A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was 12 years old male, my 13 years old female cousin talked me into having sex with her. Over the next two years, we had sex on several occasions (maybe once every 3 months). We stopped having sex when she was about 15 years old and when I was about 14 years old. I am now 33 years old. I moved to New Orleans and she wants to come visit me and to see New Orleans. I don't mind if she comes visit me, but because of our history, I do not want her to stay in my house. My parents asked me if she could stay at my house and I told them "no" which made them angry. Am I doing the right thing by refusing to let her stay at my house? I know I could have said no and not let her talk me into it, but I still feel uncomfortable with her staying in my house.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): Your a grown man .. do you feel she manipulated the situation and abused you when younger ? The reason I think your parents are annoyed as they won't want a female relative staying somewhere like a hotel when she can be with family secure and safe .. maybe this would be a good chance to confront what occurred. Or a chance to show her she your cousin so their are boundaries
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 You have a lot of unresolved issues here and I think you need to talk to a professional. You where both very young but I have a feeling you feel you where taken advantage off. You need help to over come these issues. It seems to still be effecting you in your adult life.
You where both under age and both very young to be having sex. Why did you both stop? What put an end to it?
I agree that she should not stay in your house. It might be good that you both catch up and talk about the past, it might actually help you in the long run. Am sure she can find her own accomodation.
Maybe your parents don't understand because they don't know the history, but you are an adult and it is your choice to say no.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 If you don't want her at your house then don't have her stay at your house. After all, it's your home and I don't think that you should let your parents guilt trip you into letting her stay there.
Obviously it's making you uncomfortable because it's something that still provokes a response within you, for that; I suggest that you work through it with a professional as previously mentioned by Honeypie. Just to understand it and also to realize that you two are different people now. I get that it's an issue because the two of you learned things together and it's kind of awkward now, especially since it was so close to home but you need to figure this thing out on a deeper level. Figure out why it still bothers you so much to this day. Is it painful to remember? do you feel regret? Shame? Anger? Resentment? Or would you just rather forget about that time altogether? Figure it out if you can.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 Whether you've spoken since or not, it's wise to have her stay anywhere but your house. Don't back down. Stick to it.
Also, it would be useful for you to get therapy because the sex has messed you up - not an unlikely result of sex with a family member.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Sounds like she has ulterior motives. Stand firm in your convictions. It's your life, your choices. You don't have to explain them or justify them to anyone. Tell your parents you both had a falling out that changed your relationship and won't be discussing it any further. Your parents will let it go eventually.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 Just a few questions here. Why did the sex stop when it did? Did you ask for it to stop or did she? What is the nature of your relationship like with her now? Do you talk? How have you managed to avoid her for almost 15 years? You said she wants to come visit you. Given your history how did she not run this by you first? Have you not told her that you don't want her staying with you? Are you married/in a relationship?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2018):
 You don't HAVE to let her stay at your house. Nothing wrong with saying no to her on that account.
Why would your parent be ANGRY at you for not wanting her to stay at your house? It's YOUR house! You have every right to not only feel SAFE in your own house but to feel comfortable and be the one to CHOOSE who gets to stay overnight and who don't.
It's not like you can't show her the sights etc. with her staying at a hotel/motel/B&B.
I also think you should talk to someone, therapist or the likes about what happened. Since it still bothers you. I think KIDS in their pre-teens and teens are always curious about sex and many experiment. I don't know how common it is for cousins to do so. It's been over 15 years and you seem to need to work through this, so DO consider finding a therapist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Have you and cousin spoken after you stopped having sex? That is, have you at all followed the kind of people you have become since your shared childhoods? If not, then it might be good to go into the meeting with an open mind and see what kind of 34-year old your cousin has become. If, upon seeing her, all your discomfort and alarm doesn't go away, then you know your answer: reduce your meetings to brief public encounters and no more. On the other hand, it is quite possible that in your 30s, you are BOTH nurturing similar anxieties re. your past, and she is as nervous as you are. At that young age, it is normal -- perhaps not desirable but normal -- for close cousins to end up experimenting sexually. Take the long perspective of it, and look over it. In time, if you and cousin end up liking the adults you have become, perhaps a candid conversation over pizza might help you both to come to terms with your childhood decisions. Bonne chance!
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