A
female
age
41-50,
*abrina2012
writes:I started dating again someone that I had a brief relationship (for 2 months 2 yeas ago).This time things are more serious, we got back together 3 months ago, we already talked about the idea of moving together, if things go well having a baby etc. (He is 38 I am 33) and he told me he never loved anyone else the way he loves me BUT...He has an ex wife (no kids) whom he dated for 2 years and was married for 5. She left him, went to a different state for work and just after two years they got a divorce, that was 3 years ago. The problem I have is that he talks to her every week over the phone and she even sends him things thru the mail like books . He told me he doesn't have a lot of friends and he likes talking to her etc. I can't take it and I can't fake it. He thinks I am controlling etc and gets mad when I tell him I can't take it and its a deal breaker. What to do? This is driving me crazy , when he says anything about her or shows me the book she sent to him I just want to break up and run. Mm I being immature ? The woman lives in California and we live in chicago.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 If you can't deal with it then just leave. He's not going to stop talking to her, even if he says he will. He'll just talk to her behind your back. Either way its going to be a stale-mate if you can't learn to deal with it. I think its immature to expect him to give her up as a friend, especially when they've been friends for 3 years and not gotten back together again. What are you worried about?
A
male
reader, d2001d +, writes (6 June 2010):
All good answers above, but none can hit the mark unless you make your situation less ambiguous: do you know the ex-wife? If not, why not? Is he keeping her from you at all? Does the ex have her own boyfriend now? Or is she being co-dependant with him? Does he tell the ex you are jealous? Which by the way is the worst emotion to ever have. Why did she leave your guy and what does he say about how they broke up? That in itself would reveal slot about what's going on.
But without more info, Answers are all just shooting in the dark.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (6 June 2010):
 You are not being immature. Your b/f seems to be hanging onto her because he still has feelings for her (This is common for the person who got dumped) But if the two of you are to have any kind of future together, he needs to start weening himself off of her "friendship". I suspect he doesn't have any friends, because he doesn't put forth the same kind of effort he puts into the "friendship" he has with his ex-wife. She probably doesn't even know you exist and she thinks she's helping him "therapeutically" by contacting him and sending him books. The first thing that needs to happen, is the two of you need to sit down at the computer, and he needs to draft a really nice e-mail telling her he has met someone else and thanks for the books, but things are going to be busy in his life from here on out as he begins to pursue the relationship with you. (That's a nice way of saying "I'm okay, you don't need to keep sending me stuff") Then if she continues to write him emails he should simply not respond to them. This will send a message to her, that he is moving on and she doesn't need to keep worrying about his psyche anymore. You are not being controlling, you are trying to set the tone for a trusting relationship if you are going to have one, he will see this and understand. And if he truly is not still in love with his ex, and hoping she'll back, he'll be happy to curb the communication and allow your relationship to grow without the shadow of her presence hanging over you. Just be calm when you tak to him, make it sound rational and not angry and hopefully he'll realize it's time to cut the ties.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (6 June 2010):
Probably lots of women would feel the same way. But in my opinion, it is HE who should be "breaking up and running." For seven years, this was the most important person in his life. Despite divorcing, they managed to salvage a meaningful friendship out of it. Their lives are better for having each other than they otherwise would be. Now do you think your man wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman who can't tolerate this situation? Who wants all the attention on her, all the time? Who has such trust or self-esteem issues that a mature, platonic friendship with someone who is practically family is UNACCEPTABLE?? If I were him, it would already be over.
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