A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My brother died, suddenly, last week. I've gone through a range of emotions from total devastation when his life support was switched off and I saw him die to a numbness and now I just feel angry.Except I feel my anger may be mis-placed so I'm after some rational opinions. My girlfriend was at work and so understandably couldn't come to see me until a few days later. She was up early but went to the gym first and came to mine (I live half hours drive away) early afternoon. Again, this was fine. By this point I just needed some fresh air so we spent the afternoon walking my dog. When we got back to mine I went and picked us up a takeaway. Due to her early start (and I'm guessing here but I think a late night drinking) she was tired so after we'd eaten I said why don't we watch tv in bed. Thinking we'd watch some tv, but I could talk too and we could just hug. Some comfort you know? We went up at 8, by half 8 she was fast asleep so I was lay there until the early hours wide awake with all these random thoughts going around my head. Sunday I had stuff to sort out, going through my brother's paperwork so my mum didn't have to, ready for me to ring around and take care of all the practicalities Monday. My girlfriend went home then came back late on Sunday afternoon and was sweet really I suppose. She was next off work last night and this evening. Last night she said she had a million and one things to sort soI said that's fine I'll see you tomorrow (today). I've been back at work the last 2-days, she's on nights tomorrow. Instead of driving here and letting herself in she wanted me to go to hers, and said she's on nights tomorrow so would be staying up late. If that's the case why not come here then leave when I'm going to bed and go home? What did she think, that I'd drive there stay a couple of hours then drive home? I said I wasn't going around so have simply received and "ok" text back. Like she's hurt by my reaction.I now just feel she's not being very supportive and, perhaps a natural grief reaction, I have this anger about it. I know she loves me but I just think she ...well I don't know....but for example if it was me on that first night I could have been dog tired but I'd have sat upand talked to her all night if it helped.Am I being unfair to now have these feelings towards her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Yes I think you're being unfair. Maybe she is staying out of your way to give you alone time to grieve. I know when I am upset I just want to be left alone and not have to talk about my feelings. Also sometimes the best support is to carry on like everything is normal (because that feels comforting) and put on a brave front. Maybe that's what shes doing.If you want to talk, then talk. Don't expect her to initiate talking since she can't automatically know what you want.
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (10 January 2013):
Women aren't mind readers either mate!
If you want her to give you an ear you need to tell her "hey babe, I need some time to unload. Could you do me a solid and be an ear?"
If you need some quiet snuggle time to feel nurtured and loved tell her so!
She's tried to be sweet and supportive. However, she also very likely feels a bit like she's intruding. She knows you're hurting over something she can't fix. Her actions are telling you "I'm here" but you're unable to tell her "I need you".
Are you being unfair? Who cares! You have these feelings. Call her and ask her to come hold you while you unload, man!
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