A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:met a guy about a month ago. we spent a lot of time together, got along great. first time in a long time that I found someone worth trying for. everything was going so well that I thought naturally we should just take it to the next level, as there was talk about it, and plenty of steamy touching. he was initiating it too. so I ask him to come spend the night. he turns me down, saying hes too tired. but throughout our time together he has been up late many times doing things on his own, and with me, even one night staying up all night just talking, and still wanting to spend time with me the next day. I was hurt by the rejection, and told him so. he offered to come over the next night, but then fell asleep. he woke up the next morning and joked about oral sex, which, stupid me, went for. he received, and that was that. we proceeded to spend the whole next day together/9 hours, just hanging out and having fun. but the touchy feely business stopped, the sweet good morning/good night texts, stopped, contacting me daily, stopped. the compliments stopped. I went from the most beautiful girl in the world,meeting and spending time with his closest friends, holding hands and being romantic... to a "sister" within a week. when I did try to talk to him about not wanting me, he said I was vindictive when I tried to explain how I was hurt by the rejection. this was Saturday night. since Saturday, I have been his sister. last night he calls me and wants to come over. he lays in my bed and falls asleep. hes got leftover pizza and stuff from last night, sitting in his vehicle. he brings it in, and all I can think of is that he was with someone else last night, I just got that feeling, but theres nothing I can do about it. yesterday/last night he had not contacted me at all, but I gave him space, didn't call him or anything.and not once has he bought me dinner or even accepted my offers to take HIM out to eat. we do things HE wants, and when I suggest something I want to do, he turns me down, saying hes busy. so after I wake him from his nap last night, we go fishing. the whole time we are together, im feeling more and more like hes not into me. ive been trying so hard to give him his space and not say anything. im treating him with respect and kindness. but im wondering why he even wants to be around me. hes watching his fishing rod while im trying to engage him in conversation. he just does not seem into me. then a woman and her son show up where we're fishing, he starts talking to her, completely engaged, doesn't look at his rod once. im sitting there feeling bad. I mean I don't care who he talks to, but im hurt that he pays more attention to a stranger than me. we finally leave, and im quiet. I really don't want to say anything, hes told me im vindictive already and pulled away, so im trying to still give him his space. he asks me whats wrong, I still say nothing. but finally I tell him I cant be around him anymore, I cant change what I said when I was hurt from rejection, I cant apologize and keep feeling bad every time im with him. so I tell him its easier to just not see him anymore. he says we should think it over, give it time. I ended up not going to work I was so upset about it all. I wrote a poem about it, sent it to him, and let him know I was at home. I then took down my dating profile and closed my email account. I cried and was troubled by it all half the night. there is nothing more I can do, but try to move on. I feel embarrassed and foolish for having a heart, and everything that has happened is very troubling to me. I feel like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, im always wrong. how should I have handled it? how should I handle it if he contacts me? am I being played for a fool? I just feel so terrible about it all. any and all advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): original poster here again...just for the record, he didn't sister me after the blowjob. I know I wasn't real clear in my ramblings...I was upset. this is what happened, and also what confused me: everything was great. spending time, calling, sweet emails, compliments, etc. we really started getting into each other, and things got a little "hot". so I invited him to spend the night.it was going that way...this was on the Friday. Saturday morning he writes me an email saying how tired he was last night, and slept. that was all I heard from him. it was like no big deal to him because he was tired. but it was a big deal to me. so later that afternoon I sent him an email expressing that I was hurt. he called me after that, but I wasn't here to answer. I listened to the answering machine, then called him back, leaving a message on HIS answering machine to meet me that evening to talk about it. Saturday night. I didn't think he'd show up, because I was upset, but he did. THAT was when he told me my email was vindictive, that I sound vindictive. I told him I was hurt that he turned me down when I asked him to spend the night, we talked. good, I thought, everythings good. he then offered to come over THAT night/still Saturday....he came over, and just slept. he had already shut me out because he thought I was vindictive. the next morning/sunday, was when he asked for the bj, and he didn't take off, but asked me to spend the entire day with him, which I did. but there was no touching at all, or anything romantic after that .... and my confusion was why he turned me down for sex in the first place. he wasn't playing me to get it, he didn't want it, although he gave EVERY indication that he did. That was my confusion!i am still feeling bad, I may never know the answer, but nothing will change the end result. just trying to learn from what happened. and if he IS a narcissist, narcissists HOOVER, they will come back time and time again if you let them....and I worry how i'll handle it.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): "sour suzie" lol AMEN SISTER!!!! from original poster
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): I hate to be a sour suzie but I doubt he's going to contact you. He seems like a dick. He was your friend until you gave him oral and then he ditched you completely. What a f***ing DICKHEAD!!! He is a complete sleezebag and you did the right thing. Stay away from him! Find yourself a nice guy who'll treat you with respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): Janniepeg, you hit the nail on the head. No matter HOW I told him his rejection hurt me, he only saw what he wanted to see in my email to him: vindictive. He claims his ex wife was vindictive. Not my baggage, willing to help him, but not pay for it. And not only that, he punished me ie/ treating me like a sister, for being hurt. And that was when I drew the line. In the beginning he asked me how id like to spend time together, but after awhile, we just did what HE wanted, and if I made a suggestion or asked him to go somewhere, hed say no in one way or another..so I started seeing the way things would go, unless I voiced my concerns, but the first time I tried, I got blamed for not being understanding. Cant win. The second time I said something, it was goodbye, because I could tell he wasn’t going to budge on his opinion. There were many nights he stayed up late, but when it came to me, he was too tired. And of all things, on the site where I met him, he writes in his profile “looking for someone to marry” lol O M G!! save us all!WiseOwlE: narcissism: been there done that, got the t-shirt, and I guess I need to work on myself to resist buying the sweater next. But I AM proud of myself for ending it before I got too lost in it. I tried respectfully and tactfully to work it out with him, I liked him, and didn’t think he was narcissist at all. But if you can blow hot and cold without batting an eye, then im guilty of not seeing it, or refusing to question it. Its amazing what a good nights sleep and a good cry can do for a fresh perspective, because today, all I can think is: he couldn’t even slip me a fiver or a handshake afterwards lol the NERVE of some people ha! But seriously, you are right, he built me up to shoot me down, and I ignored the signs. It doesn’t really matter what I said to him, how I said it, how I acted, did or didn’t do, its all irrelevant to someone with blinders on. He can think of me what he wants, judge me all day long… as long as hes gone!! That is one thing I did right, said goodbye.Euphoria 30: its not very often I meet someone that gets my attention, most of the time I cant be bothered to bother with men lol im fine with myself and my life, but in matters of the heart, that’s another story. Lets just say I don’t reach out very often. But when I do, I make a real effort. But of all people that should be selfish and untrusting, it should be me, but im not. Cautious, maybe, selfish, rarely, and I trust until you show me I cant trust you. I gave him space and time to think about what happened, and removed any pressure by going along with the sister treatment, EVEN THOUGH he was completely alluding to having sex, yet when I asked him, he said no. although I did not understand it, was hurt by it, AND told I was vindictive.I STILL gave him what he wanted; distance between us. My intentions were to make it right no matter what it took. But I also had a breaking point and could only handle it so long. When I saw he wasn’t “coming around", I saw a real unfairness about it: first you act like you want me, then you turn me down, but still ask for a bj, after you’ve called me vindictive for being hurt by your rejection, you have NO willingness to understand or empathize for MY feelings, but im respecting yours, and to top all that off youre punishing me with no end in sight for something you THINK ive done to you! He treated me coldly after I expressed that I was hurt. He was talking about having sex, and was all affectionate but when I asked him to spend the night, he said he was too tired. That is when I told him I was hurt, and a little shocked….I tried to talk to him about it, he said I was vindictive. So then he he came over the next night, and stayed with me, but again, he slept. It was the next morning he asked me for oral sex, and stupid me gave it, in the hopes it might lead to something else, but it never did. Since I told him how I felt, all the sweet emails stopped, the touchy feely stopped, the compliments stopped, but he still wanted to spend all his time with me, in fact a 9 hour day together after he spent the night. But it became too difficult for me to be around him, having to hold back all the time, when before we were holding hands, hugging, touching etc. and you are so right about harming myself here. That is why I ended it. Not only was it his way or the highway, I only had myself to blame for staying. He even said, when I told him I was done, that he didn’t want it to end, just some time. I don’t have any more time lol I also kept my wits and told him hes a good guy, and that im sorry. I figured I was taking the blame anyway, so oh well! Nothing would change his opinion of me, I was wrong no matter what. I have big shoulders, and im now feeling better about how I handled it without anger at all. I could see myself fussing over someone that was clearly no longer fussing over me/or less than usual….so….I did the right thing by ending it. doesn’t make it easier, it still hurts, but I know I deserve betterThank you all SOOO much for your input, advice, and support. I really appreciate it xxoo
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female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (18 July 2015):
Dear OP,I get the feeling that you are directing the anger about that mans behaviour towards yourself now. But I think there's not much wrong with what you did: You felt there's someone worth trying for. You tried. You felt it going nowhere so you ended it before it went worse.It's painful to build up hopes and then to face the disappointment. But not a mistake. Somehow this dating process went bad, and it seems to me he brought his own issues that made him selfish and distrustful towards you.Not everybody is able to engage in a deep conversation about what's going on, to talk about their emotions. It sounds as if you were offering the space to clarify the relationship and solve problems, but he didn't take it. You tried to make it work, but he was still feeling like a victim of some vindictive woman (probably from the past, not you).IF I was to give you advice for a next time.. maybe try LESS hard to make it work. I mean: He treated you coldly after you gave him oral sex and stopped all the romance. But even though this is a completely erratic move, you spent time with him as much as he liked, let him sleep at your place and, after what sounds like a completely unromantic night, offered to spend a boring day fishing with him. By this, you harmed yourself, giving away your precious energy and time to someone who didn't earn it. I am all for trying. I am all for being generous and caring. BUT only when I feel there is something coming back and he's really giving his best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): He got what he wanted. You didn't do anything wrong. He judges harshly, and he's not worth all the concern you're giving him. Some guys set women up.
They praise, idolize, and worship her; placing her high up on a pedestal. Stroking her ego, with things on their mind. They have a few drinks, a few laughs, and a freaky moment comes over them. They hint and joke around about sexy things they like, or would like you to do. Once you do them; they get judgmental, and suddenly see you in a different light. Men like that aren't worth a puddle of soft dog poop.
They get what they want, and suddenly you drop from the top shelf; and roll down the steps to the basement. You didn't maintain their image of perfection. Or they never saw you the way they told you...it's just player-talk. Don't fall for sweet-talk, girlfriend. It's bullsh*t wrapped in a candy-coating. Sweet until you get to the center of it.
Now here's the clincher. If they want something, and you refuse to do it. Then you're a bitch, or you're stingy.
They'll pout and lay a guilt-trip on you. Girlfriend, I've seen it all. I'm gay, and we get the same kind of treatment from guys.
If they want a blow-job, you're all that... and a bag of kettle chips. If they don't get it, you're the greasy bag blowing around the parking lot! The next day isn't as great as last night. Because they got off! Live and learn. You're a mature lady. You should know better, hon! Don't feel bad, it happens. You'll get over it.
My dear, sometimes a guy like that is what you may consider a narcissist. They purposely build you up, to tear you down.
That's how they get their jollies.
If he now treats you like a sister? Treat him like rubbish and kick him to the curb. You're looking for a boyfriend; not a brother, nor a judge. Well, a judge might be a good catch; if he's not too judgy!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 July 2015):
 Vindictive is the wrong word. That bad feeling must have carried over from his last relationship where they had exchanged heated arguments. I don't think you did anything wrong but maybe you spent too much time together. He should have more boundaries about how long each meeting lasts, and when he should go to bed. I understand being all over each other at the beginning stages but still there is real life. You need sleep and energy. You said he's up all night too by himself so that could be a problem. People who have an irregular lifestyle can't be reliable as relationship partners. I don't think you are like a sister or being friend zoned. He just realizes maybe a relationship is not what he wants.
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