A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can i know that i'm ready for a sexual life with the one that i love if i tell you that i've gone through a sexual abuse when i was a child by someone so close to me, my brother.when i remember that i disgust sex ,do you think that i'll enjoy that with my partner without facing any problem?I guees no .plz can you help me.thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Heather Barnhart  +, writes (1 July 2010):
Always remember that we are not alone, we can help ourselves and there will be someone out there who will love us for who we are:About Me: My name is Heather Barnhart. I’m 20 years old and like many of you I was abused as a child. To say that last sentence out loud and without crying took years of progress and building up my self-image. My abuser was my older brother (by 5 years,) Jeremy. My hell started from when I was 8 till I was raped by him at the age of 15. I suffer from memory lost and still can’t remember major events in my life. My whole family knows what happened to me and I am still forced to interact with Jeremy. My mother denies the events through the use of god and demands that I forgive Jeremy, while my father blames me for letting it happen. We are not alone: I used to be a raging monster on the inside but now I am just an angry girl who is saddened by her lost of childhood. It was through searching out professional help (Not everyone who sees a therapist is crazy. It’s ok to ask for help sometimes) and speaking with others like me, that I claim down and saw that I was not alone and that my life could be worst off. Remembering this fact helped:No matter how bad it was for you, there is someone else, somewhere else that has it worst and could use your help.We can help ourselves: The more we talk about what has happened to us the more we can be freed from the shameful feelings that lay inside our minds. What happened to us was not our fault. They were the adults and they knew what they were doing was wrong. We are beautiful/handsome and should be proud of ourselves for coming this far and pushing forward in our lives. Sex is not a punishment. Sex is not dirty but another way of showing affection for someone. Deep down everyone has the possibly to be a good person. You are not a monster; you are just a hurt child on the inside that has a need for closure even if there is none to be given. Someone is out there waiting to love you: Let’s face it; we are afraid of being hurt, abandoned, and possibly falling into an abused relationship. It was in our own childhoods that someone who was supposed to care for us betrayed us. The idea of possibly having that happen to us again is fracking scary. 1st-You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Once this happens you will feel happier and more open to trusting other people. I know it sounds scary to trust someone. Built in order to have a health relationship it must be built on trust.Learn to let go of some of the anger. You have every right to be mad, I understand but until you get your angry under control people will feel uneasy around you and see you as unapproachable. Think about it, would you, yourself want to be around or in a relationship with the person who is are screaming, breaking object and throwing themselves into rants all the time. Realize that there more to your live then the abuse; don’t let them have this control over you. The abuse was a tragic piece of your life but it was only a part. You have the rest of your life to live.There is someone out there who will love you for who you are on the inside. They will love your mind, your body, and your odd little corks.
A
female
reader, Kiley Carpenter +, writes (19 April 2010):
I am 19 years old and my brother sexually abused me for 10 years. I have a boyfriend and we live together and I experience this same problem all the time. I never want to have sex and he thinks its because of him, and when I try to tell him he doesnt believe me. I love him, but the only time we have sex is when he wants to and I cant help it. I will not perform oral sex and he knows that but he will still try to get me to. Im not trying to make him out to be a bad guy bc hes not, I just wish he understood. I dont know if i will ever be able to enjoy sex the way others do. Also right before my brother stopped he gave me an std, and I have been trying to fight is since I found out when I was 14 and he stopped when I was 13. I now have the prestage of cervical cancer, and sometimes it hurts when I have sex with my boyfriend because of it. I dont really know the answer to your question, I hope that someday I will beat this and I will be able to have a normal sexual relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I experenced this also. Yes and NO. This can be mostly up to you. Depression and low self-esteem is high on the list of negative effects. Get counseling if you can. If not, there are a lot of self help books out there. Learn to love yourself and have self confidence. Be determine to know you are not like him. I was abused by my brothers at age 6-12 and then by my dad from about 12 to 15. I forgave them for it. I went on with a semi normal life. It took a long time before I didn't have some hang up about sex. Generally, it was a trigger - not all the time. I found as an adult I HATE child preditors. I just found out that my brother was molesting his granddaughters. I am just sick. I got physically very very ill. It triggered a lot of memeories. He is going to rot in jail and I don't care. Safer there for him than out...not just me saying that. I accepted what happen to me, but don't accept it on my great neices. When you have kids... tell them to tell no matter what. Teach them about people like this... even if it is dad or brothers or whoever. Protect them the best you can. I have 6 kids that I am very overly protective over. You will be okay, but there may be times something will trigger it. BE honest with your husband - he will care for you and understand if he is a good man. you can email me if you wish. [email address removed]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I was abused by my brother from the ages of 4 to 11. I am now 25. I have a lot of issues with my marriage. My self esteem is hardly there and our intimacy is not much either and causes many fights, self esteem issues, and arises other feelings. My battles are within my own mind. My husband does not seem to understand and thinks I should just be able to get over it. I have come to learn, I can't just get over it. I am going to need some help. I thought I was over it, but after much depression and talking with my best friend who is older and wiser than I, we concluded that I really do need counseling. I was offered counseling when I was younger but was too ashamed at myself and denied that I remembered anything. My brother in jail and has been for about 10 years. He is 32. I suggest you get counseling now so you can learn how to cope. That is how I ran onto your question. I have been looking to find material to help me. Good luck!!!!
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female
reader, Reina +, writes (26 August 2007):
How old were you two when this happened? Were you young children.. Or is he much older than you. I ask because children often experiment sexual contact with each other--even siblings, cousins, family in general. It's not uncommon;however if this was something else far different than two children not knowing what the hell they were doing, then i'd say you have some issues to sort out. do you have any idea the percentage of females that have been sexually abused within their lifetimes? It's pretty damn high. A lot women have the philosophy, "if it didn't kill me, it will make me stronger." Hell, I do. But it really depends on the severity of the abuse/molestation. Anyway, if it still bothers you, maybe you should seek counseling. It helps to talk about it. Another thing, maybe you want to address the issue with your brother. If what happened really plagues you though (to the point where you can't even think about being intimate with other people you care about), you really ought to talk to someone about it. I'm not sure you'll enjoy sex with your partner. When you're with your partner, push that crap that happened to you when you were younger out of your mind. I do doubt though that you will be thinking about what happened to you when you're having sex with your partner. Well anyway, good luck. Keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Sweetheart I could tell you many inspirational survivors story’s of people who’ve not only overcome their ordeal that being any kind of abuse, but fulfilled there ambitions in the end,
How does that make you feel relived? What if I told you that despite what happened to you are a brave strong amazing young woman with the ability to achieve great things and to love another beyond your wildest dreams,
And what if I told you that beyond this dark cloud that you can rise into the light and feel amazing joy, it will take you to believe in yourself to heal and repair yourself until you feel so strong and Joyful I know sometimes overcoming these fears can be scary but overcome these things you must and you will,
It will take help maybe from a good hypo therapist who will also council you then tap into you subcontinuos mind to remove all the things that have scared you and affected your life, I am acknowledging that you have been though a lot my dear but you have the rest of your life to live now and your brothers terrible sickness of his own mind,
cannot hurt you anymore because you and your powerful inner strength will not allow it anymore from this moment on if you so wish,
peace to you
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reader, duce00 +, writes (26 August 2007):
 This is a tough situation and I think you should take a therapists advice over mine or most anybody elses. That being said I will tell you my experience.Ive been in serious relationships with 2 women who have been sexually abused. One was a 5 year marriage and the other was 1.5 years long. My experience with both women was that they had serious self esteem issues and it affected many aspects of theyre lives. This did not take away from theyre desire for love and sex, I think it just made it more difficult for them to have functional intimate relationships. Please dont think my experience dictates anything about you or your future. If I could give you some advice Id say try to get some good counseling and work through the pain so that you can enjoy a better life. Think of it also as a service to the man you will one day settle down with and the children you may have. This kind of stuff needs to be dealt with or it comes out on your family. Mine wasnt about sexual abuse but I was definately abused and Ive worked really hard so that I can be a better man for my daughter. Its worth it and you deserve it!!
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