A
female
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*ourdesM
writes:I'm a little baffled by the behavior of a close male friend who wants to be more. He otherwise is very engaging and warm but when there is any type of problem that I may be stressed, saddened or angered about and nothing having to do with him, he starts feeling uncomfortable. He tells me he doesn't know what to do, may make a quick comment and then makes an exit. There was a time I was being tested for a malignancy that turned out to be benign. Until I got the results all he would say is "you're not in this alone." However, he never made the effort to say let's go somewhere private where we can talk. Let me invite you to a cup of coffee........nothing!Yet the curious thing is that one day when I was having a great time with friends and laughing up a storm, he quickly came to offer me an expensive gift simply because he wanted me to have it. He physically did not have it but offered to pay for it if I ordered. I declined. It's possible that he just wanted some attention.Lately he's been bringing unsolicited fruits from his trees at home but yet not to anyone else in our work area. Again, today he realized that I was stressed and asked what the problem was, I mentioned a situation with one of my relatives that has been affecting me and has me very concerned and again he retrieved with no empathy.I definitely am not asking for advise or help on any level but his behavior is almost like slap in face. I must add that these problems have been pretty spaced so it's not like I'm doing this every day. Reply to this Question
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reader, LourdesM +, writes (18 July 2015):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everybody's feedback. Wiseowl, you seem to be very intuitive and have given me insight especially with his reaction possibly being linked to his past. This is probably true. One clarification - although there are times I find him very charming, it is me who has drawn the line. He is married. It is also he who approaches me 99% of the time. He shows up in my office sometimes 2-3 times a day just to talk. I have also discouraged any gifts. I've accepted the fruits but nothing more. I do also think he's looking for a relationship because he's lonely and doesn't think much of his wife. I guess I just believe that if you're going to have a close friend whether male or female, that they at least try to support you through the bad times as well and not walk out. It just may be a good idea to keep my problems to myself and keep the friendship more casual. Thanks again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): Some people allow you to vent your pain and frustration in their direction. They are only willing to listen. Not participate in your suffering.
They may not have the answers, or may fear you may not like their advice. Society expects men to resolve problems, be strong in battle, and have all the answers. It's embarrassing to some men; when they are as perplexed in the situation as their lady partner. He only wants to share your happy times, he's not in it for the bad. He's apparently not your boyfriend, and he doesn't want you to get any mixed signals about that.
Have a talk with him. Explain when you come to him during a difficult time, you are seeking his comfort. You'd appreciate any gesture of kindness. Presents or gifts are not necessary. Just a little part of his concern and words of encouragement. He's used to buying his way out, or pacifying a situation with money. Those are signs of his past.
Let him know that he doesn't have to solve your problems. You must use a little common-sense, and realize that he's awkward, because he doesn't have the capacity or inclination to be empathic or sensitive. God forbid! That borders on being emotional! He's from the old school of thought. That's being weak and mushy. Men well over 50 were not encouraged to show their emotions openly; and men are not generally as openly sympathetic as a females anyway.
Time and time again; I must advise people not to set their expectations high on people who don't demonstrate the abilities, traits, and character they are looking for. If it's not in him, you can't force it out of him. Go find it somewhere else! If it's your husband or boyfriend, exhaust all your options first; then do what is best for you. He's just a friend; so it's easier to just cut ties. Not waste your time trying to change him or feeling bad he's not what you want him to be. Unlike relatives, you get to choose your friends!
However; some people don't like feeling sorry for others when they've themselves have had a hard life. Comparatively, some see your pain as a little prick; as compared to what life has dealt them. So they grow a bit hard. If he is not gentle by nature, stop expecting it from him. Find yourself a fella who knows how to feel masculine; and still show he has a sense of kindness, gentleness, and passion. I venture to speculate that you fancy him beyond friendship; and he can see it. He doesn't feel the same, and will not lead you on.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2015):
 I don't think he is doing it on purpose. I think, like Ciar said, he is just USELESS in certain situations.
My guess is he avoids conflict at any cost, even the conflict he isn't part of (yours for instance) He doesn't know what to do, so instead of doing the "wrong" thing, he backs away.
If this is a pattern, you will know what he is "good" for (company) and what he is not (support).
So maybe NOT rely on him for support? Since he seems incapable of giving that. Hopefully you have other friends who can support you when you need it.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 July 2015):
 He told you himself. He really doesn't know what to do when you're stressed or down. He doesn't sound like a bad man. Just a tad useless at times.The bottom line with this guy is when the chips are down, you really are on your own (where he is concerned). It's probably wise to keep it strictly platonic.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2015):
 My guess is that he just doesn't know what to say or do to make you feel better. He may be extremely self-conscious about making himself look bad and so rather than say something stupid, he removes himself from the picture so he doesn't have to say anything at all.
It's like that old saying, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
He's offering gifts and fruit because he wants to help but just doesn't know how. It may be social anxiety, it may be shyness, it may simply be a case of him not knowing what he's "supposed" to do here.
I would not take it as a slap in the face. I would accept his offerings (provided they aren't too expensive and inappropriate) and perhaps spend some time reflecting on his upbringing and history.
If you don't like him romantically, then do distance yourself from him; my theory is that he's socially inept and just doesn't know how to deal with a woman going through something he can't fix. Men like to fix things, not talk about the problem.
I hope you continue to enjoy good health!
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reader, Slippers  +, writes (17 July 2015):
I had a friend like this .. I said had as they couldn't cope with anything negative in their life ..yet when the tables were turned they received heaps of support . But it goes to show not all friendships are well balanced. You have to think of can you cope with this behaviour and either ignore it and keep the friendship going or end the friendship is more one sided .. only you can decide sweetie .
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