A
female
age
51-59,
*unnygirl2
writes:I have been dating a guy for a year and a half and about 4 months ago he had an argument with one of his sisters over the father's will and she accused him of sexually abusing her while they were growing up. This took place over the phone but I was right there and heard everything. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard it. It hits way too close to home, as I too was sexually abused by my father when I was growing up. He denied the accusations and even called his ex-wife and daughters and they too said it was not true and the sister must have been making it up. I let it go after that but within a month I started having dreams about this and my feelings towards him started changing. I kept thinking how I would never really know the truth. I don't know what to do. Do I break up with him? If I don't will I ever feel totally convinced he is innocent? He is good to me and has never been anything but loving and respectful but this is a big one.... especially given my background. Help!!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I agree. Talk to the sister. Confront her yourself to find out the truth. As far as the dreams, have you dealt with your own abuseive situation. What happens is you were abused. Accusations against him come up, true or not, you regress back into the state of being the one who's abused.
Sexual abuse is difficult. Don't these parents and "adults" realize the long term outcome of their actions. They can abuse someone and still claim they love them. A bunch of selfish bastards. I have daughters myself and am a single parent. Hurting them in any way is the furthest thing from my mind. It's my job to protect them, and love them, and coach them into their growing up years. I learned how to jumprope, and yes they have put make up on me. I washed it off before any pictures could be taken. They are the love of my life, so to hurt or cause any abuse? I can't figure out people who do that, it's not love.
A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (3 February 2008):
 This could be true or it could not be. Even if it was, though, you don't know if she means when he was 7 or when he was 17. If it was when he was age 10 or under, he was just a kid, and he's a different person now. Small kids make mistakes--that's the nature of childhood. It's a learning period where children test limits.
I agree with the person who said you should talk to the sister face to face and tell her it really upset you. Ask her what happened, and you'll get your answer. If it was true, and it was serious, dump the guy b/c he lied to you. If it was only kind of serious, ask your boyfriend about it, saying that the accusation bothered you and you wanted her side of the story since there's two sides to every story. If it wasn't true, you should tell your boyfriend you talked to her and that she admitted she made it up. Then you can talk about how awful she is and how she's trying to ruin his relationship with you (which is what he wants to hear from you).
Relationships survive stuff like this. Regardless of whether you ask his sister or not, tell him you've been having dreams lately and that it's really bothering you. If he's as great as you think he is, he'll be concerned, not angry. If your relationship is serious, you should tell him about your father. If it's going to ever go anywhere, you'll have to talk to him about it eventually. Your relationship would be unhealthy otherwise b/c you'll always be suspicious.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I really don't know what to say. Personally I would try and talk to the sister, face to face. Ask her about it and see her reaction. Your get the answer there
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Look, the fact of the matter is... just because someone accuses someone of something, it doesn't mean they are automatically guilty.
No matter what happened to you in your past, you cannot take it out on the man in your life. And I understand how close to home such an accusation would hit, but you are a grown woman now. Its time to move on.
So you are bound by your agreement to date to stand by the guy until such time as you deem the relationship not viable or if the accusations turn out to be true.
The fact you mention the sister had said nothing of this until they were fighting over a will means there is at least some part of you that thinks this sister is just trying to discredit him and keep him out of said will.
Has this man done anything before to make you mistrust him? If not then stick by him, because if it turns out his sister is just talking trash, then you will be sorely disappointed with yourself for letting your own misgivings about your own past interfere with your present and possible future and the demons from your past will have won over you.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, xdarkendhopex +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Well do you think he is capable of doing that? I suggest that you think of the man you love, and think if he could ever do something like that. Maybe get a couneslor for him and his sister and they can talk about their childhood and maybe get some secrets out.
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