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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Lately, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has been giving me a guilt trip about not "treating" him to dinners. I'll ask him if we can go out somewhere nice, implying that I'll pay half, and he says "if you're treating, sure." He earns the most money out of both of us, while I'm earning a little above minimum wage 20 hours a week. But he's just been making me feel guilty if I tell him I'll pay half. He calls me cheap and tells me that now it's my turn to treat him. I offer to pay half and tip, he still gives me the guilt trip. How is this fair in any way? I understand when I didn't have a job, he always took me out, and I repaid him by taking him out whenever I had money. But for some reason, whenever I get a new job or a big check, he always pretty much demands that I take him out somewhere nice to eat, even though I have car payments and I barely get by with what I earn. What do I do? I've been paying more often nowadays, and feeding him at my house with home-cooked meals. We don't even go out much anymore because he's a pretty cheap guy. And whenever he pays, he just makes me feel guilty as well. He says now that I have a job, it's his turn to sit back and let me pay. We never go out, only to get quick-fix foods like Subway. He never wants to take me out and never offers to. Is this a serious problem? When we first started going out, even when he didn't have money, he would still take me out, no problem. But now he's making me feel so guilty.Am I at fault here?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Two things will solve your problem. 1. Re-evaulate your definition of 'fair' and 2. Learn to accept it.
'Fair' does NOT mean split everything 50/50 right down to the last decimal point. It DOES mean coming up with an arrangement that works comfortably for both parties. Both you and your boyfriend are doing what works for him. The only difference is he's happy about it and you're not.
Learn to accept the decisions you make knowing that others won't always like or agree with them. Once you find something that works for you, you are not obliged to explain it to others or go along with whatever they want until they decide to see it your way.
Your boyfriend is not the dictionary and he is not the standard by which all human interaction is measured. He is just one person out of billions occupying this space, just like you and your opinions count as much as his do.
Having said that I have to agree that he clearly isn't worried about losing you. He knows you care more about the relationship than he does. Either he's lost interest or he believes you'll stick around no matter what.
If this were me, I'd see this as a sign that is was time for me to move on. Apply the advice I gave you to future relationships.
A
male
reader, Comfortishere  +, writes (16 April 2012):
The guy you are dating is one selfish person. He needs manners first of all and don't feel guilty because of this he is just probably using you so he can just go get something for him. You should tell him how you feel about this.I hope he can understand.
Good Luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 You are at fault for still tolerating this cheapskate and yielding to his demands every time.
Why the heck should you treat him ? It's already bad enough that he does not treat YOU ( yes, woman's lib, equality etc., but, fact is that anyway there are still around tons of guys who are willing and HAPPY to buy meals for their gfs ) even if he earns more than you. But you could at least go dutch, right ? You split the bill in half, or if he is such a tightwad, you can pay each his own way to the cent. But no, he wants you to treat him.
Only yourself to blame. You only have a low paying part time job, and you've got your car payments and stuff = you cannot afford treating him, period.
So, either you stop paying, and eat Subway , or ( much better solution ) you kick to the curb his sorry mooching ass.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 April 2012):
 If a guy did this to me, I would take it as a signal that he wants out and that the relationship has no benefits to him. Something happened during these 2.5 years and is causing a rift in the relationship, or he never had an intention of committing to you and is creating a distance between you two. He is trapping you into a role of pleasing him, and making you feel guilty that you are not the feminine submissive woman that every woman should be. Do not give in to this guilt. I do think it is a serious problem. I won't give him a label or anything but he is indeed something. I think this is more than miserly behavior. He doesn't like women very much or he thinks women are only in his life to take his resources so the woman has to proove him wrong in order to be worthy in his eyes. He wasn't that way to you at the beginning. If he were, he would not get any girls. Now his real face has shown. Take it or leave it because you can't talk any sense out of this guy. Talking about splitting the money every time you are out just sucks out the romance and creates tension and resentment.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I can only imagine how tasty you find meals which are seasoned with guilt!!!!!
A guy who behaves as you describe... when his G/F offers to "go Dutch" periodically is uber-cheap, to be sure...
From the description you make of your's/his relationship, I wonder if he parsimony isn't fatal to the whole darn thing!!!!! (give it some thought.... how would things be if you and he were husband and wife?????)
Good luck....
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