A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I just wanted to run something by you girls and guys, see what you think.When I started going out with my guy we were talking about perfumes and stuff and he said that his favourite perfume was Flowerbomb.(this is a perfume ive always really liked to never worn since its too expensive). I wear a lovely flowery bodyspray that he loves the smell of. A little bit along the line we had some issues about him still being overfriendly with his ex etc... i asked him during this time if she in fact ever wore that perfume, he swore that she didnt. anyway a couple of times its come up in conversation(or arguments) and he's said no, she never did and that it was a middle-aged customer of his that he smelled, like it and asked her what she was wearing and has liked it since. he said his ex never wore it and he actually was considering getting it as a present for me once. However, I don't know what it was but from the very first moment he said he had a favourite perfume, i thought there was more to it. guys dont usually have favourite perfumes, or know the name of a perfume, and definately not him, he wouldnt be able to name any other type and cant remember what he did 2 minutes ago, let alone a name of a perfume.I bought the perfume and wore it, and he noticed straight away, and all he said was' are you wearing a different perfume', he knew what it was but he didnt say it.I told him. It turns out his ex did wear that perfume. It wasnt until after i dont know how many times i asked him and how many times he swore otherwise, but he told he had lied to make me not think he liked it because of her. He also said that the bodyspray i wear (that he always liked) he thought always smelled really like Flowerbomb. ? what does that say? ive thought about it alot, and it bothers me, especially the fact that theres been issues about this particular ex since.I know that smell is the strongest of all the senses linked to memory and it feels like deep down, that smell reminds him of her. And the scent I always wore, to him, smelled really like that.It makes me feel horrible and like he was with me and wasnt over her.And me wearing this perfume reminds him of her(even if it is subconcious) :-(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Men don't know perfumes ? Are you sure?...All the men I have been with had a favorite woman 's perfume and could name a few others. Then again, I have always liked metrosexuals:)
I'd say you are overthinking this . Yes, perfumes sort of " cut " into your senses and memory and create powerful subconscious associations. It does not mean they make you MISS the person who used to wear them. My first love used to wear Brut by Faberge ', I still love the perfume, it sort of means sensuality and romance to me- but the guy, I barely can remember his name and, most of all, I can't remember what the heck did I find so special in him.
I understand you may be worried because of the silly convoluted lies he came up with , rather than simply saying : yeah, Flowerbomb, nice, also my ex used to wear it. It may be either he assumed ALl women are extremely jealous creatures whose paranoia is unleashed by the smallest detail,- or that in the past , with words or actions, you in particular had given him REASON to think that, and he just wanted to avoid all the fuss.
Pardon me if I say that, by the way you are reacting, I think it is more the second option....
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 " guys dont usually have favourite perfumes, or know the name of a perfume, and definately not him, he wouldnt be able to name any other type and cant remember what he did 2 minutes ago, let alone a name of a perfume."......I beg to differ. There are actually quite a few straight guys who can rattle off their favorite women's perfume, usually more than one.
To you it says, he wants you to smell like his ex. Is that what you're getting at here?
To me it says, he likes this scent which his ex happened to wear. Does it remind him of her? Possibly. But now that you bought and wore it, the scent has a whole new female attachment. Flowerbomb no longer ='s his ex. Now, Flowerbomb=you.
How long after his ex dumped him, did he get with you? Just curious to see if he was allotted time to grieve then move on with his life.
Only you can tell if he still has a thing for his ex. If you feel in anyway that he still has feelings for his ex 3 years later, then it's best to ditch him. Why date someone who can't give 100% in a relationship because 20% of them is still left behind in the previous relationship?
For the most part, I also believe you're causing a fuss about the perfume. If you don't want to wear the scent because you still think he associates it with his ex, then toss the bottle and wear whatever other scent from the perfume counter (excluding Flowerbomb). Then proceed to let questions of his ex, and this perfume situation go.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You're giving 'way too much time and mental energy to a "non-issue".....
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 September 2011):
 i really think you are reading too much into this. i have a favourite after shave and i love it if a guy even walks past me in the street wearing it. i know a few of my exes have worn it, but i cannot even remember which ones now. my love of that smell remains, even though my love of the people who have worn it is long gone!
x
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 There may be something, but I don't think the scent alone is indicative of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): he may have a thing for his ex by the sound of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): From the Writer:the thing is, i dont think he worried about jealousy, and hes not young or immature, hes much older than I. He had mentioned his ex a few times after i initially questioned him and he worked with her and was very friendly with her, and he lied to me about everything to do with her since. I honestly think he still liked her after they ended, and while we were together and i know that she broke up with him, eventhough he first told me that it was mutual. And though I know he loves me an we are so good together, we've been together 3 years and these things still bother me, am i the problem? if its what i think, should it be ok to still have feelings for an ex and go out with someone else, while still liking them? i mean im sure it happens, probably alot of the time. am i just being fussy?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 September 2011):
Men always get to smell their women's scents, and quite naturally sometimes you like them and associate them to the woman in question. That is very normal.
It is also possible that a particular scent will remind you of a person, and you will like that scent even if that does not bring fond memories.
From what you say, he likes the scent and lied about it because he knew the effect that would have on you. I don't think this is enough information to say whether he is still in love with his ex, or whether YOUR smell made him remember her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 In the isolated case of the perfume, there are two possible answers, I believe. The first is that he does have something for his ex, leftover emotions. The second answer, which I believe to be correct, is that he assumes women are jealous by nature. If you start with thinking women are jealous, I understand why he'd lie about his ex using it. Not that is justifies his lying (I can't stand liars), but I see his point of view.
He's young, immature, and trying to figure out how women work. I'm guessing he believes women to be jealous creatures of nature, and from such an assumption it is natural that he would lie about his ex using said perfume. He likes the perfume, not the ex, which is why he left the ex out of it at first. He didn't mention the ex to avoid drama he assumed would come if he did bring her up.
Your constant attack on him about the ex confirms his suspicion that women are jealous creatures (even though it is a self fulfilling prophesy in this case), so he denies it even harder, trying to make the accusations go away (believes you are being irrational, and that things will calm down if he only keeps ignoring it).
Finally you drag it out of him. But what is the issue here? Your jealousy, or his lying? Your jealousy isn't the issue. Not the way I see it. Your jealousy has been created by him, because he started to lie. And you noticed he lied. Women are often good at picking up on when their man is lying. We have a hunch. And then we start to wonder why he would lie. You had your hunch, which is why you kept asking him. You knew he was lying, but couldn't confront him as he just kept up the denial. Which makes you more and more suspicious. His lying, and denial, makes you jealous. You want to know WHY he lies. It doesn't occur to you that it could be because he doesn't want your reaction (jealousy), you believe it must be something he tries to hide, not something he tries to avoid.
It's not about the ex. It's about his lying and his assumption that woman are jealous of nature so he must never mention an ex or bring an ex up into conversation.
Then again, if you take away the case of the perfume, do you have any reasons to believe he's got something going for his ex? Something that is NOT related, or created, by the case with the perfume? And something that is not created by his false assumption that women are jealous by nature?
You need to talk to him about why he lied to you. That was the start of the trouble. How would you have reacted if he was honest from the start? Talk to him about it, try to stay CALM.
As for perfumes, you can wear a perfume his ex wore if you like it. It shouldn't be a problem. Scents change as they mix with your natural scent anyway, so they are always unique. I will also mention that I have a favourite men's perfume, which I have tried to get all my boyfriends to buy, and I have made my male friends buy it as well as my brother. I love the scent. It's got nothing to do with feelings for an old romance. It is quite possible that your boyfriend genuinely likes the perfume, and not his ex.
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