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female
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*lairejefferson
writes: I am 6 weeks pregnant. The child's father doesn't want to know and is married. I have 3 difficult teenagers and am a lone parent running my own business. My life is hectic and full and I am 40. I have absolutely no family other than my 3 children.Do I keep it or not? I can't decide. I long to be married and happily settled, but I also long for this baby. I am totally against abortion and I know I couldn't let it go for adoption after its birth. I hate the loneliness I am feeling now and the lack of sharing the joy of being pregnant and seeing the new baby but I may never meet anyone else again now to have one last baby. My time for abortion is running out, if that's what will be the best idea.
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female
reader, clairejefferson +, writes (2 May 2006):
clairejefferson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for that reply. Im now only 5 weeks away from giving birth and Im still as angry and mixed up and sad as I was when I wrote that question. You have to do what you feel is right, but you have to accept that you will be on yr own and even yr closest friends wont be able to share certain deeply intimate feelings or moments that a couple having a baby share. Best of luck anyhow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2006): I'm also pregant to someone who's life is with someone else and not me. He wants me to have an abortion but I think this is to save his own ass! I've only know about the pregnancy for a few days and I'm still in a state of confusion over what to do, I don't think i can go through with an abortion. He might be someone else's partner but he should (like all attached men)should have thought about that all those times when he was chasing after me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): I too am in the same situation. Last year I miscarried our baby. Just a few weeks later I found I was pregnant again. This was a bitter sweet moment for me, as my babys' father had already told me he did not want another child. It took a while for him to accept the first baby but eventually he did, but then I lost her. This time he has told me to 'drown' the baby. However, I know this was said in the heat of the moment. I still reallt love this guy, but have accepted that we will or never would have been a 'couple'. All I want is for him to accept this baby and be there for them, but without us even beiong friends, it really doesn't look too promising. His mother has told me that once the baby arrives, he will be completely different, but as this is not until August, a lot of time would have passed. I've tried everything I can do but he still for some reason hates me. I too am feeling that I will be unable to meet someone new who will take on the respeonsibility of another mans child. An abortion would be the easy way out, but I too could not go through with this.
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female
reader, clairejefferson +, writes (16 January 2006):
clairejefferson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, it sounds like you are in pretty much the same position as me!! Not long after I posted that question I decided to keep the baby, and havent looked back once on that decision. You can imagine my fear and anxiety when i learnt it was twins as well!! But Im looking forward to it now. Im sad for my babies that the father has chosen to avoid contact, and I have told him that, but like yr baby's father, mine too is immature and very freaked out by the whole situation. Unfortunately, I still love the man profoundly and I know in my heart no man could ever replace him as the daddy to these babies, and I know that if i even contemplated letting another man into my life in that sense it would just fill me with irritation. Maybe in years to come he will come round, but by then it will be too late, he will have missed out on the most important milestones, like actually being there to see them entering the world and looking for the first time into the eyes of those who will love them uncondtionally, adoringly, forever.Never mind!!! He is big and ugly enough (as the saying goes) to make his own decisions. Take care too, and if you would like to keep in touch and compare notes im sure the guys running this site can sort that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): Hi, I read you post with compassion. Regardless of the relationship you have/had with the father I understand your feelings about pregnancy and abortion. I had two abortions over fifteen years and am now 37, three months pregnant by accident with a man who managed to get a goal on the last episode of our four month fling. I had not even wanted sex with him at the time but was too sleepy to fight him off. didn't want to take the morning after pill as it was the same week three years before that I had terminated with an 8 week pill and somehow the memory was v strong. I am in this situation after two months of agonising that I am deciding to go ahead. The father has been totally unsupportive and uncommunicative, saying one minute go ahead then the next waving the money for the abortion. i made it his choice too and said, if you want me to abort you will have to carry me physically and emotionally through the process as i would be way to vulnerable this time to do that same thing at my age without increased trauma. It is my first and I do work from home.. friends and family are behind this in the main but no matter what I say to the dad - about having no pressure on him to be anything other than visit his child on occasion if he wishes he still is very immature, 29 years old, has emotional issues and is being very ignorant. With hormones raging and a very very difficult decision having been made I have done my best to make it two people's choice but he wouldn't get the morning after pill - which i said i would take if he did, nor did he book an appointment at Marie Stopes clinic for a consultation. Where does that leave me? I know its a huge responsibility and I was just hoping he would be mature enough to accept his responsibility - not even financially but to face facts. He is happy to ask to rent out my spare room but not happy to look me in the eye and talk about it! I have asked him to stay away unless he can be caring and supportive and I just hope in his own time he will grow up enough to see that he actually has a reasonably good situation with no obligations. Time will tell but I have to say its a very tough call for me. not the way I planned it - but then that is life... it would seem. Good luck, enjoy your baby - but separate it from the father - in your case too he must be freaked out since he is married. Its a tougher one for him - but the bottom line for all these men is if you are old enough to be sleeping out there - you are old enough to know what just may happen.
Take Care..
And good luck to all mums out there - esp the single ones!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): Hi Claire,
What are you thinking! ........Six weeks is very early and only really a form of contraception in the view of many.
There's not enough information here, but it seems having this child cuts across what you say you want from life? What life would it have honestly through it's young years, and then as a teenager when you are almost 60, and there is no father around, or family to speak of.
Has to be your choice honey, but I know what I'd do
Jane x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): This is a tough comment.I am an advocate of pro-choice, and have a hard time understanding why people who can't emotionally or financially take care of a baby, find themselves pregnant!As an adopted child,I can tell you that the pain of abandonment will always be part of your body and the child's body for as long as you both live.Nevertheless, there are people out there( and, by the way,not all adopting parents are perfect) who really want to be parents,not by accident,not because they hoped that their married lover will break up with his wife and marry them, not to fill a void,but by choice. Those are the people that are equipped to handle a baby,not you.Giving up a child for adoption requires an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, and a lot of courage.Between abandoning a child at birth with all the pain and trauma that will cause or letting a foetus die in the womb, I'm sorry, I think the latter is less cruel.Again, I am sorry about this harsh comment, but I am sick and tired of women putting children into this world just because they don't believe in abortion.There are many ways to kill a child, and offering him a life that is not worth living is one of them.Life is not always the right choice.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (1 November 2005):
 Why question this? Are you asking if you should want to keep the baby? Are you afraid that what you really long for is the father to leave his wife for you? Those would be normal questions but I think your question is probably not clearly defined because you are afraid to go there if you know what I mean. This is a HUNCH but, I think you are terribly lonely and are desperate to fill that void with what ever you can. You might also worry that something is wrong with you so that you think the feelings of love (attraction) are as good as the real experience (love the verb). It could be that you are not even aware that the two are different.
You are also facing an empty nest soon so there is a lot going on and you need to try to separate the feeling you are having so that you don't continue to set yourself up for loss. You say that you want to be happily married and you also want the baby. I get the feeling you don't think both are possible at the same time. Well, it isn't likely to be possible with the father but why not take that guy out of the equation?
The dad doesn't want to be apart of the child’s life. If true, get it in writing!!!. If you think no one wants a woman with a baby, you are sheltered. There are millions of step families out there. You have a great opportunity here. What young boys don't want are families. Men step up. Men step up more when the child barely remembers a time without their dad (the man who steps up is a dad). Men don't like to get involved with sticky ex family mixes where kids are screaming "your not my dad!"
So what to do? You need to probably get into therapy to get to the root of your intimacy problems. If your dad wasn't there for you because he left, died, worked all the time or was abusive, you have been set up to think that you are not worthy of real love. You are currently living a life that abandoned girls live (which is why I say this). The problem is that if you think it to be true, it becomes true for you.
I think that you were hoping that the father would leave his wife and be with you if you got pregnant, and that this would prove your worth to the world. When it didn’t work out, you are left teetering on the edge of total breakdown. You can’t live your life allowing outside actions dictate your self worth. Even if you didn't plan this, secretly in your heart, you must have thought he thought like women do- that is if you please him in bed and his actions or words show love then he will eventually bond enough to want to be with you and that he does really love you. Problem is men are different; women internalize sex, men externalize it (It oddly follows our biology!) . That is, we women take it seriously and think it means something special and men use it like a tool. Both need it for happy and healthy living.
You have a lot to face, but one thing you should do is face that you want the baby. You will really regret it if you abort and that will set you off into a downward spiral of self destructive behaviors and could ultimately ruin you. I would say look up info on adoption. Don’t choose anything yet just find out about it and put the choice off for at least a month or two. In the mean time, put your needs as number one. Steer clear of anything harmful since we know that it is not fair to ruin someone’s life before they get a chance to do it themselves. You don't want to hurt that baby you love so much.
While in therapy, you will be changing the patterns of your life once and for all. If during that time you can get to a place that makes you a good and available mom, keep the baby. If you find that you are very wounded and can't get through all this with the extra stress, then love the baby so much that you ensure that it has the best possible home to grow up in and has the best chance at healthy rearing.
Either way, you should cut the confusion quite a bit when you take fake issues off the table and go ahead and love the baby inside of you. In fact, love it so much that it becomes motivation to get yourself together and let it guide you to your best self. But what ever you do, please promise yourself to stay away from other families and other users on your personal quest for fulfillment. Okay! You can do this just don't face it all at once. One step at a time is always best.
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (31 October 2005):
 I feel for you. I am also 6 weeks pregnant, and cant imagine what it would be like not to be able to share what I am going through with my partner. I also know however that if my partner didnt stick around I would still have to go through it. Its weird- these babies are less than a cm in size but they are a part of us. To think of destroying that would only destroy ourselves. When you choose to tell your children you need to sit them down and explain that you need their support through this. They are teenagers- and are all old enough to understand what you are going through- or at least be there for you. You have two decisions about how to handle the father of the baby. Legally- and only after dna tests- he is obliged to give you child maintenance. He has made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby, but its his bed and he must lie in it. His problem, not yours. You can either ignore that he is the father and do as he wishes- and give him nothing to do with it. Or, you can get legal help to get child maintenance from him. Remember though that this may mean that later on he may want to spend time with the baby- which legally he is allowed to do, and your baby may become part of his family to. I advise you to tell your children asap so that you dont have to keep this all bottled in. Best wishes, I hope me and the others can be of some help to you. x
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 October 2005):
 You don't believe in abortion, you couldn't handle an adoption so pray tell what else is there? Get on with your life and keep your mitts off someone else's husband. You are 40 years old, try to act like it.
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