A
male
age
36-40,
*llavadeal
writes:Had been in a five year relationship. We were engaged til mid last year. My brother had been killed in war, shortly before christmas of 09. For kind of the first time in our relationship I wasnt able to tend to her needs as i was going through and still am a hugely traumatic experience. Like i said we had been engaged.I work long and hard hours and come home from work one night to a nearly empty apartment, with a note taped to the microwave. She had left but said its not over but that she needed to figure out some things. It took about 2 weeks for us to get on good footing to talking again. She had several barriers up. In all honesty I had started to drink hard after the death. It was very hard to sleep and very hard to deal with any emootions so i numbed myself. I am going to counseling now which has provided immense support and healing through this.The fiancee and I began to reconcile and move forward again, me more so than her, she always held a grudge for previous actions shorlty after his death. Things had been going very well, then she began to say some hurtful things to me, saying i used his death as a crutch amongst others. She began to hold certain material things over my head and highlighting certain areas i need to change. I openly acknowledged validity in her statements but would ask for support not being demonized. I honestly just needed some reassurance. None of her friends or peers or even mother look at my side during this whole experience. I have had a HUGE thing happen to me and on top of my brothers death my soon to be wife moved out. Talk about loss upon loss.Roughly 1 motnh ago, things turned differently than i had ever seen. She had asked why we hadnt seeked couples counseling, i let her know i couldnt this week as i had to work 12 hr days all week. I enly expressed that i agree that we should do counseling and it will help us clear the air. She then flip flops and says i dont want to. All of her friends and mother had been telling her for months she could do better, that shes the victim here and comments along those lines. Our relationship had been wonderful and at times difficult like any relationship. She is the kind to freely take any advice given. I tend to way it a bit more. A lot of advice she is takin, is from divorcees, single women who are permiscuos and so on, so none from what i would consider healthy relationships. I have been sober for a cpl months now and am routinely working out and trying to remain healthy. 3 weeks ago, she tells me she needs space and a break. She wouldnt talk with me about waht this meant for her. I would ask, so does this mean you want to see other people etc. Initially she said no, then about a week later on my way to work she said yes she does. She hihghlighted that she wanted things to be easier. She is now going to the bar fairly routinely and dating. There has not been any communication between us for about a week and a half now. She hold onto a lot of resentment towards me right now and apparently enojys the freely given attention she is recieving. She has come at me saying, i f***ed this up, its all my fault, that shes a catch and any man would want her, all incredibly hurtful things. She had said a couple days before febraury began that she didnt want to talk/ see me til march 1st. I looked at that as rediculous. I tried but could not not reach out to her. I do believe i hurt our chances to reconcile as to now there is no communication. She is really angry and victimizing herself and demonnizing me right now. I love her so much and asked her to marry me for a reason, and she did say yes. Her roommate has been texting me saying things like this is life people break up, i want her to see other people, and a bunch of other things that really make her come across like the view on our relationship is one of being insignificant. I am unsure on what i should be doing right now, I am trying to focus on myself and get my stuff in order. Im trying to switch jobs right now to get more normal hours which will be more condusive to a healthier relationship. Have been staying sober, which has been difficult these past cpl weeks, im trying to quit smoking. But this is the love of my life, i am hurt so much at the fact that there is no effort on repairiing or reconciling or even communication to help this situation. In all honesty it brings back a lot of pain at the fact that i can no longer reconcile anything with my brother, and that my ex fiancee is still alive and just a cpl miles down the road and we both have the power to change our current situation. Im at a loss right now, im really unsure on what to do. Again I love her immensely but strongly feel she does not want to deal with the fixable issues and like she said she wants something easy right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, if you have any other questions regarding circumstances let me know.
View related questions:
a break, christmas, divorce, engaged, fiance, moved out, my ex, needs space, roommate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ellavadeal +, writes (16 February 2011):
ellavadeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQueen Katie, I would like to say thank you for you post/advice. You are very right in a lot of aspects. First and foremost I have not truely understood the pain that I have undoubtedly caused to her through my suffering.
A
female
reader, Queen_Katie  +, writes (15 February 2011):
First of all, I'm extremely sorry for your loss. It's a huge thing to go through and unimaginably painful and traumatic for you. You are still really young so it's not surprising that you couldn't find the strength within yourself to cope with this without the help of alcohol. Props to you, however, for realizing that this was not the solution and for getting yourself sober. That takes real guts and commitment. Please keep up the fight - it is a long road, but you will get there. And your brother I am sure would not have wanted to see you an alcoholic.
Your relationship is suffering because of a major breakdown in communication and the critical thing is whether you are both willing to put down your defences, your excuses, your justifications and LISTEN to each other. A supportive, neutral environment like couples counselling is critical here. You don't just want to hear what the other person says, but actually to understand and sympathize with their point of view. Counselling should never be a process of apportioning blame, obtaining justice, or righting wrongs, and if either of you enter it in that spirit, it cannot help you to heal. Instead, it is a chance for the pair of you to switch perspective, and get yourselves back on a footing where you are able to move forward instead of being stuck in vituperation and recriminations about the past.
Your girlfriend sounds like she's incredibly hurt. I do wonder if you completely realize what you might have put her through. When we are grieving, the pain can seem so big, so world-encompassing, that we forget that anyone but ourselves can feel hurt. We can start to neglect the consequences of our actions on others because we're so raw inside. Alcoholism can be incredibly hard to live with, and it can be very difficult to put up with the emotional abuse and out-of-control behaviour that often goes with it. It's quite possible that your girlfriend's self-esteem is at zero right now, and when people reach that point, they tend to lash out at the person whom they perceive to be causing their hurt.
I would suggest that her attention-seeking behaviour is more designed to 'show you what you're missing' than to create new relationships. Even though they are destructive, all the actions she is taking are about YOU - you're still the centre of her world, the person she wants to prove something to. Even though she clearly feels that you don't appreciate her worth, this suggests to me that there is hope that you can change her mind.
You need to demonstrate your care here. You have taken steps to sort out your own life, but you need to take similar steps in an emotional direction to show your girlfriend that you love her and value her. That means that you stop engaging in arguments about who is to blame, and start to apologize for the things that you've done that have been wrong. I know that it's not all your fault, but if you show that you can take some responsibility for your side, and that you have genuine contrition about what has happened, perhaps she will feel more able to take responsibility for her part in the relationship breakdown too. Then you might both be able to move forward. Sometimes it takes one person to do the big, right, grownup thing to pull the situation around.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 February 2011):
To be honest I would call it quits. She's moved out and started dating other people already. All the signs she wants to move on are there. No use in beating a dead horse.
Right now, she's all about herself and you're all about you. Not that I can blame you, losing your brother which you were very close to is a tough blow and it keeps you reeling for a while. But you didn't handle it well. Alcohol is NEVER a solution and when used like one it turns into poison that only complicates your life unnecessarily. I saw one of my closest family members wreck his life like and it cost him his wife, just like it's costing you your fiancée.
When your brother died you were the victim in the relationship. When you started abusing alcohol you turned her into one as well. And now she wants freedom. I'm not saying the way she dealt with it was good, not at all. But there's guilt on both sides. And I doubt that you two can move past that without holding grudges. I think she's already given up.
You've already started taking matters in your own hands and cleaning up. That's great! I just can't press that enough. You have to do everything in your power to keep on the right track, make your brother proud. You can become happy and live a good healthy life with a supporting partner to stand by your side. I just don't think it's her.
If tragedy is good for anything it shows us how we deal with difficult situations and it shows us how strong our relationships are. Learn from this and start over with a clean slate. It's going to be hard, but it will be for the best.
...............................
|
