A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,Long story short my boyfriend and I have been together for roughly 2 years. Our relationship is the kind where we spend lots of time together (every night together even though we live apart), school, groceries, getting a snack at 2 in the morning. When he hangs out with his friends I'm automatically always invited and gradually I've become part of his friend circle. It's been like this for 2 years where we would spend all are days together (not just by ourselves but we would visit family daily, and friends) until recently when his close guy friend moved out of his parent's house into his own apartment by himself.His close friend, I'll call Nick invites him over to his apartment everyday ever since day one when he asked my boyfriend to help him move in. Initially, I would come hang with them too but Nick specifically would play videogames for only two people and not hand me a controller and try to sit in between my boyfriend and I. Also, whenever we try to head back home, Nick always mentions something him and my boyfriend could do next time so that my boyfriend will come over again (i.e. we didn't finish this movie, or we should try this new game next time, or I have these burgers I want you to try next time) There were a couple times while I was busy packing to move out of my own apartment where I wouldn't hang out with my boyfriend and Nick and my boyfriend would leave early in the morning (10 or 9 am) and not come home until 10 or 11 in the evening (the entire day spent with Nick). It was like this almost DAILY.There was a party at our friend's house last weekend where Nick came and as soon as he saw my boyfriend he gave him a huge hug and started joking around with him without talking to anyone else at the party. When my boyfriend sat on the opposite side of the room as Nick, Nick started complaining and asking him to sit on the couch with him. It's getting to be a little bit worrisome for me since I've realized my boyfriend and I, ever since Nick moved into a apartment near my boyfriend, haven't spent an entire day together. It's been roughly 3 months of this. It got to a point where my boyfriend had an assignment due that was worth 10% of his course grade and he ended up handing it in a week late because he's been spending most of his day at Nick's house. I had offered to help him out with his assignment and my boyfriend said I could come over in the evening, however, when I came over he had told me he was too tired to work on anything since he had spent the entire day with Nick. There have also been several times where my boyfriend's phone hasn't been working and Nick would text me and ask where my boyfriend and is and why he didn't come over to his apartment that day in a slightly upset/offended kind of way. I'm not quite sure what Nick's intentions are, but I really feel like Nick isn't letting my boyfriend go. My boyfriend and I are both in university with full course loads and Nick is neither working, nor in school which makes me wonder how he's affording his apartment, food, necessities etc. My boyfriend isn't in a situation like him since he has co-op, school work, and family matters to tend to on a daily basis and I feel like because of Nick, he's been neglecting a lot of things he usually gets done. My boyfriend hasn't been eating very well lately and says he feels constantly anxious. I feel like it may be Nick taking up so much of his time and being difficult to say no to hanging out with but I'm not sure how to convey this without sounding like I'm jealous or condescending of their friendship.. Help would greatly be appreciated,Thanks
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jealous, moved in, moved out, text, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, auntieJ +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Please don't take any of what am about to say in the wrong way!
Does your boyfriend socialise with his friends without you regularly?
If you are always about maybe Nick feels that he does't get to spend any quality "guy" time with your boyfriend.
I know that sounds silly but I socialise with my boyfriend & his friends very often,his best friend hadn't seen my boyfriend separately in a few weeks & started to act rather strangely. We normally get on really well but he started to be rude to me & be almost silent when I was n the room. So I encouraged my boyfriend to have a boys night out with him & he revealed that he'd been having some family issues & had wanted to talk about it but not whilst I was around.
On the flip side though your boyfriend really shouldn't be letting uni work slide just to hang out with a friend.
Has your boyfriend said he's not comfortable about the way Nick is behaving?
If so then you need to have a chat before it gets much worse!
Just put across to him that you know that Nick is an important person in his life but that you feel that he's taking up too much time in his life & he has more important things in his life to concentrate on like his studies.
That he should maybe have a talk with Nick about how this is impacting on his life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): This is just a thought but is "Nick" gay? I only ask because I endured a similar situation - not the same but similar - years ago and it actually ended up ruining things between me and my partner. To cut a long story short, my boyfriend had a friend who was extremely sociable but also an expert in using people - ie. he'd be charming, great fun, very socially orientated, but would always make sure he got what he wanted from them - and, back then, he had not 'come out' at all. After we all left university, I moved to the city where my boyfriend lived and although we didn't live together I had hopes that after a while we would. As it turned out, this guy managed to live with my boyfriend for free, for over a year, sleeping on his sofa whilst he paid off all his student loan and college debts. He then moved into a lovely apartment and years later is doing extremely well financially, with several properties. BUT the thing that upset me then and upsets me now is that he ruined any chance of my boyfriend and I becoming really stable as a couple because he was ALWAYS in my boyfriend's life, ALWAYS in his flat whenever I went over there AND he was - it's so very clear now - VERY attracted to my boyfriend but without having 'come out' as gay. Whilst sociable to everyone, he was clearly, in retrospect, not only using my boyfriend for financial reasons but was also testing out his own sexuality - he was basically trying to 'couple up' with my boyfriend - although he paid no rent or bills he did things like took my boyfriend on a paid holiday together for two weeks, and was always taking him out on what I now see were 'dates' for the two of them. Because he wasn't at that stage openly gay, and because he was male, I felt I was being unfair to point out that it was basically like my boyfriend had another partner. Years later I feel very, very angry with this friend for not being upfront and honest with himself or with us. The amount of confusion it caused me and my boyfriend and the strain it put on our relationships was enough to ruin it. Had this friend been female and doing all these things with my boyfriend then it would have been perfectly obvious what was going on. But I feel our friend did not take responsibility for his sexuality and 'hid' behind the fact that he was male, pretending to have an intimate friendship with my boyfriend whilst all the while he was exploring his gay sexuality and hoping that somehow it would all work out. I couldn't do anything because my boyfriend was oddly entranced by the quality of attention that this man was giving him - without being openly gay he was making a huge fuss of my boyfriend and making him feel very special and bonded to him. Looking back I am furious with this friend for what he did - he was older than both of us and I feel his lack of responsibility for his sexuality and his inability to face up to it wrecked our chances of becoming a proper couple. I was put in a competitive situation, but without it being openly competitive.
So when I read your post it rang so many alarm bells as it sounds very similar. Especially when you said your boyfriend feels anxious - at one stage my partner was like this and I think it was because he suspected our friend was gay and was starting to feel uncertain about his own sexuality. In terms of the financial situation of Nick - how is he living? Is he dealing drugs? This would be my first thought, if he has no job. And is your boyfriend getting caught up in that as well? My advice would be do NOT take the accepting and passive route - I did this and I completely regret it. Don't guilt trip yourself into feeling that you can't speak out - it's really important that you find out what's really going on - and bear in mind that your boyfriend may himself feel very confused.
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