sex when she was about 15 years old and when I was about 14 years old.

I am now 33 years old. I moved to New Orleans and she wants to come visit me and to see New Orleans. I don't mind if she comes visit me, but because of our history, I do not want her to stay in my house. My parents asked me if she could stay at my house and I told them "no" which made them angry.

Am I doing the right thing by refusing to let her stay at my house? I know I could have said no and not let her talk me into it, but I still feel uncomfortable with her staying in my house.

View related questions: cousin

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018):

Your a grown man .. do you feel she manipulated the situation and abused you when younger ? The reason I think your parents are annoyed as they won't want a female relative staying somewhere like a hotel when she can be with family secure and safe .. maybe this would be a good chance to confront what occurred. Or a chance to show her she your cousin so their are boundaries

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou have a lot of unresolved issues here and I think you need to talk to a professional. You where both very young but I have a feeling you feel you where taken advantage off. You need help to over come these issues. It seems to still be effecting you in your adult life.

You where both under age and both very young to be having sex. Why did you both stop? What put an end to it?

I agree that she should not stay in your house. It might be good that you both catch up and talk about the past, it might actually help you in the long run. Am sure she can find her own accomodation.

Maybe your parents don't understand because they don't know the history, but you are an adult and it is your choice to say no.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (10 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntIf you don't want her at your house then don't have her stay at your house. After all, it's your home and I don't think that you should let your parents guilt trip you into letting her stay there.

Obviously it's making you uncomfortable because it's something that still provokes a response within you, for that; I suggest that you work through it with a professional as previously mentioned by Honeypie. Just to understand it and also to realize that you two are different people now. I get that it's an issue because the two of you learned things together and it's kind of awkward now, especially since it was so close to home but you need to figure this thing out on a deeper level. Figure out why it still bothers you so much to this day. Is it painful to remember? do you feel regret? Shame? Anger? Resentment? Or would you just rather forget about that time altogether? Figure it out if you can.

Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (10 April 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWhether you've spoken since or not, it's wise to have her stay anywhere but your house. Don't back down. Stick to it.

Also, it would be useful for you to get therapy because the sex has messed you up - not an unlikely result of sex with a family member.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018):

Sounds like she has ulterior motives. Stand firm in your convictions. It's your life, your choices. You don't have to explain them or justify them to anyone. Tell your parents you both had a falling out that changed your relationship and won't be discussing it any further. Your parents will let it go eventually.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (10 April 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntJust a few questions here. Why did the sex stop when it did? Did you ask for it to stop or did she? What is the nature of your relationship like with her now? Do you talk? How have you managed to avoid her for almost 15 years? You said she wants to come visit you. Given your history how did she not run this by you first? Have you not told her that you don't want her staying with you? Are you married/in a relationship?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (10 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou don't HAVE to let her stay at your house. Nothing wrong with saying no to her on that account.

Why would your parent be ANGRY at you for not wanting her to stay at your house? It's YOUR house! You have every right to not only feel SAFE in your own house but to feel comfortable and be the one to CHOOSE who gets to stay overnight and who don't.

It's not like you can't show her the sights etc. with her staying at a hotel/motel/B&B.

I also think you should talk to someone, therapist or the likes about what happened. Since it still bothers you. I think KIDS in their pre-teens and teens are always curious about sex and many experiment. I don't know how common it is for cousins to do so. It's been over 15 years and you seem to need to work through this, so DO consider finding a therapist.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018):

Have you and cousin spoken after you stopped having sex? That is, have you at all followed the kind of people you have become since your shared childhoods? If not, then it might be good to go into the meeting with an open mind and see what kind of 34-year old your cousin has become. If, upon seeing her, all your discomfort and alarm doesn't go away, then you know your answer: reduce your meetings to brief public encounters and no more. On the other hand, it is quite possible that in your 30s, you are BOTH nurturing similar anxieties re. your past, and she is as nervous as you are. At that young age, it is normal -- perhaps not desirable but normal -- for close cousins to end up experimenting sexually. Take the long perspective of it, and look over it. In time, if you and cousin end up liking the adults you have become, perhaps a candid conversation over pizza might help you both to come to terms with your childhood decisions. Bonne chance!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My cousin talked me into having sex with her when we were just 12 and 13 and now I feel uncomfortable having her stay over at my place"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.125016699999833!