A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's family are very judgmental and take any benign and often positive information they can dig about me and put a negative spin on it. They twist reality in such a way so that nothing I say or do is good enough. If they hear anything positive about me, they pretend they weren't listening. While I am an intelligent, nice, educated, very positive, independent person, they have labeled me as an incompetent user, worthless, even pigeonholing me as some sort of trashy person. They've gone so far as saying that I'm trying to get pregnant to "trap" my boyfriend. These are thoughts and concepts that have never even crossed my mind! My boyfriend has told me that they had tough lives, they didn't really do things in a responsible fashion themselves, and because of their own shortcomings they assume the worst from everybody. He's even said they are bitter...implying there may be some jealousy involved. But he also says, it is what it is and he can't change them. But it has gotten so bad he has stopped mentioning me to them to avoid conflict and I have zero contact with them anymore. It is so demoralizing and it really gets under my skin. I am well aware of the importance of surrounding yourself with positive people who believe in you and bring out the best in you. It sucks that I have to tolerate this on account of the person I want to have a relationship with. And while I love my boyfriend and choose to accept him and be with him, I wonder how his family is going to affect us in the future, if we decide to marry and start a family. Because inspite of their putdowns, he still remains very close to them. No matter how good things are between me and my boyfriend, his family's heinous attitude has really got me down. Because in the back of my head I foresee a future with alot more involvement from them, especially as things get more and more serious between he and I. And I refuse to allow them to bring their negativity and havoc into my home, it's very upsetting and stressful. And I don't know what to do because they continue to be a large part of his life.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Unfortunately, it sounds like his parents' negativity is already coming into the picture. Like a bad rash, your boyfriend's parents are tough to get rid of. And when things are bad it can put a damper on your relationship.
My question is what does your boyfriend do in support of the issue? Does he defend you and support you? Are the parents 100% inconsolable?
He is right that he can't change his parents and you may have to accept the fact that they may NEVER change in their opinions of you. What you can both do is remove, accept or minimize the situation. He and his parents are a prize package that much be accepted as part of the deal.
If his parents don't get along with you, then I think your boyfriend has the obligation to exempt you from his parents' gatherings. You can also put distance away from his parents by relocating elsewhere. Parents can by nosy when you are in the same neighborhood.
You may also want to try and win them over, although it would appear this may be a HUGE uphill battle that you may never win. I know my mom went through it with my dad's mother. Somehow, she bared it and was stronger as a result.
I think you really need to take a look at what sort of impact his parents will play in your relationship -- especially going forward. Your boyfriend could be a "momma's boy" and he may not be able to escape his parents' control. They will have an impact unless your boyfriend is on your side and understands your plight and feelings. Also if / when you have children, they will be grandparents and believe me, their influence will be even more profound.
Just make sure you are truly as strong as you say. Dealing with difficult people is sometimes part of life and you may have to make a decision as to whether you want them in your life for the foreseeable future.
Eddie
A
female
reader, DeliriousOne +, writes (18 February 2013):
First off, tell your boyfriend to grow a pair and set his family straight! In case he hasn't already, he needs to stick up for you and let them know that their behavior will not be tolerated. If they cannot respect you, or even bother giving you a chance, then to hell with them. They seem to be stuck in their ways and it is VERY hard to change people like that. If things don't improve, then I would suggest doing what you are doing now, keeping your distance.
Good luck! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): If you marry, whether your like it or not, they will be your family. As the old adage goes...You can choose your friends, but not your relatives.Even though you are saying you refuse to allow them to bring negativity into your home you are still being upset and stressed by their behaviors.It's a good indicator of what is to come in the future if you marry your boyfriend.If you have children, as grandparents or aunts and uncles they will want to see them.I guess the best thing to do is to continue to enforce the no contact rule for yourself and if the relationship does lead to marriage and children then enforce the no contact with the children so they are not exposed to their negativity and refuse any get togethers with them for the holidays and other special events. Or find yourself a new boyfriend that has a family that will accept you and adore you for who you are that wants to work with you and not against you.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (18 February 2013):
 Well aleast you are positive and don't plan on letting there negative bitterness and or jealousy interfere with you. If you foresee a problem with this you already know that dont want you together and want you broken up. Like its a classic Romeo and Juliet they were wanting to be together but others didnt want to see happiness for them. Think long and ponder the best solution if you want to be happy dont let nobody nothing stop you.
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