A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and we have a pretty good relationship and I love him very much. He does a lot of nice things for me and with me and I do the same for him too. We are in a same sex relationship.He has trouble opening up at times which can be really frustrating at times but I do what I can to let him know that he is safe to open up and talk and I am not going to hurt him or anything like that. He doesn't give out compliments easily either, which is also frustrating as sometimes we all need to hear a little something nice from our partners.In our first month together, he rang me after a few drinks and told me he only had eyes for me and I told him that I only had eyes for him too (and have only had eyes for him since we met). Recently, however, I have noticed that he has been perving at other guys. He does it when he is with me and it makes me feel uncomfortable and a little awkward.Should I ask him to not do it whilst he is with me? and does it mean he does only have eyes for me even if he does look at other guys?Thank youBen Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lerato29  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 looking is natural just trust him and enjoy yoself,stop worrying about it.
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Theres looking, which is perfectly natural and we all do it. And im sure you accept that. Then theres "perving". Which can be embarrassing and unsettling for a partner. If your boyfriend was single for a while before you met him, he may still be in the habit of eyeing up other guys. And showing a level of interest inappropriate for someone in a relationship. Try mentioning that you dont feel comfortable in his company while hes doing it. He might not be aware that his body language is suggesting hes still looking for someone. So point out how the "perving" makes you feel and im sure if he only has eyes for you, he will adjust his behaviour and tone things down. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Lol, I'm sorry, I honestly thought you were a girl, soooooo that changes everything.. If you're both men and he's checking out other men, it's okay. You have nothing to worry about, because the more he looks, the more he'll realize he's with the right person. Comparing is healthy, and keeps you tuned into your relationship at hand.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker  +, writes (16 September 2010):
I wouldn't worry about him checking other guys out. That doesn't mean that he isn't loyal to you. They don't mean anything to him, you do. He's just being a typical guy.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I like Joe 158's answer. Gay or straight, men will look just to look. Women do the same thing but were just more nonchalant about it. Next time you catch him just playfully tell him to put his tongue back in his mouth. He'll get the point that he needs to focus on you.
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male
reader, Joe158 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Puzzle Solver, they are both guys ;)
And to answer the question, that's what guys do. It is in our nature to be very sexual beings (obviously varies from person to person).
If he has said he only has eyes for you whilst under the influence, I would be worried that it was just the drink talking. However, if he did mean it, then there's nothing to fear.
Now I have to say, a lot of people (men and women) seem to find this difficult to process. I don't mean to cause offence or anything, but just because you've fallen in love with someone (and them with you) it doesn't suddenly mean everyone they would usually be attracted to disappears. Me and my boyfriend both look at other guys. We're monogamous, and we don't go off with them. But you're allowed to look. I find it frustrating when friends say "My Boyfriend keep looks at other girls"... I just say "Well he's still a man, just because he loves you, doesn't mean he can't find other girls attractive. As long as he is loyal to you and doesn't cheat on you there's no problem". It's usually an insecurity the person has, worrying he will run off with someone else.
As for making you feel uncomfortable that could be an insecurity you have in the relationship. After all, you've only been dating 3 months. I would say just let it go for now, as long as you've clarified its a monogamous relationship then there is nothing to worry about. In time you'll have better trust for him and hopefully won't mind him looking, I mean do you find other men attractive. Walking down the street and some hottie walks past you, do you think "Wow"?
HOWEVER. If after a long period of time, and you're still dating, and it still makes you uncomfortable, then just sit him down, and very calmly say how it makes you feel. If he's a nice guy then he'll do his best not to look, if not, then he's not worth it. At the same time you have to realise it's not fair to say "Don't look at other guys". It's basically denying a person of who they are.
I guess another thing to think about it HOW he is looking. Does he just follow with eyes and occasionally have a look back for a last glimpse? Or is it full on obvious staring at every guy he sees, forgetting what he's talking about and just stares? If it's full on, maybe suggest him it's rude to stare in a funny way? But if it keeps on sit him down and talk.
As I said, it's only been 3 months, calm down and just see where it goes. Maybe after a month or so he'll stop looking at guys so often. But I wouldn't expect him to stop altogether, and I hope you look at others too. It's in our nature.
Another thing to try is if he is staring full on at people, why don't you try it? See if it annoys him. If it does you can say "Well you do it too", but say it in a joking way, not a mean way.
I hope this helps, reply back with any feedback or progress on your situation :)
Joe
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): You might be the one girl he has eyes for, but I have a feeling he'll come out after a few years together, and any life you have with him will be shattered once he confronts his true sexuality, which I don't feel he's being fully honest about. I personally know of a couple different people that's happened to, and they started out with the same signs.
It doesn't matter what his sexual preferences are, but not being honest about them is something to be highly concerned about, since ones who are in denial of their sexual preferences often openly acknowledge their true sexuality when it's way too late, and they've already had a wife and kids for a few years. Just make sure he's completely honest with you about what his interests are, and if you feel he's hiding something, your gut feeling's most likely correct.
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