A
female
age
,
*psux
writes:I just found out a few months ago my husband of 19 years has been seeing a girl who is a crack addict/prostitute for 14 years (off and on - whatever that means) In addition to her there have been others, I don't know how many, he refuses to talk about it! I am 17 years younger than him and our sex life has always been great. I am very adventurous sexually, uninhibited and oral sex is something I used to enjoy giving to him because I know he liked it. I thought if I was making him happy at home there would be no reason for him to wander...boy was I wrong! I am trying to forgive him. I have 3 little boys under the age of 10! He changed his cell phone number and I have been checking for the "strange" numbers...there haven't been any. I check up on him to make sure he is where he is supposed to be and so far it all checks out. I am stuck...I don't know how to move forward. He has said how sorry he is and it will never happen again! He has had problems with maintaining and erection for about the last 3 years because of medication for bipolar and depression. I always make sure he has a happy ending even if he can't have an orgasm through vaginal penetration. I don't know any of the details, it is driving me insane! He said he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has and that we need to stop bringing it up and move forward. Well that is easy for him to say because he knows what went on...I don't. I feel like he had a secret with other women and I was closed off and left out. I don't know who he is!!! I have so many unanswered questions. Was she better? Did he have feelings for her (he says no) He started seeing her when she was 17! How sick is that? How can I forgive when I don't know what I am forgiving for? What exactly am I dealing with here? Sex addict? Pedophile? Prior to all of this I had NO clue any of this was going on. I have been so busy raising his kids I didn't check up on him, I trusted him. That is sooo gone now. I am now obsessed with checking the phone bill. I check on him with a GPS that I put in his truck. I even put a voice activated recorder in his truck. I heard a woman propositioning him and he told her no (he doesn't know I know this or that the recorder even exists) I would love to move forward and forget the past and try to make this work but I am scared and frankly I am still pissed off about the years of lies and deceit! How could he do this to me? I have been a very good wife to him. I just can't wrap my mind around it. The therapist said this is a bipolar behaviour....I don't know what to believe. He went to one counseling session to get me to let him come home and hasn't been back since! Help me how do I move on??? Should I even try???
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 December 2010):
 How I wish they would find a cure for bi-polar. Families sometimes put such a burden on themselves, just trying to support their loved one with bi-polar.
It is a big load of stress for everyone to deal with.
My thoughts are with you.
If he is bi-polar then he is not well, and his brain is misFiring due to his bi-polar. Leading to all his risky bahavior. But it still hurts you so very much. As it would hurt anyone.
If he did not have bi-polar i am sure he would not be doing all these things.
And deep down he must know he is causing you great stress. And that must surely bother him and fill him with bad feelings.
But the bi-polar results in impulsive poorly thought out decisions at times, simply because the brain is not working properly.
You are his biggest supporter, yet he may not thank you too often for all you do for him.
Can you ask him if he would agree to a joint session with his psychiatrist , you and your husband. So that when you raise all these things about all his previous risky behavior, and how much it hurts you, that he also has a second supporter present, (you are his First supporter), in case he feels overwhelmed by all the hurts he has inflicted on you. I think he does these things and acts this precisely because he is not well.
Please don't mention all your checking up or it is likely to make him feel worse, that your faith in him has sunk so low (because you feel so hurt) that you constantly check up in him.
I can understand that you want to know first what he is up to. But i think all that checking up is stressing you too. Just having a partner with bi-polar is draining enough on the partner.
I lost my first husband to suicide, even though he was seeing his psychiatrist every week at various times, including a few days before he died. Thus I remember it can be very worrying when one sees the signs that one's partner's state of mind is deteriorating.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Simply I think you need to write a list of all the questions you need answering, sit down with him and ask him everything. Tell him that you cannot continue in this marriage unless he answers all of your questions - that should show him that he is not saving you from any more hurt by talking about it, rather he is hurting you more by letting your mind conjure up all sorts of sordid details.
I think almost everything you have said in this post (aside from the pedophile thing as I think that is a bit much) needs to be said to your husband - especially the part that because he has this secret for so long you dont know who he is anymore.
A marriage counsellor would be a great idea for you both, so try suggesting this to him and hopefully, for the sake of your marriage, he will give it a try.
However if he is not willing to talk at all, even when you present this list and explain that you cannot be in this marriage unless he talks, and wont see a counsellor - then your marriage does not have much hope for the future I'm afraid. He has deceived you for around 3 quarters of your total marriage - the majority of your time together has been a lie. What he has done is unforgiveable to most people, and you are a very special person to even think about giving this another go. But he needs to match your dedication to this marriage - if he cannot talk about it or committ to counselling then he clearly does not care about this marriage as much as you do.
So make it clear to him that you need him to talk and go to counselling otherwise it is over - he probably thinks at the moment that soon you will stop asking about it and things will go back to normal. So make it clear he is not going to get away with it and you cannot just let it lie and move on - he has to do this your way for the sake of the marriage otherwise that is it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (6 December 2010):
 The best thing to do is not ask for details, because you're guaranteed to hear something you don't want to know and it's not only going to haunt you, but prevent you from ever moving on. Couples' counseling can help you both work through these problems, but keep in mind it may take several months and you both need to be committed to working towards progress.
The good news is he hasn't repeated his mistakes, and does have the capacity to make the right choice. However, if he's not willing to work on the marriage with you and move on from what he's done, you may want to consider separating or filing for divorce. It's not an easy choice to make, but may be necessary. Unresolved issues with trust don't go away on their own, and over time, will start to eat away at you emotionally if they're not addressed.
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