A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know it's going to make me sound like a bitch but I am struggling with something and in need of advice.I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years.A couple of weeks ago he proposed to me. And I said yes. But it didn't feel right. He went out and got a ring spontaneously in the morning, by the afternoon he had given it to me by saying "will you marry me?". He didn't plan it at all. According to him he had no idea he was going to propose until the morning he got the ring.The proposal itself was... nothing special I guess. What bothers me the most is that he did it in such a rush, with no thought or planning at all. He didn't even know he was going to do it, until he did it. I guess I always assumed that he would be more careful about asking me to marry him? It seems like a big question, not the sort of thing you do on a whim. When he told me that he hadn't planned it at all I felt even more disappointed about the engagement. I was shocked by it but not in a good way. I feel sick and anxious. I said yes because I know I want to marry him but inside as I said it I just wanted to go throw up. Because I thought that after 6 years together he would know me better than to just... ask... He didn't plan it at all. I am happy to be engaged to him but every time someone asks me how he proposed I feel sick again. It doesn't feel right. It was too rushed. And there was no reason for it to be rushed- we've been together for years, taking things slow, so why couldn't he just wait a week after buying the ring to really think about it? I feel very uncomfortable and disappointed and I can't shake the feeling though I have tried. I just try to forgot how he proposed to me and focus on the future but whenever someone asks how he proposed I relive those feelings of anxiety, disappointment... I suppose I always imagined and wanted my engagement to "feel right" and make me feel happy. It doesn't feel right. I can't get over the fact that he didn't even plan it 12 hours in advance. I feel like our relationship deserves more than that and that he totally ignored my feelings on the matter when he decided to ask. What do I do?
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female
reader, independantlady  +, writes (18 April 2010):
My goodness, reading your post made me feel so much better as i have a very similar experience of my own and can empathise with your situation!I've been with my guy for three years and one night when we were having a bit of a row he blurted out that he'd been planning to propose the following weekend and that he even had a ring picked out. It totally surprised me as while i knew we'd be together, i had no idea that he was at this place...and i was also completely devastated that he'd spoiled the surprise - as it would have been the best surprise ever!At the time i thought that we might as well go ahead with it, i knew he had a ring, knew his plans so why not? But it was just the worst most unromantic moment of my life! Not only did i know what was coming, he didn't do all the cute stuff that he'd had planned so basically he just gave me the ring and that was it!That was 4 months ago and i am totally devastated about it. I completely know what you mean, people constantly ask about it and when you are a bit disappointed with 'your story' it just continues to rub salt in the wound - it's only meant to happen once right? I don't think it's too much to ask that your one proposal is one to remember.I also think it's unfair for people to criticise, different things matter to different people and that's what makes the world go round.I hope that you work out a solution that makes you both happy...i think that you probably do need to talk to him but it's a delicate one! Good luck x
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 April 2010):
 Don't be a pessimist and look at everything in a negative way.Be an optimist and see things positively.
Always try to look at things in a positive way and you will enjoy a better life.
Count your blessings !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): When you know it you know it. He pbviously just knew it in his heart that day, and the thought of marrying you must have crossed his mind at some point, he just didnt know how to plan it out. Could be nervousness, could be anything, but he took a spontaneous shot at it. I find that quite romantic actually! When you tell someone how he proposed, do you say "he went down on one knee and asked me" or do you say "he woke up one morning and realized he wanted to marry me, so without further waiting he ran to the jewelry store, bought me a ring and asking me right off the bat". Sounds romantic to me.
If it still doesnt feel right, why did you say yes? Maybe you should buy him a band (ring) and propose back? Plan yours out and get the special event you were thinking of.
Personally, I think you might have been playing this happening out so many times in your head that unless he did exactly what you've secretly been thinking of, he'd fail.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (5 April 2010):
 I had a similar experience, and instead of being gutsy and just saying it like you, I just held it in and felt horribly guilty for such thoughts. I loved him like crazy, but I was a tiny bit disappointed with the proposal. And I felt like scum for feeling that way. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't about HIM, it was all because of these fantasies of proposals for the years before he asked.
Here's the deal. One day, this proposal, even if it's not the fairy tale, will be your story. And when it comes down to it, it's not the proposal, wedding or honeymoon that matters, it's the amount of love and security you feel with each other. It's about your entire lives together. And while it might be hard to see now, one day you'll really like your engagement story. My fella proposed when we were watching a DVD of the Beijing Olympic opening ceremonies, while eating Chinese food, me in my sweats, mouth full. And yes, I had spent a lot of time imagining the big moment - and this wasn't it. And I said yes, because I was thrilled to marry him, but a part of me was bummed out that it wasn't the big proposal I had imagined.
Did I say anything? NO. Do I recommend you say anything? NO. Because you'll learn that there's more to marriage than the proposal. And, maybe (probably... definitely...) this story will turn into a cute one - he woke up one more, saw your face and said "today is the day I'm going to ask her to marry me", and in the excitement, he bought a ring and had to propose, he couldn't wait.
If you love him, you'll see the forest for the trees. He wants to marry you! He adores you and wants you to be his wife. The way he asks you isn't important. It's not what will be important 50 years from now.
I feel your pain, I went through it too, but pretty much I got over it and realized how lucky I was to have such an amazing, awesome fella who loved me enough to want to spend the rest of time with me. And that thought alone is better than any fancy proposal.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 April 2010):
So you would rather turn down the proposal until he asks again in a better way? Assuming he would. I think women underestimate the sheer terror a man can feel when it comes to personal things like this, He just decided that one day he wanted to marry you, so just did it. All right, so it wasn't planned. Does it really matter? He wants to marry you. The man was probably terrified you would say no, hence why he rushed it as he did. The other posts are right. Women are lead on by Disney films and all those other romantic films to believe that a man will do something huge. If anything, you fiancé has done it right. He has completely made his decision. He didn't have to think about it at all. He just did it. That means more than doing something big only for him to run at the last minute, as often happens. So you need to make a decision. Can you accept his way of proposing, or do you want to turn him down in the hope he will come back? Because if you turn him down, he won't. He'll guess you don't love him and will walk. He wants to marry you, and that's what matters. So get planning your dream wedding instead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): I think marieclaire is right, we watch to many movies and expect a big romantic proposals. Well, I know I didn't get one, however they propose there is always the story to tell about how it happened. Relax sweetheart and enjoy being engaged, if you carry on like this you are going to spoil what should be happy time in your life.
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A
male
reader, OrangeJuice +, writes (4 April 2010):
 It is certainly a bummer that he did not make you feel special on the day he proposed. But is that really necessary? why is it that he has to go through all the planning and work just to make you happy with a trivial matter like how he proposed to you. If you will be happy in the future with this man, i think you should really try to get over this because yes it is a big deal that he asked you to marry him, but it is not such a big deal how he did it. Im sure he thought about it many times before, he was just eager and now the deed is done, and he wants to be your husband and you seem to want to be his wife. That should be what counts.
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