A
female
age
51-59,
*lskitten
writes:I feel so sorry for my mum. My brother is 26 going on 16, and is addicted to cocaine. He has gone through periods when he gets off it, but ends up back there. Our mum is adorable, but she is soft. She has spent all his life spending on him. He always nagged her til he got what he wanted as a child, and these days any money he gets goes on drugs and he is a stick insect now, so thin, mum has long ago stopped giving him money, but told him she's keeping his bank card and buying him food. So atleast he gets some food in him. But todays latest tactic is txting her saying he's going to get his legs broken if he doesn't come up with 80 quid. Had my mum on the phone to me crying because she's had enough now, she cant afford to give him anymore money, txt him back saying sorry cant help you anymore. And she's said to me she might have to move abroad to where family are, to get away from him, because she cant see him after he's been beaten black and blue, she's his mum, it will destroy her. I want to txt him and tell him what he's doing to our mum, but she doesn't want me to get involved. And doesn't want him putting pressure on me for money. Me and him were close until last yr but he borrowed a lot of money off me over the time and never paid it back, then took my car one night without my permission, and got caught drink driving. So even though he knows i love him, i stay away from him. And we just talk in txt.Should i txt him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Hi there, i don't if you'll read this. My big brother has had problems with drugs for as long as i can remember, i started avoiding him when i had my little boy 4 years ago ,he would call up and ask for money sometimes, i got so fed up that i told him to stop calling. Sometimes i'd see him on the street and keep walking... He wasn't bad person but i just felt like the only person that could help him was himself...He was found dead in his flat yesterday, he was 31 years old and words can't describe my grief and feelings of guilt.I'm never gonna get another chance. You've still got one, you will regret it if you don't try and help him.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 June 2008):
hlskitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for your responses. My mum went to the doctors this morning and she has got Roseacha, ive probably spelt that wrong. A red rash that affects the skin and eyes. Brought on by stress. The saddest part also is she lives with a guy, and he is no use to man nor ornament. But i guess with my mum being a caring person, he was attracted to her! He doesn't have any time for my brother and doesn't understand my mum is a good mum, and worries about her kids. Thinks she should be able to just detach from him and forget him. So thats also not helping her. But yes, she has joined a help group for families of drug addicts, but they haven't let her know yet when the group is actually starting up, so hopefully that will be soon.
She hasn't heard from my brother since yesterday, so i said i will try and contact him. Just to see if he is ok. The police turned up for him the other day, he has broken his bail conditions for when he took my car and got caught drink driving, so she doesn't know now if they have taken him in. Although i did say i reakon she would of had a call if that had happened.
I just hate knowing that she is so desperate now, that she's talking about moving away.
Its awful because my brother is a lovely guy, has a lot of good qualities, but i know you're right, its the drugs at the moment that are taking the nice parts of his personality away.
Thank you all again for your input.
Catch you soon.
C xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I know exactly how you feel I also have a older bro about 22 who's a drug addict and alcoholic and caused my mom to go bankrupt.People like this will never change,sorry to tell you this but it's the truth if he sticks around by you and your mom all he will do is bring you guys down even further.You should txt him and find out whats going on with the money situation and see if you can help in any way if you cant then oh well life's tuff
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Actually, Karen brings up a wonderful point. If texting him occasionally gives your Mom and the rest of the family some comfort and peace, knowing he's okay...I agree with her completely on that.
I had been emailing my son, reaching out and trying to talk him into counseling. But he has ignored all attempts the family makes towards contacting him. To save my sanity, my counselor has asked I lay low and stop contact. I do, thankfully, have a good system of keeping tabs on him...the outreach services workers on the street, keep me informed of his activities.
But if he were to come to my door for help or called, I would certainly do all I could to help him. Karen is right...keep the door open ajar for him. But please do not 'enable'him. If he asks for money, please say no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): You all need to stop giving him money. Let me reach out to you for a moment. I am so sorry for what you brother has done to his family. Your posting struck a deep, painful chord with me. My heart aches for your Mother. I am a Mother, going through the same gut wrenching throes of trying to save her own son from substance abuse. This has been a horrendously trying time for myself and my family. Some night's... the tears never stop flowing. I did the toughest thing I could do. Today, I finally made the decision to stop contact with him. He is only to contact me when he 'wants counseling and he wants to clean up his life and get back into school'. The police and youth services workers are aware of him. Their hands are tied until they catch him breaking the law. I hope it is soon. I hope and pray, the police pick him up with drugs in his pocket. I hope they take him into custody, I hope they fingerprint him, put him through the indignity of being around some hard nosed drug addicts....he needs a wake up call and fast. I also hope they lock him down in detox and get him cleaned up, and if he needs to go to jail or a juvenile facility, to do his time...I hope this happens before he's discovered dead from an OD. Because if he survives all this and sees the horrors...that may be what it will take to get him on track again. But...I grieve the loss, every-single-day and it's hell. .
One instinct a Mother has that never really goes away, is she wants her children close, (no matter their age) she wants to protect and defend them, with a vengenance. Your brother doesn't understand that, his drug has made him an uncaring selfish, empty person..he doesn't care, what you folks do for him. His morals and values are masked by his body's physical addiction and he will do anything to get that fix. And when he lies, manipulates and steals from his family, the guilt, the shame is too much for him and the drug offers a temporary reprieve from that. It's a vicious cycle and until he can face his demons and help himself and want help...he will destroy himself. He's not the same person anymore.
So let's take the focus off your brother for a minute. He is dealing with his own pain, something he doesn't recognize. Your whole family is in crisis as a result of your brother's addiction. I want to focus on Mom. Your Mom is in a state of grieving, 24/7...a state like one feels when we actually lose a child to death. She feels helpless and lost. Her heart is breaking, hun and I can't impress enough upon you, to hold her up, support her, encourage her. You need to be her rock. She also needs a family counselor to help her, she has to learn coping skills so she can have a balanced, happier life again. My most deepest worry is your Mom, will lose her spirit here, her health, the stress will kill her. She needs to disconnect herself from the addiction, not the person who your brother is...but his addiction. She has to be strong for the rest of you.
Sending your brother this email may not have any impact on him. But the best thing your whole family 'must' do, is tell him he is not to call, not to ask for money. The money train has stopped. And you must tell him, that he will risk " losing his whole family, everyone...if he doesn't get into a long term rehab program, today!" Tough love is the key. Do not enable him anymore. Enabling him is destroying him and it's destroying your mother and it's destroying your family happiness.. It's a big chance you take but all of you must have a family meeting and dicuss this and you must stick to it...don't waver. Your mother needs help coping. Take the focus off of your brother...and make Mom your priority. Hug her a lot, distract her, take her to the movies, take her shopping, go for a make-over...do anything you can to get her mind off her son. But please, get into counseling and focus on keeping Mom healthy and sane. She will need that. My heart goes out to you....please get help for Mom. Start with her family doctor and go from there. Another thing that will help Mom...is a support group for parents who have lost their children to drugs. I am involved in one right now and let me state...they are the most bravest, most courageous people I know. Amazing, generous people..I love them all! Just being with these people will help your Mother cope. My heart goes out to you all.... Hugs, Irish
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Ooh, this one is soo hard to hear, sorry to learn about your family's situation. I think I understand your dilemma, so let's think about this in separate areas.
First, I have to agree with you that you shouldn't financially help your brother to buy drugs. You've given him money already, and I think that any more cash will simply fuel his drub habit, not help him get the help he needs to be seeking. It's called tough love, I think. He might need to reach rock bottom before he acknowledges that he has a problem. So I support your decision in that regard. Think of it as though each of you were a ship on the ocean. You're tied together through bonds of love and family, but if one boat is sinking, and threatens to drag all the others down with it, you have to cut the rope. You have to do what is best for yourself and your own family, and you can't do that if you're at the bottom of the sea.
You keep in touch with him via texting, so at least you know he's out there and surviving somehow. I would continue that contact if I were you.
I'm not a counselor, nor do I have any experience with drug addiction, please keep that in mind.
On to your mum. Oh, this is such a hard place for her to be in, I'm sure. She wants to help her son, but can't. The fact is that any money she'd give him at this point would only go on to fuel the drug habit. It'll wind up with her being financially destroyed and he still won't have sought help.
I had a very close friend who was an alcoholic, she refused treatment, help, ignored pleas from family and friends to seek help. I hate to tell you this, but she did eventually die, I'm sure as a result of the disease.
I was so distressed early on when this became a huge issue, that I found an organization called Al-Anon, for the family and friends of alcoholics. You get support there, and learn what it is that you can do. I think this would be a good starting place for you and your mum to deal with this. It is for the family and friends of alcoholics, but it can't hurt to start there. The local chapter might also be able to help you find the right group for families of drug addicts.
Here's the website for the UK Al-Anon.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
So do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and emotionally balanced, and suggest to your mum that she seek some support for herself as well.
Cyberhugs to you, and I wish you and your family the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Dear, U should not leave him. U must help him by loving him and giving care.Infact ur his sister. Good luck.
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reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 I think you should help out. The truth is drugs are a very difficult thing to deal with for all of your family and by being his sister you are automatically involved.
Look for information and aid in the narcotics anonymous pages. There are also some Internet pages for family members on how to help loved ones with addictions. Your brother is not the only one needed the help, your mother and yourself do to.
My older brother had a very difficult time when younger (including jail and rehab) and my little brother was killed at 22. BELIEVE me it is very difficult to deal with, but you need to take some actions as a family to help out. Also, pray a lot and hope for the best.
Hope you are able to help him in some way! Best of lucks!
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