A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My brother is getting married. I have been dating for over 2 yrs the same man who has been to all our holiday dinners. There is an engagement dinner for the close family and fiends to meet with invitations via interenet. It will be appx 20 people. I believe his finances' bothers' girlfriend will be attnding...as i understand...my boyfriend is not. I was very angryh havent said anything yet but am disturbed my boyfriend is considered my family i am a div woman 45 yrs old. Isnt this wrong? I mean if it were only family then i understand...and no problems or falling out with them and him. Advice.? How do i handle this , my brothers fiance is a bit hoity toity and seems tobe putting wedges in between my bro and his family as we arent good enough...fom my perspective ... All advice appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Yes, I guess the occasion allows for a little white lie . You show up,greet everybody, toast the happy couple and wish them well, but, alas , previous, pressing committments prevent you from joining the dinner table. Diplomacy : the art of saying " screw your frigging dinner ! " without actually dissing an innocent brother and a perhaps,we don't know-but-there's-a-possibility,equally innocent SIL :)
Only, perhaps it's better that you tell them before that, with much regret but blah blah, you won't be attending the whole dinner. So the in laws won't even have an excuse to grumble that they have payed for a non show up - if it was some sort of 20 guests package deal- or that, had they known, they could have invited someone else.
Or else... how about that :
it seems your main concern in all this is that your bf could be hurt or offended. But, would he be for real ? are you sure ? maybe he does not care , maybe he'd actually rather relax at home than attending an engagement dinner. Maybe he would understand that you'd much prefer stay at home yourself, but you don't want to hurt your brother.
Why don't you ask his input. Tell him " Look, the hoity toity in laws of my brother put me between a rock and a hard place - what would you do, if you were me ? " see what he says then take it from there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycares...i hear you i agree whole heartedly with you, but i havent slept in days my boyfriend has been so a part of mine and my daughters lives we are family..i dont want to hurt my bf because i can assure you i will not see my brother after he marries only at wedings and such i do lovemy brother ...do you think hmayb i could just show ip andmeet everyone then leve not eat and tell her arents i have to take my daughter to her fathers i do not want to mske this a big deal or that i am not hsppy for them..i feel like its a disresoect to me and they needto know i have boundaries as they do. If they were throwing it it would be different...her family is throwing it.? Is that too wierd?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 January 2013):
Ah, just as I thought. Nothing personal. It's only HER parents paying , so basically they invite the closest to them . Obviously THEIR own son' s partner gf feels more intimate then their daughter's fiance's sister's partner. Can you see the difference, from the point of view of who's throwing the party ? ...
Your suspicions that your brother's fiancee' is tryng to distance him from his family may be founded or unfounded, I don't know - the fact though is that she has an excellent excuse for not having extended the invitation to your bf, which is , she isn't the one paying, her parents are, and THEY ( believably ) don't feel your bf as part of the family .
I don't know, OP, if it has to make you uncomfortable and resntful, then do not attend. Personally , I'd take it as a chance to be the better person and to help your brother celebrate his engagement, without ifs,buts, and " strained . Blood is thicker than water, and even if your brother surely does not win the prize for most affectionate brother, well, his engagement is not the best time ever to keep score and start retaliations , and your generosity and good will may help change his perspective and smooth over things between you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 January 2013):
Yes, I noticed that, and I am not saying it's RIGHT. But if she is totally in charge of the invitations ( I wonder why, btw,has your brother no say at all over his own engagement party ? ) and if she has a limit of 20 people who can attend, it's normal that she makes a priority list - in other words, not everybody can come, so she chooses the closest. And I think that her own brother's gf is closer to her, and feels more like family, than her future SIL's bf.
What does your brother feel about this ? ...
I am asking just out of curiosity, I am not advising to go stir up trouble between the two fiances , if you feel this is what could happen if you talk to your brother. Because, I understand your annoyance, OP, but, at the end of the day, it's THEIR engagement party- let them have it any way they want, no grudges,no long faces. I think is the best engagement present you could give your brother :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares....her brothers girlfriend is invited....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, i am not sure I am going to attend. My brother's fiance told me her parents are paying and its for family and intimate only they dont consider my boyfriend family. They like him. But my only grief is that HER brother and his girlfriend are invited...yes they live together but they arent yet engaged so technically she isnt family either...I am very hurt but this and i dont want to cause grief nor at this point do i want my boyfriend to be invited but i believe i shouldn't sttend.Although i love my brother, we do have a strained relationship from his percepective, not mine, and i believe she is doing her best to silently distance him fom his family over the last 8 yrs. my brother never came to visit me nor did he call me nor ask me about my health and hospitalizations.Whereas but my boyfriend was there for me every single day...he is MY family, i understand they dont consider him family...so i don't really want to go to this dinner...ugh...this is so difficult
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 January 2013):
Why are you blaming only your brother's fiance', and not your brother too, for the missing invitation ? Aren't they giving the dinner together ? ...
Anyway, if this is not the case and she is the one hosting ( and paying for ) the party, or at least has given total carte blanche for the invitation list, sorry but I see her point . If the list has to be pared down to close family members and friends, your bf is neither. He is your bf, - not your husband, not even your fiancee'. It may feel like family to you, but surely,atm, he won't to your future SIL.
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A
female
reader, bunny2k35  +, writes (10 January 2013):
Hi I totally understand your frustration hun its horrible been in a position where u feel u ain't good enough I have been in a similar situation myself where my mother-in law never made me feel good enough and that I took her little boy away. My advice is one of two options
*if they are the "take it on the chin" type then simply try explain to them in a calm way you love your brother and want him to be happy but would like to share his happiness by feeling included.
*if they are like my in laws lol then I suggest u take caution before u say anything because sometimes it can push them further away and then it just gets a bit messy. Hope I've helped x x x
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