A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m currently battling depression. My husband recently lied to me. He told me had to step away to make a phone call to his buddy. I had a feeling something was off because he would never step away. I later find out he called a female coworker and they chatted for a few minutes. He wanted to follow up with her and ask how an interview went. I asked him why he lied and he said he knows I’m dealing with stuff so wanted to spare my feelings. He thinks I get so jealous when he talks to girls. I have told him plenty times he is allowed to have female friends, but my only rule is to check himself because he tends to be over friendly, which appears as if he is flirting. We have had problems with this so I think he feels now I hate him talking to girls. I don’t know if he meant well with not telling me or if I should be concerned? I am really down right now so I can see him trying to spare my feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018): OP, you need to make sure your husband is not just paying you lip service because you came very close to the truth!
He needs to put his words into actions.
How do you know if he is going to stop speaking to this woman altogether?
Because he says so?
She works with him. At the same company.
He is going to see her all the time.
My question to you is how are you going to make sure he is keeping his word to you by never talking to her again?
How will you know he is staying away from her?
I think the first big step you should take is asking him to leave his job and working somewhere else. He needs to remove himself completely from the situation.
It is very important that there is total separation between him and this woman. Sometimes we need to go to extremes to safe guard our marriages.
Otherwise, sweetie, you are going to live in doubt every day wondering what he is up to at work. Questioning his every move, every word. Analyzing his actions. If he stays at work late, you will wonder if it's because he was talking to her, going to meet her somewhere. Your imagination and paranoia are going to drive you crazy. Do you really need this sort of emotional instability on top of your depression? How much can you handle?
Will you TRULY believe your husband that he will never talk to her again?
You already DON'T trust him.
He has already proven that he is NOT trustworthy.
Do you think you are just going to magically trust him now and everything will be fine again? I know that is what you wish deep down. That everything is like it used to be. It is the easiest thing to convince yourself of that so that you can have peace of mind and not have to deal with this horrible reality. Nobody wants to accept that their husband is being lured away by another women. So, many wives convince themselves their hubby will never do it again, that he will change, that he never strayed in the first place. It's called burying your head in the sand. Are you going to do that to yourself?
How do you know the co-worker is not going to step it up, get upset he is ignoring her? How do you know she will not pursue him harder, and continue going at him until he caves in? Women who want a man can be very aggressive. And most men, if you catch them at a weak moment, will cave in. Especially if there is an attraction.
I know.
I am the mistress who has answered your post.
Here I am again, because I know men like your husband. I know you should never trust them. I know they are very capable of hurting you. I also know that the bogus excuse of buying her expensive shoes to reach "platinum status" is a huge insult to your intelligence. That is total bull shit, OP. If he wanted to reach platinum status, why didn't he spend the money on YOU, his WIFE? Or even himself? WHY HER? A virtual stranger? Or so you thought... There is something very wrong with his explanation. He is sugar coating it and spinning it in his favour. Can you not see through that?
You have to watch your own back and take care of yourself. At the end of the day, nobody else will. Hubby included. Men can be so stupid when they think with their little heads. Oblivious to all else. Until they are caught.
Then they will cry and say they didn't mean it. That the other woman meant nothing. She meant enough for them to risk their entire marriage. It's only because they got caught and don't want to lose the comfort and security of the lives they built that they pull out the remorse card.
Your husband is a good actor and a good talker. Quite the charmer I surmise... Yup, all cheaters usually are.
I advise you to tread very carefully from now on.
You need to keep things real.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 April 2018):
 He could have bought YOU something from that store to reach platinum status...
I mean let's be realistic here. that was a bogus excuse that he had to buy HER shoes to get to platinum level...
I would also have a chat with him (if I were you) about HIM not making promises he can't keep. Either he REALLY cuts all contact with her... or he stop telling you he will. If you know what I mean. It's the lying that makes things harder (for you which means for him too).
Do you have other family that can come help you out? If you are home all day with a couple of kids and he works and THEN comes home to "relieve" you from the chores - it might feel like a bit much for him. So if you could have someone else come in and help out a few hours each day or here and there during the week.
Get outside EACH day. Take the kiddos for a walk. (And yourself) Make sure you have your vitamin level and hormone levels checked. Getting outside gives you a little breather from the house. If you get help during the day, run to the store BY yourself, run little errands.
Do you have hobbies you put aside for the kids? If you did, maybe take a look at the hobbies and see if you can fit in some time for those as well.
And IF you do not get enough sleep NAP when the kids are napping. I know it's tempting to clean while they are down for a nap.. but that CAN wait. If you can get them on a schedule where they nap at the same time (at least one or two naps - depending on their age..) If they are both down... TAKE a nap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): OP here with an update:
First, thank you everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it. It just sucks that this has to happen when I am down. What sucks more is that I have mentioned things like hey let’s connect more, we seem to be distant and he always made it appear as if I was crazy or everything was fine. Like I mentioned earlier, we still have good sex so I was like yeah he is right, we are just busy with the kids. He has been having a hard time seeing me like this, and I’m sure I’m not fun to be around. He does help around the house more and takes on the kids so for that I’m thankful. Just hurts that he still took the time and effort to go buy this girl shoes and came home late because of it, knowing that I can’t be alone with the kids. He cooked me dinner that same night and it was a recipe she gave him. That same night as well, I bought him a gift to show my appreciation and he did act a bit weird saying things like no, too much money, you don’t have to do this. But maybe that was his guilt. And he finally told me that he called her that one time because she just got this gig so he wanted to congratulate her. The betrayal is real. She is on a high right now having all these great things happening and he is making sure he is supporting her and I guess I’m just at my lowest, yet he doesn’t cheer me on. That’s what hurts the most.
We are going to do therapy. He just tells me it means nothing and he will never talk to her again. He did admit the shoes were a bad idea and he is happy he didn’t end up giving them to her. He said he only bought the shoes because he needed to spend a certain amount so his store account can reach a platinum status.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2018):
EH!! EDIT
I wrote:
He should SHARE your MEDICAL issues with coworkers as it is.
it should have read (of course)
He shouldn't SHARE your MEDICAL issues with coworkers as it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2018):
Unless it was noisy where you two where or the reception was poor, and THAT was the reason he had step away for a phone call. It would make me go hmmm that's odd...
Buying a FEMALE coworker a pair of $200 shoes is NOT OK. Buying her a $200 gift is NOT OK. And he knows it, THAT is why he hid it. To buy someone shoes, he had to know her shoe size, he has to know her taste and style. Which means he HAS to know her fairly well. He has to have STUDIED her fashion sense or SHE had shown him the shoes and told him she likes THOSE shoes. (He'd still have to get her shoe size though...) and that ALL seems a BIT over the top to do for a coworker IMHO.
No wonder you two have issues when he is doing SHADY SHIT behind your back.
And LETS get to the REASON he bought those shoes... it;s because SHE helped him dealing with YOUR post partum depression. And how exactly did she do that? BULLSHIT. If he wasn't sure HOW to support you, what HE can do to help it along HE should have contacted your family doctor and asked for advice or perhaps a referral to a support group or forum. NOT ask another woman to join in his PRIVATE family issues. He should SHARE your MEDICAL issues with coworkers as it is. If he needed time off to help you, only his BOSS needs to know. It's NONE of her goddarn business that you suffer from post partum depression -if she TRULY wanted to help (maybe if she had gone through hit herself) he should have suggest YOU and HER talk.
So many red flags here and it's NOT like you don't have enough crap on your plate!!
For now though, OP FOCUS on you. On working though the post partum depression and getting back to YOU.
Are you getting help? Extra support from family and friends with the little one? Are you getting enough sleep? Exercise? Eating GOOD food? Are you seeing your doctor or a therapist?
Many hugs your way, OP
I've been there done that. (post partum depression) And I can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but don't repeat MY "route" (which included ignoring it for a long while) - make sure you GET help, ASK for help and ACCEPT help. For me, getting ENOUGH sleep and exercise made ALL the difference.
Chin up !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): After reading your update, I'm very concerned that there is more of a connection with this co-worker than he is revealing. The taking of the phone call - I'd give him a pass. But an expensive gift for a female co-worker, without discussing with you first? Nope.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (11 April 2018):
Unfortunately no man buys a woman £200 shoes unless he's is intimately involved with her.
His excuse for buying them is lame. He should've bought them for you to lift your mood.
I'd confront him and if he denies it then leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): OP, Mistress here, after your follow up, I am 99 percent sure he is cheating on you. I am well qualified to give you this advice. Just let him think you are fine now and lay back, ease off him and you will get your proof. I'd follow him. There's no way he will ever admit it. It's progressed further than I thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): It is true a husband can lie to protect his wife's feelings, like when she asks "honey, does my ass look fat in this dress?" "No," he says, "sweetie, your ass looks great!" White lie. This is okay. Of course we may prefer complete honesty even in this respect but in this example, he is trying to be kind so the lie is not malicious or deceitful. It comes from an innocent place.Now, if we are analyzing the lie you think he just told and he is in fact attracted to another woman at his workplace, then this is a whole other story.I am not sure about blind faith or trust. I think you always have to keep an eye open. Especially if the state of your marriage is currently not happy or satisfactory to either or both of you. Once a marriage has holes in it, it starts to crumble under the pressure - likely your depression has caused you to emotionally withdraw from him, it cannot be helped as you have no control over this. So, the fall out of this is a woman who is brand new is starting to pay attention to him. She will be filling in the holes that are currently pulling down your marriage. She will have the role of soothing him and his ego back to health. He may feel you are not paying attention and she is. Men have a need to feel wanted and needed. They are not a rock with no emotions. They have the same needs as we women do. It's just that oftentimes they are not as communicative about those needs and tend to suffer in silence, thinking he should just man up and not complain. But under the surface, he wants to be appreciated. He wants somebody to pay attention. He wants somebody to look at him with eyes that dance. That is where the wife comes in. But in reality, wives cannot always do this. Marriage becomes hard work and things fall to the way side. In walks another woman and sweeps your husband off his feet. How easy it is for her. She has no history with him. And likely no future either.I am not saying this is the case. What I am saying is this is a possibility. And you need to nip it in the bud. As I believe that if something is indeed shifting in your marriage and he is moving towards an affair, you need to stop it now. You need to have a hard core conversation with your husband, no holds barred. No tip toeing around each other. It is time. Do not wait until it is too late.When a man lies, it is not a good sign in general. But when it is regards another female, it is definitely not a good sign. You ask yourself WHY he needed to lie to you. WHAT is he trying to hide or cover up? We women have a gut instinct for a reason. We pick up on everything. So, always trust your gut feeling. It is there for a reason. I am not saying accuse him and convict him of cheating on you, even if it's emotional, but just keep your eye on things.What I don't understand is why he had to make a phone call to this woman while he was on the phone with you? What was so urgent? Why did he have to interrupt your phone call with him to ask her how an interview went? Why would he even care? This is what I would find suspicious behaviour. You know him best. If he would never do that before, then WHY NOW? Keep an eye out if new behaviours surface which fall outside his usual pattern of behaviour. But also you need to see if the behaviours continue and are becoming consistent. Any changes in behaviour are worth watching.I think that if he is being enticed by another woman, just know that it is because he feels unhappy about his relationship with you in some way. I am NOT blaming you sweetie. It is NOT your fault. We cannot control depression. I understand. I have dealt with depression myself. It is a tough way to live. Most days you are trying to keep yourself afloat without needing to worry about anyone else. But you have a marriage to look after and a husband, as well as yourself. You need to perhaps come to the realization that you cannot suffer alone. You cannot turn inward and lose sight of your husband and his needs. I hope you can see that. Maybe you needed somebody outside your situation to tell you the way it is. Or the way it could be. None of us has a crystal ball.Just saying that we need to be aware. Make sure you take care of you. Get all the help and support you need. Is he a supportive husband? Have you been drifting apart due to your depression? Can you tell us about your relationship in general? Are there any other signs he might display that are worrying you lately? Do you feel like you are both happy together?Don't create an opening for another woman. I can tell you that as a mistress, I know that my married lover came to me because his wife did not take care of his emotional and physical needs. They drifted apart. It's wrong of me and I know that I am a bad person for doing this. And I know it sounds crazy but if wives can act more like mistresses, things might be better overall for married couples. We tend to stop doing what we did in the beginning when things were new and exciting. And this is the problem. This creates an in for another person to bring fantasy and excitement to a relationship, that although stable enough to continue, has become boring, hard, or unfulfilling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Original poster here with an update
We talked about the phone call and I accepted that he was trying to spare my feelings. Thanked him and told him I would rather know the truth. I want him to have friends but just be open with me. We agreed to that. We still have great sex but we are a bit disconnected emotionally.
Next day: I find a pair of shoes in the trunk of our car that’s my size. For a second I thought they were for me but when I asked, I knew it in his face they were for that girl he called. I guess it’s her birthday and he spent 200 on a pair of shoes for her. He said he did it for her birthday and to show appreciation because she has been helping him cope with my post partum depression. I feel so betrayed cause he lied to me again about why he was gone late after we just had this discussion.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Kate +, writes (10 April 2018):
 If he won't talk to females in front of you to try and spare your feelings then it's obviously NOT working because you are already upset. Basically he's damned if he does or damned if he don't.
If he is 'over friendly' with women and it is a problem in your relationship, then it is him who should be controlling himself and NOT you reminding or telling him to 'check' himself. You are not his Mother!
I understand you are depressed and it makes you sensitive to changes or situations, it can be hard to handle such immature behaviour from your other half but he alone needs to examine why he's so over friendly towards woman. Perhaps he has a flirty nature or low self esteem and needs the ego boost? Maybe he feels under valued or he's just beguiled by the outside attention?
The point is, you have chosen to be married to him. Look at your marriage as a whole, weigh it up...is it worth saving? If it is then it has to be both of you who save it and work out a compromise on both your flaws.
I'd seriously consider going for some family counselling so you can get an objective view, because your husband may be naive but innocent of any wrong doing. It could just be blown out of all proportion and your depressive state is making it more than it is...or he could be fooling you. You need to get to the heart of things and try to see what the reality of the situation is.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): What is your relationship like right now? Are you having sex? Are you intimate with him? Or have you withdrawn due to your depression? Are you on meds that lower your sex drive? If hubby feels neglected by you or the intimacy is missing, this could be the beginning of an affair as this woman might be paying attention to him
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