A
female
age
51-59,
*lsie
writes:i need some advice on an ongoing problem with my partner and his child from previous relationship.ive just sorted one crisis out{he was spending far too much time round his ex,s with the 14yr old being the excuse}this took 3yrs and basically drained me.now theres a ton of problems involving his childs education.his ex is under education welfare,etc because she hasnt been sending him to school enough(theres alot more background but this is too private).the problem i have is i cant come to terms with how much he has neglected his son on top of everything else and sometimes i feel its eating away at me.ive tried to help sooo much with his child but mostly i feel im banging my head against a brick wall.he says he will report her,send letters to the relevant people to help his son,then just seems to sit back and let it all go by.i think theres some twisted loyalty to her as she has helped him out alot in the past.this is soo frustrating for me.seems like we've got one prob after another.none of its mine and it really really getting the better of me.i feel like walking away.although he has admitted to treating me like s**t in the past he still has occasional relapses where he has a nasty attitude to me.he never apologises until i show him the error of his ways.just like ive had sooo much with his child.what am i waiting for????
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 May 2007):
 Hey I wasn't trying to be too judgemental of you, I just wanted to try and understand more of the background of everything and you have completely put me in the picture so I do appreciate everything you have said.
Getting stoned and just being in the house is no way to behave as a parent and role model so it sounds to me like your bf and his ex need a good kick up the backside.
To allow a child to get so over weight and not do anything about it is criminal - don't they realise that they are slowing killing their son. Even if the ex allowed it surely if your bf cared enough he would get his son to see professionals and make the ex do something about it.
They have written their son off and I can understand why all his ex's have held their hands up and said enough is enough.
You must have the patience of a saint that is all I can say.
I am glad that some of the advice I have given and others have said to you has made you think about yourself as it is about time and so plan for your own future and what you want out of life and just continue to stay strong and positive.
Here for you anytime OK, so keep us updated eh!! Keep smiling as it is much better for you than frowning, well so the experts say!! lol
Take care of yourself.
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (14 May 2007):
elsie is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi to country woman,just a few points about the problem i had with him spending too much time with his ex and his son before.although his son is perfectly able-bodied he used to spend 90%of the time there sitting on his backside on computer,getting stoned with her and saying "aslong as he knows im here whats wrong?"obvious whats wrong.he never hardly took him out and it took ages before he started bringing him to OUR house??on top of this his son is grossly overweight and cannot walk for longer than 10mins without feeling ill.all caused by being unfit and staying up half the night playing computer games(consequently missing school).he ran to her everytime we had a row or disagreement.you are right the son may well be rebelling but only because his parents have made it far too easy for him to as they say "stay indoors and have his home comforts"which makes it nice and easy for them to sit back and do nothing!his mother lets him do anything but he is by no means a bad kid.my partner admitted he was wrong for giving his son the impression that he was somehow a live-in parent who just happened to have a girlfriend (but on saying that maybe thats all i was and could still be?)also the child has put a stop to any men going out with his mother and she is fine with this???she is by her own admission anti-social and never goes out?every single one of his ex,s were very bothered by him going round there so much and that was when his son was small.hes told me im the one whos been the most understanding???i do let him have it when hes nasty but that doesnt make it right as its not in my nature to be like that.thanks for your advice i will put myself and my sanity first i dont need all this and i can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): what you are describing here is a sunk cost. i was reading an article in new scientist about making decisions and on point made was that when people have invested in something they dont want to give up as all their investment is lost even when more investment would just increase their loss. you have to think, do you want to turn the next few years of your life into even greater sunk costs, it's your life so choose soon
also some men are bad at reading womens emotions, but it sounds like you two aren't that compatible as people who are tend to understand (and at the least make the effort to) each other and that is what seems to be lacking here. is your partner prone to depression and withdrawing himself-ie. moody, snappy, lazy and unmotivated? maybe he needs help to understand himself(have a look into poor nutrition(B vitamins and omega 3 oils) or excess drinking).
good luck but look after yourself as it sounds like your man is not going to do that for you
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 May 2007):
I have to say that I feel that the advice rhythmandblues2 has given to you is sound advice.
There does seem to be a little conflicting information going on here though in as much as when the bf was spending a lot of time at his ex's you felt that this was too much as he was trying to sort out his son's problems.
You now say that he seems as though he doesn't care at all and says a lot but does very little and doesn't make the effort to go there at all now.
Seems to me that when he was being involved that was not what you wanted and now that he isn't you feel he is not doing enough.
It could well be that he has tried a lot in the past but the ex is not playing ball and the son is so out of control that nothing his father does seems to have any impact.
There is a child caught in the middle of all of this and he is now a teenager and as his parents are no longer together he could well be rebelling to get some attention from either one of them so perhaps this child and his parents need a lot of counselling to sort themselves out.
I must admit you have said you have done a lot in the past and I think unless your bf does push for mediation or something to happen then why should you stick with him.
I know it is easy to say walk away but at the end of the day if this whole thing is making you a nervous wreck or your health is suffering because of it you owe it to yourself to put your own needs first. No one can blame you and what is the point of wasting your life in a relationship that seems as though their is a stale mate going on so unless your bf gets a kick up the backside nothing will ever change. Idle threats about reporting his ex are not going to change anything and he also has a proportion of blame in all of this.
Put yourself first and start to think about what you want out of life for a change, you will start to feel stronger once you address this and reach a decision in your own mind.
Your bf will continue to be nasty to you because you put up with it and if he doesn't even recognise the fact that he is upsetting you until you show him then he is not going to put your feelings first ever.
Wish you well.
Take care of yourself.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): I think you have really answered your own question. You want to walk away, there is too much about this man and his relationship with an ex who neglects his child, and he is not taking things into his own hands.
It is not your job nor your responsibility to change or fix the situation between all parties involved. Guilt is probably what is keeping you there, and frustration, you most likely feel like you can't give up on something you have worked so hard to improve.
If this relationship is getting you down and you just can't deal as it stands, then you must let it go and walk away for your own sake. You deserve to have the life that you want....you are not married, it will get much worse if you do, leave now before you cannot.
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