A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy from the time I was 16 to the time I was 21. As per most "highschool sweethearts" relationships, it ended due us wanting a bit of a change, some experience elsewhere etc.We both agreed that we wouldn't try to be friends right away, as it would be too hard, with fresh wounds/feelings etc.It was hard to seperate from him, I spent mostly every day with him, his family were like my own (his Mum in particular I was very close with, as my own Mum wasn't all that interested in me), his sister was like my own sister, we had alot of the same friends, we were ibvolved in alot of the same activities, etc.3 years on, and about 12 months ago we became friends/back in contact. I know that no matter what he is still there for me - twice in the 3 years I have been in a very sticky situation and twice he has been the first person I called and the person to get me out of the situation. The attraction is still very much there - from both sides. With my 3 years experience in life and relationships, I know that a guy like this is very rare. We had a complete balance of everything you need in a relationship - communication, trust, security, sex, friendship, etc. But being as naive and inexperienced as we were, we didn't appreciate this at the time.In the past 8 months, I have been in a situation where I see alot more of my ex. We had a very recent conversation where we have both said we agree on the above (how things were genuinely perfect - yes we had our bad patches, but we worked so well together), both of us feel that we are meant to be together, at some point again in life.When I first became into this situation where we saw alot more of wach other, he said he wanted to tell me how he felt, but I had a boyfriend that ended a few months after. Then he found out the girl he had been seeing for a very short period of time was pregnant. And it wasn't the right thing to do.In our recent talk, he said that he didn't feel right about the relationship with the girl from the word go, but after he found out she was pregnant, he felt he had to do the right thing and stand by her. He was foolish - she told him she had had the contraceptive injection, and he didn't use condoms. Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe she wasn't, but they are all in an unhappy mess - she is unhappy because she feels he is only with her because of the baby. They don't have a 'normal' relationship, sleeping in seperate rooms (they live together as of a few months ago), no affection, they don't even seem to like each other, as odd as that sounds.Please don't think badly of me. I'm not out to break up a family, I don't want to steal anyone's boyfriend. He hasn't said he wants to leave her for me or anything...We both just feel that we are meant to be together. Is this just one big complicated mess?? How do we move forward from here?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Solidus  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 You're welcome. Hope I helped.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers.
Spirit of Iona, I feel like you kind of didn't understand, and I sensed a little
bitterness from you. My ex and his current girlfriend both know that
they aren't right for each other and pretty much are staying together for the baby.
They said that they are going to make a go of it, but it has mostly
been her that's been pulling away from him, it was her decision to sleep in the
spare room etc. I speak to both of them, I see her quite regularly and we get on well.
I am leaving them alone to sort out their differences, I've not
put any pressure on him to leave her, I haven't even asked him to.
All we've done is simply discuss the fact that we both feel that one
day we should be together again, but right now it's not the right time.
It's not that I looked around and decided no one else was good enough,
it's just that no one has measured up to him, and I stil have striong
feelings for him. I do believe he is the one for me. Yes, we were both in
contact with each other through the years, he contacted me as much
as I would contact him, and I helped him through a couple of hard
times.
Solidus, thank you. You are right, and he knows that too. He
said to me that he knows you can't stay together for a baby, and you
can be just as good of a father not being with the mother as you can
together. I think he wants to see her through the birth and support her
through the first few tough months.
I am totally willing to take a back seat, be a friend/support to them both.
Like I said, I'm not out to break up a family if it isn't ready to breakup
naturally, but the cracks are there in the foundation.
Truly Devastated, I think he should be honest too, at the right time.
Even if he did say to her it was because she's pregnant and out of
shape (which is completely not why, he didn't want to be with her
before they found out she was pregnant and she was slim etc)
she wouldn't care, pregnancy really suits her, she has blossomed
and is very confident, more so when she wasn't pregnant!
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A
female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (9 July 2008):
I think he should be honest with the pregnant girl and let her know how he feels about you and why. The why is extremely important. He shouldn't want her to think it's because she's pregnant and out of shape, etc. which could cause undue stress to she and the baby. If they are living as you have described, she should FEEL that something is wrong and is probably expecting something like this anyway. maybe you can be supportive of her pregnancy and everything from the oputside and empathize with her though you want the man. Maybe you can wait until after the baby is born to see how he feels and possibly pursue it then if he still feels the same. I feel for you because this is definitely a sticky situation to be in. Best of luck with it.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (9 July 2008):
My best friend was in a similar situation with having a baby on the way with a woman he no longer cared about romantically. He thought about giving it another go with her if only for the baby's sake. He came from a broken family and didn't want to continue the cycle. However, as his best friend I made him realize that he can be a good father without having to sacrifice his being with a woman he doesn't care for. Once he understood this things became much easier for him and his path clearer.
If your childhood sweetheart thinks he has to stay with his baby's mother out of some outdated sense of obligation to her be there as a friend and let him know he has options and that he can still be every bit the father he wants not in a relationship with her.
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