A
male
age
26-29,
*ngelwhat
writes:I feel like girls don't like me, because I'm a nice guy. Lately I've thought about it, and some people have told me that I'm way too nice. I'm the romantic type that thinks out dates, and plans cute stuff for anniversaries, and basically does super sweet things. Some girls have told me I was the nicest guy they've ever dated, but I'm starting to wonder if that was a good thing. I've tried to be the 'bad boy' type that's supposedly what girls like more, but I couldn't keep it going. I ended up ruining my chances to date too, because word got around that I was this 'no good' kid that only wants sex, etc. Which I'm not! Sex is really the last thing on my mind, and I don't want to toot my own horn, but I've noticed that's really hard to find in a guy these days. I'm not ugly, and I do kind of have talents and stuff. (I sing, and play guitar etc.) My confidence has dropped sharply after constantly being rejected. What's wrong with me? What should I do?
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (9 May 2013):
You're suffering from rejection sensitivity which is a psychologist's term. I'm training to be one so can explain abit more. After we've been rejected many times, we become sensitive and even the slightest rejection or perceived rejection, will upset us. People suffering rejection sensitivity even become aggressive and live out self fulfilling prophesies e.g I'll never get a girlfriend and then...they never get a girlfriend. What you have to understand is rejection is a part of life. It's unpleasant but happens and we cannot control it. How you deal with it is important. You sound like a nice decent guy and that's rare quality these days. Never change who you are. Being you is what makes you special and will attract the right girl. Sadly, I can't make that happen. But learning how to deal with rejection well and loving yourself more, are good places to start.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): Stay true to yourself. You already know that molding yourself to be someone you are not doesn't get you anywhere. You are so young. Your life and happiness does not depend on whether or not you are dating someone. Yes it sucks to be rejected all the time. Its totally understandable that you would start questioning yourself. At times, it might even feel quite lonely. But that's okay. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not unlikeable. Take this time to focus on building yourself. Think about what you want in the future and for a career. Go out, stay active, enjoy your hobbies, meet friends. Enjoy life and accept yourself. Once you get that confidence back, you will find someone who likes you for who you are. That will take time so take things slow when opportunity arises again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): Hey, seriously don't ever change who you are for anyone! I too can't understand whats wrong with the world, why do girls like badboys.. teenage excitement maybe? But thats all.I say this because the only guy I ever loved was the nicest guy you will ever meet, didn't care about sex, was pleasent, respectable, fun, loving. But, he too got dumped by every girl he was with and didn;t have much confidence, and hes now one of the worst people I know. And trust me its heartbreaking.One day someone will come along who respects you for you, maybe its the type of girls you go for? I can't say as I don't know you, but I noticed that with him. Even so the right one will come along, but don't ruin that chance by building up a bad reputation.Stay true to who you are and don't let anyone pressure you. Believe me theres girls out there that would do anything for a guy like you!
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A
female
reader, jenn_jenn +, writes (8 May 2013):
One day you will meet a girl who appreciates your efforts. I for one love the romantic type. Don't know what's wrong with the world these days, but don't give up and try not to be so down about it. You're so young. Plenty of time to find someone who will appreciate you and your gestures.
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A
male
reader, DanielBeinvinda22 +, writes (8 May 2013):
be single it's fun!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Hey my friend I can truly relate to your frustration in dating and in relating to women. It seems that every where you turn you are being bombarded by sex in radio and paper ads. The music industry to present is pushing so much sex that it is really stupid. So what I mean by this you can be trapped into thinking that sex is the be all and end all but it also demonizes women as sex starved sluts out for only one thing no matter how and where they can get it. I believe that this is where men start thinking what the hell here. I just read the lifestyle advice column which says that men have to be or act a certain way in order to attract a women. Then they are telling you to get your penis enlarged because that what women want and if you cant perform a dance and do good in the bedroom your a wimp or softy. So my friend you know your not a wimp but you know you cant put up the tough act because it has the opposite effect of being a wimpy man. Simply you have to up your game. How? Look at where you hang out and socially interact with your friends and the public in general. Go to one of these places incognito one night and sit back in the corner out of site and observe. What are you seeing happening? Is it what you thought what dating and women are all about? Have you observed women doing or saying things what you perceived them to be doing? How and what are the men in groups or singles reacting and interacting with the opposite sex? Have you learned anything? Did what you see confirm some of the suspicions you have about yourself? Or did you truly learn something new? There is nothing wrong with being romantic and sweet to a woman in the right dose and in the right time. Just maybe you have to build more of your self confidence. How you say? There are many ways. First why not join a boxing club or fight club. No there not just going to put you in the ring and beat the shit out of you. There is special training involved in this programme it is great and I did it for about a year. It really does help raise your confidence. Membership is cheap and they really help build you up physically and mentally. If a female trainer is available you might ask her to give you some one on one coaching. I found that they are in most cases a little more sensitive than the men and are better motivators. And I think in your case this kind of interaction would do you. They will of course get to the why did you want to do this? Be honest without spilling the beans. Say I realized I had to improve my self image and self esteem. I believe they will know where your coming from. Once you have done this for awhile you can use these new experiences when talking with potential dates with life partner possibilities. Here is where you can be a little nice. The moment you start talking that you are into boxing but don't have cauliflower ears and swollen nose you will project a image that's for sure different. A man that in all accounts should be the bad boy but by his own words isn't that at all. try it my friend you have nothing to lose. And please no heavy petting or sex on the first date. Remember you can build your image but you can destroy it in a instant with bad words or gestures. Good-luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 May 2013):
Just relax, Jesus, at your age you shouldn't be worrying about this.
Most women will only date nice guys, so get that out of your head right now. The thing is, they don't like guys that are too nice. Be firm, make your own decisions (don't always ask what she wants), etc.
Just remember that women like nice guys but they want a man. So, behave like a confident man.
You also may want alter the way you ask girls out. It may be turning them off right away.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 May 2013):
 The "Nice Guy" fallacy.Women love nice guys. We love men that open doors, speak politely to wait staff and tip well, are kind to animals and children, and generally have their shit together.Women do not love a^^^oles. We do not love being cheated on, used, treated like crap, abused or neglected. Women like men that are genuinely nice. However, many self-professed "Nice Guys" are being nice in order to attract women, not because they're genuinely nice people.Fake kindness can be seen through, false altruism is transparent. That is why women don't want to date you, because they crave a genuine partner instead of someone who is doing something "nice" in order to get something in return.Women are not vending machines that you can put kindness coins into until sex or a relationship falls out.Stop trying to be a "nice guy" and stop trying to be an asshole. BOTH OF THEM ARE FAKE. Be yourself, relax and understand that at your age, everyone is stupid about dating. You'll find a relationship at the right time IF YOU STOP TREATING WOMEN LIKE CANDY DISPENSERS.By the way? I married a nice guy. Not a "Nice Guy".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 If you really are 16-17 ...uh,what about relaxing and just
enjoying your life, your talents, your passions, your friends ? what's this mad rush to pairing up ? Life can be good even when you are not half of a couple, particularly at your age. Put your anxiety and ego aside, and let teh Universe works its wonders ... in its own good time :).
I think you may be tryng too hard. You know, like when a door-to-door vendor is really forceful in making a sale and in singing the praise of his electric brush- you become authomatically suspicious, and wonder where's the catch- even when there's no catch at all.
I know that dating is basically a marketing operation, a matter of " selling " yourself- but if you know you have a good product there's no need for sale strategies that come off as a bit desperate. Just make yourself a good product, with intersting qualities and ideas, in other words, get a life, a good life on your own, and sooner than you think people will want to join in.
Just chill and be yourself. Alt ! I know what you are going to say " But I am being myself, my sweet, nice self ". No. Sweet is fine, supersweet is cloying, it gives indigestion.Romantic gestures have impact when they are
meaningful , special and occasional- if you ( supposing you could afford it ) send roses every day, to every girl you have dated , it's not special, it's just that you are the "rose guy " with an anxious, needy M.O.
Sugar is good , but it must be used sparingly, if it's too much makes you sick :).
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