A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice!So, my boyfriend's stepmom just came here recently from another country about two days ago and she's already complaining about america (She will also be getting citizenship through this marriage, so I still don't know why she complains). She doesn't even do anything that helps the father (like she doesn't cook or clean or work, nothing). All she does is complain or make their lives harder. She complains about starving or is always wanting new things like towels (even though they are new but just recently washed). They are also living in an urban area and it has a nice community, so i don't understand what she has to complain about compared to what she had in china which was nothing. She invested all her money in something, so she came here with absolutely nothing except complaints (which seems kind of weird.Why would you spend all your life's work in one investment). My boyfriend's father also had to pay off a debt of hers to her family, which I don't understand at all. Why would his father have to pay of her debt, which is only a debt that her family put on my boyfriends family. Also, the way she dresses is kind of inappropriate too (like image a grandma dressed in heels and etc), why would she dress like that? Is she trying to attract my boyfriend or other guys? or am I just crazy? Also, for some reason I have a bad intuition about her and I simply just don't like her. Is that bad of me? Am i just crazy for thinking this way? Also, I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and when I went over to his house everything seems fine and normal (peaceful). But now, I feel like the stepmom has upset the balance and is always just upsetting the father and causing trouble. Also, I heard that a lot of the family members and the grandparents of his father do not like this stepmom. Should I try to like her? or continue disliking her? What should I do??
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 You don't have to like her, as long as you can stay civil and polite. You may want to try and give her a chance and see if she improves once you know her better, or you can decide it's not worth the trouble and you'll go by your knee jerk reaction, that's totally up to you , as long as you can keep things at least formally civil.
What you ( and your bf ) should do, though, is stopping being so judgemental and critical and meddlesome, about things that are none of your business anyway. You don't want to look like a pair of old gossipers do you ?
So what if she wear heels, does she have to get your approval before buying clothing items , do you ask her permission before you buy shoes ?
What's it to you if she complains, let her complain- and maybe try to put herself in her shoes. Have you ever emigrated ? it's TOUGH. You leave behind all that's known and familiar to you, ...maybe for something better, but the beginning is hard, new costumes, new people, new habits and foods , new sights sounds and smells...My first 6 months in the States were sheer misery, and I spoke an excellent English !, imagine if you are not fluent in the local language . In time ,not only I got used to my new life, I got to LOVE it,absolutely love it, but, sheesh, two days and you want her already perfectly adjusted ? ..
The money thing, then: that's funny . What do you care if she wants new towels ?! Who are you to dictate what she should be spending money on ? Does she tell you guys not to buy snacks or videogames or magazines or whatever is it that you are buying ? Would she have the nerve to tell YOU that you are not allowed to get a new coat, say, because the one you have is still good ?
And as for the loan, why her husband paid her debt... probably because he IS her husband, and wanted to do something nice for his wife. He could have bought her a car, or a jewel ( would you have objected to that too ? ), instead he paid her debt.
Live and let live, and accept that people are under no obligation to live their life and make their choices and spend their money the way YOU think they should.
If their ways are so deeply unacceptable to you, fine, you don't have to be bosom buddies , you can ignore them and limit your social contacts to a polite bare minimum.
Other than that , if you and your bf have so much time and thought to spend over what his relatives say about his stepmother... I'd say that you must be stuck in a groove and you need some new project or hobby to pour your energies into, and to make your life more entertaining.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): -Reply-
How she dresses doesnt really bother me that much, just minor. What bothers me the most is her complaints. & my boyfriend is always telling me about her complaints and stupid stuff she does, I'm not hearing it for myself because she can only speak in chinese. I can understand alittle but not much. And I don't think it's just rumors because my boyfriend told me directly because he heard it from his relatives and he told me. In a way, he's the one who's telling me all this stuff about her and it gets me upset (about her complaints). He doesn't really say anything good about her. I actually didn't think nothing of her until I heard alot of bad stuff from my boyfriend and in a way I began to see the flaws out more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): Your being unreasonable just because she dresses up,wears heels so what??she likes looking pretty..who said its for your boyfriend,it can be for her future husband..
Stop thinking so much and get to know her better!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Old enough to be a grandma here (my kids are just not cooperating).... I wear heels, short skirts, makeup, nice hair and look pretty hot for my age...
1. she's not after your bf who is like a child to her trust me...
2. you need to settle down and stop over thinking this sweetie..
3. stop feeling so insecure that's what's causing the issues.
as you and your boyfriend mature and grow you will learn that what goes on in others lives is not your issue or problem.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Really there is nothing unusual here. There is a new woman in your life and you are suspicious, and resisting the change. A most common and natural reaction. The Step mom to be is in a new place with new customs and mew people. She is going to be lost confused and sometimes resentful. Right now she needs to secure the relationship with the Dad, so she is going to dress as well as she knows how. Relatives had emotional connections with the ex wife, of course the will resist any new connection. This is all to be expected. Just because it is new to you does not make it wrong.
You asked, what should you do? You should have some empathy, try to see things from her point of view. Get to know her, it will broaden your perspective and make you a better person. Befriend her and get her on your side. Having his mom on your side will help your relationship with him. Go shopping with her, show her around.
FA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Instead of deciding whether to like or dislike her after only two days why dont you give her a chance.
I think you are making snap judgements based on biases, you are making judgments about her background and country, how she dresses, her financial status, none of this stuff is any of your business, none of your boyfriends financial situation is your business, and you have heard that other people in the family don't like her either. Gossip and rumours! So many opinions being formed and exchanged and she has only been in the country for two days. Welcome to America!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2012):
 I'm a grandma and I wear heels and etc. Just saying. I think you need to relax and make sure you don't add to problem. Things may settle down on their own, after all it's your boyfriend's family not yours.
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