A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex-wife is still in the centre of his and his family's life and I dont like it ...When we met he already had a holiday book with her and the children as they were both single and good friends. I was OK about it as I thought friends when kids involved an admirable thing.I found myself not liking it however when he does her jobs round the house, has Sunday lunch with her when picking up the kids, they sometimes even go to his parents together with the kids and help out. I didnt like it but again thought ... well ... OK ...The last straw came when after 9 mths together he told me he was spending Xmas as he'd done the last 8 years going to his ex's who will cook for him, kids and his parents ... expecting me to do what I'd always done too. After a tense weekend I expressed how I felt 'playing happy families etc'. He did make an attempt to find a solution ... as things had changed and they were all, including his ex-wife, going to his sisters for the Xmas weekend, I could join too if I wanted. Naturally I declined.I dont want to finish with him but I now find this closeness with his ex and her excessive friendliness within his family untenable - even though I appreciate its nice for the kids (20 and 15). I am currently trying to wait until the Christmas period is over to have that chat where I am going to ask for clear boundaries if he still wants me in his life. What do you think?
View related questions:
christmas, ex-wife, her ex, his ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): I am in a simular situation. Only the Exwife wanted ONLY her exhusband(my fiance)to go to birthdays and xmases that are held in her home. She refuses to allow me to attend even when her son(9)wonders why I can never make his special events.To protect the son from the truth, I resort in lieing and saying Im out of town everytime.The worst part is My Fiance goes along with it because he doesnt want conflict with his exwife.I have done everything I could do to reassure the ex that I love her son and remind her son everyday the wonderful mother he has(despite what she does to me)and how lucky he is to have such wonderful parents. I bought a special picture frame for the ex with her sons picture inside that says"I love my Mom". I truly did everything to demonstrate that she is his mother and I will always support how she and my Fianace choose to raise him. I would have been delighted to be invloved or welcomed in anything anywhere to celebrate the Holidays, birthdays, communions etc..I just wanted to be welcomed wherever my fiance was welcomed. well, It never happened .After much effort on my side to make us all a family I finally had to ask more of my fiance to get involved and stand up for us as a unit and ask his ex to please respect me as her sons future stepmother and know that I would be a part of his life . My fiance said to me " I dont know if I can do that, I dont want conflict so you will have to continue to lie to my son until my xwife gets over it". I said to my now X Fiance..even if you and your ex wife are ok with someone lieing to your son Im not. I called him a coward because not only did he not stand up for us as a unit he lowered himself to having his own son lied to and didnt care that his son was hurt everytime I wasnt present at his special events. At the very least,his own sons feelings being hurt should have been more important then his exwife insecurities and his fear of conflict. Of course now he goes around saying that I didnt let him go to his sons parties because the truth was to hard for him to accept, I mean what was he going to say"I was scared to ask my ex to repsect my fiance and put our son first"?..I dont think so. My advice to you is if you are given opprtunities to be involved in everything with your boyfriends family..be there and make your presence be known and use those opprotunities to show your partner and the important people in his life(including his ex) that you are a positive peice to this puzzle...its all I ever wanted to do in my situation. good luck !Ps..I would welcome any comments on my situation Thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Wow I so hear where your coming from, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now things are much better than before. But they did do the family Flordia thing at the time I said I can't handle this and broke it off with him. He came crawling back to me, when he got back. He used to help her around the house all the time, go out for dinner to the show etc. I expressed my dislike of these events; he still helps out around her house, but not as much as he used to. They do kids birthdays and Christmas together but I am a part of all it, because he wants me there. I have built a relationship with his ex too. She will never be a friend to me but we do get along
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Hopefully you can get along with his ex's and try to merge into his family gatherings. Don't feel like an intruder and that your in-laws are choosing sides take that mentality away. Its hard but its best to choose your battles and family gathering is not one to fight for because most likely you'll loose since his children are still involve. Do make an attempt and little by little start asking him to not go as often to fix little fixtures over the house. If he notice you are patient with this whole situation, little by little he will see your view and will understand your feelings, but if you come out strong and nagging and putting ultimatums he might see your view different and that your trying to be controlling and trying to keep him from his kids. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for your and remember don't ever think the kids are in competition with you and the ex is an ex your his present.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): How long was he married?
How long ago did he divorce?
How long are u going out with him
Were u having an affair while he was married
Why so much of animosity towards his ex?
Have you met his parents/siblings yet?
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your answers - all are right despite some very different .
It was particularly helpful to have the kids view Adorskable.
I am a sensitive soul and to go to his family gathering when he was going with his ex and when I dont really know them would make me feel like an outsider looking in, so I would have to meet them another time (which I said I would).
Yes I could try to accept and integrate but if it is too painful - move on
The boundaries I was hoping to discuss include not taking non-urgent calls when I am there - he could simply say my girlfriend is here - I'll call you back; to back off doing her DIY to encourage her to find her own man (which she doesnt do cos she has him acting as husband still); at special events to consider me alongside his children and parents with ex invited rather than the other way round; and finally, not expect to go on holidays together.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 In response to the anonymous:
She doesn't have to accept it... and its perfectly understandable to want to be number 1 priority to a partner. I certainly want to be. But this man is clearly not going to change his priorities and that's understandable too- its his family of 20+ years or whatever.
OP, no ones really in the wrong here and no ones saying you MUST accept it. You can certainly try compromising, why throw away a good thing, but ultimatums won't get you very far is what I'm suggesting.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): I disagree with the posts above.
You are his girlfriend now and you are his number one. There is no way he should be playing happy families. I bet if she had a live in boyfriend he wouldnt accept ex hubby going round to fix things and hook up at Christmas.
I would certainly NOT accept this situation. I have a daughter and when I broker up with her father and met someone else I didnt involve ex in the family we had both moved on.
He is still living in the past and the children are older now so if he wants to see them it should be taking them out or at your place.
Agree you need to set some bounaries. Dont listen to people who go on about accepting someones ex in their life, the children are not toddlers or juniors they are grown up now. I dont know anyone who would accept this and I certainly would not.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 I'm with JMT. You'll lose him if you do this. You have to understand that no matter that you see this friendly closeness and respect his ex has in their family as the mother of his children, she is his ex for a reason.
Whenever there is a divorce, it gets messy for the people who aren't in the marriage. His family developed their own relationships with his ex, and like I said, she will always have a place as the mother of his kids.
Why did you decline when he switched it to his sister's? That was the absolute pristine opportunity you have to carve out your own place in this family if you're thinking of your boyfriend with those future plans in mind! You should reconsider going, as it will be impossible to pull him away from his family (which includes his kids and as well the kids' mother).
Even doing the jobs around the house and having lunch together while picking up the kids keeps the kids as a presence in his life. I'm guessing that his need for family connections is strong. I really do not think that it's about him and his ex.
You didn't mention how long you'd been dating him. Regardless, the way you establish your position in his life is definitely not through ultimatum. It will take patience and kindness towards his kids, and yes, his ex. Remember, there is a reason she is an ex, or she wouldn't be an ex. Go to this holiday function at his sister's Take this golden opportunity to win them over. Don't think that you don't have to, because in close knit families, that's something you've gotta do.
Let your relationship (of only 9 months) heat up naturally. This is all new to him too as far as what to do with family. Keep an open mind and remember, he's with you. She's his ex for a reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): What makes you so insecure about the relationship your boyfriend has with his ex wife? You have to understand and accept that friendship comes in many shapes and forms and because of the kids (however old they are), their lives are intertwined forever. You should step up and accept the fact that she will always be a part of his life. Part of being in the relationship with him is accepting his past and all his baggage, Ex wife included. The bitterness toward her will only cause issues between you and your boyfriend. If you want to have a relationship with this man, just play nice. I agree with Jmtmj's view on Christmas time. She is, always will be, part of his family. Sorry if you don't like it, fact is fact. How you react to this situation can and might break your relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (24 November 2010):
If you can't accept that they are a massive part of his life and try to integrate yourself into it or just accept it, then I'd skip the B.S. and have the talk with him ASAP.
I've always thought of christmas time as family time first and foremost, valentines day is for couples. What boundaries are you thinking of suggesting to him? Sounds suspiciously like an ultimatum... which if it is, you just won't win.
Blunt, but just my 2 cents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (24 November 2010):
Well I spend Christmas with both my mom and my dad and my moms new husband and my dad's new wife. I'm grown up but as I was growing up I don't remember spending a holiday with out my parents both being there. I know this is something they did for their children and I am grateful that their spouses understood how important that was because at least from my knowledge I don't think they complained about it. My dad and My mom are invited to all our family gathering and they do show up with their spouse. It is good when you can get along with the ex's family because their kids involve. This does not mean he is choosing his wife over you it means that his kids are to important to not spend the holidays with them. Why not try and go and have fun.
...............................
|
