A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for almost three months. He's in his early 30s. From the first time we went out he told me a bit about himself, he also mentioned to have been previously engaged. I am in my mid twenties and from that he said I should be thinking of having kids before it's too late. Fast forward to now, I had felt like he just wants to settle down. He asks me how many kids do I want, when am I going to move out with him. When I talked to him about it, he said he was saying it playfully.I feel like we're not getting to know each other if that's all the conversation he brings up. I feel like he's not letting things happen naturally or really trying to see if we do get along.Am I being pressured or am I a commitment-phobe? Any advice would be highly appreciated.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2015):
 It's only been 3 months, I think, I would tell him to hold his horses with the whole settling down, at least for now.
3 months is is WAY to soon to be thinking long term, IMHO.
Now you may know by now if you can see yourself with him, but marriage and kids? That's a bit early if you ask me.
Personally, I think because he is older he is now ready and presumes because HE is ready that you should be too. THAT is just not how it works.
I'd say tell him to give you 9 more months to figure out HOW ready to are for THOSE things. If you are 25, YOU have plenty of time.
A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (17 July 2015):
Dear OP,
I think some people are rather pragmatic when it comes to chosing a partner and that's fine, but it would be a huge turnoff for me. I am much more romantic than that and I need to feel that I am really desired as a woman, partner, friend. I'd like to think that I am special and that a man would stick to me, even if it turned out that for some reason, I am infertile or otherwise unable to give him a perfect family.
Nothing in your post has made me believe that you are commitment-phobe. I just think he might be the wrong guy for you. After 3 months of dating, you still feel as if you don't know him and you don't sound like you're in love. I guess you can say you've given it a try. But why keep going on if you feel it's not going to work out..
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 July 2015):
 Many men, no matter how great at the beginning, will be Mr Wrong after marriage. They are the ones who impress you at the dating stages. Very active and romantic. Then after marriage they turn into couch potatoes or watch porn. Some go the other extreme. They feel trapped at home so they go out with buddies until the 3 am. There are no guarantees in life. You can plunge yourself into something you are not ready for but have pleasant surprises, or you can wait and prepare but find out later you are disappointed with the results.
You are still pressured by him and I don't think you are a commitment phobe. If you are with him 3+ years then still stalling then I might say so. He's being this way because he felt his ex fiancé wasted his time and now he probably wants you to pick up where she left off. I would be curious to find out how the engagement broke off. Surely for 3 months you've talked about other stuff too, no?
You can be biologically and emotionally ready as a mother but as you say to let things happen naturally he can't skip the courtship stages and go right into building a nest. To rush this I would suspect it's because he has little to impress you with, so he wants to tie you down to make it harder for you to leave. If lack of commitment is the norm, because people see what a serious relationship entails, and how much money, time and effort it takes. Just because someone says he wants to settle down doesn't mean you both are going to be happy together. He can gauge how ready you are but I agree he can be more tactful about it rather than to shoot out questions over and over again until he gets a satisfying answer.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 July 2015):
 I think you're just not used to a man who actually WANTS to play house and settle down. There's nothing wrong in what he wants, he's not rushing you or pressuring you, he's merely being honest and up front about what he wants out of the relationship. And, yes, he appears to want it sooner rather than later.
My guess is, you're so used to 20-something immature guys who you can barely get to hold hands with you, that you have come to see a lack of commitment as the norm. Then this guy comes along, who is ready for something quite different: kids, making a home together, possibly marriage and all of that stuff.
I think you need to take a second and think before you freak out. So he's not what you're used to. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Is it negative that he wants to see where things are headed with you, that he wants to live with you?
I will also tell you this, men who want to settle down and have kids CAREFULLY pick who they want as a mother to their kids. They don't choose at a whim. So if he's rushing towards living together, I see two possible reasons: Either he's a romantic who just loves living together with a girlfriend and hates to be a lone, just loves to spend every second of the day together. Or, he's thinking he wants kids and marriage in not too long, and want to move in with you to see if you are compatible, rather than date for an extended period of time, only to then move in together, only to then figure out if you are compatible as room-mates or not. Because living together and dating are two very different things. To him, it might seem like a waste of time to spend a year dating before moving in together.
I would suggest you talk to him about how you feel, than you feel things are moving along too quickly and you're not ready for these talks of living together or babies and whatnot. Even if it's for fun, you're just not there yet. That you need more time to get to know him before you're comfortable about it.
It could be he feels like he doesn't have the time to wait for you. In that case, you are not a good match, because you're younger than him and you don't feel this need to settle quite now, you want maybe five more years of just dating, exploring the world and working on your career. Give him a time frame, perhaps? About what time you see yourself settling down, have kids etc? Of course, given that you find the right man to do it with. Before you're ready though, every man, no matter how great, will be mr. wrong.
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