A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Last week my boyfriend and I were closer than ever. We've known each other more than eight years. Then, after talking to his medical counsellor, he starts saying that we should just be friends, which I can't do, and his counselor had asked him why he limited himself? Limited himself to what? Me? Why would a counsellor say this? He says loves me with all his heart, but we each have financial troubles. But we could work them out. I think his counselor is pushing him the wrong way, instead of helping us! I do not think this counselor is very smart or good. I am developing negative views of this counsellor. Why would the counsellor think my boyfriend might be better off without me? What can I do? Should I suggest he see a different consellor? I have been miserable and all my old fears are confronting me and surfacing instead of us creatively moving ahead Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): OP again, adding a P.S. He took the anti-depressant way before he met me. He has never had to use any drugs since we have been together. I am cheerful and we laugh a lot.
All his friends like me, except maybe one who doesn't like women who are not super-flashy. Maybe I should get flashier but he (my bf) doesn't like make-up. But now I think i will put on some lipstick whether he likes it or not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Hi- OP here! First of all, I want to thank all the Aunts for their answers; I still have to re-read them and digest them, but so far they have definitely furthered my understanding of the counseling realtionship! Thank you!!! For some reason, I have always been suspicious of counselors, since some DO cause bad things to happen which with the benefit of time might have worked themselves out better. I don't know my bf's counselor, I only know that after being there, my bf sounds like a different person and seems to hate me lately. He only went to the counselor because he got laid off from his job and can't seem to get more interviews. I think that perhaps he IS presenting too many of the imperfections in our relationship because those bother him, rather than telling him how great i am(ha!!) So the counselor may be responding from a loaded deck. I don't want to control him at all: I don't think anyone can or could. But i know awhile ago , another counselor gave him medicine for anti-depression, and it had a bad effect on his health. i would hope he would have a smart counselor this time, if he has to see him, who would have a positive and growth-oriented attitude to vanquish my bf's fears about his life and make him see how out-standing he is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): "I felt paralyzed by his affect on my boyfriend who is vulnerable and yet, a little gullible. He has had so many girlfriends and told me he regretted leaving some he should have married. And now this counselor may make him do the same with me. He is in his fifties and clings to me at night like a ship to an anchor.
This counselor is unimaginative and changes appointments randomly and is late and unprofessional."
This counselor may be unprofessional for being late and changing appointments, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he's doing a bad job when he is with your boyfriend.
It could be that your boyfriend shouldn't be with ANYONE, whether it's you or any other woman. He's in a 8 year relationship with you and yet tells you he wished he had married other women?? He does have personal issues he needs to work on. Maybe he's just not emotionally ready to be in any long term relationship regardless of who the other person is which is why the counselor is saying he might be better off not being in a relationship with you. Maybe he clings to you because he's needy. Maybe he's with you out of unhealthy reasons that's also making him suffer mentally.
also realize that the counselor cannot "make" your boyfriend do anything. Ultimately your boyfriend decides if he agrees with the counselor's opinion. you're afraid your boyfriend will agree with the counselor. Why are you afraid of this? What if the counselor's words are true?
You say your boyfriend is gullible - this could be why it's not good for him to be in ANY relationship, whether it's you or anyone else. people who are very gullible, are not really able to be themselves unless and until they can develop more personal strength. It can be torture being in a long term relationship when one doesn't know their own self. being in a relationship can hinder self-growth for some people because the relationship becomes a crutch so they never grow. then the relationship runs into problems and because the person has not gotten a handle on their personal issues, they can't deal with the relationship problems. ... Maybe this is why the counselor suggests he would be better off without the relationship. It may not mean forever, but for now until something changes. it may not be anything to do with you personally. But it has everything to do with your boyfriend.
You think the counselor is trying to control your boyfriend's thoughts. But by trying to counter this, you are trying to control his thoughts too. You're saying you know what's best for your boyfriend. Why not give him a chance to figure himself out, without your influence, maybe it's the first time in his entire life that he's in a position to do so. If he decides that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that is his right. If he has a tendency to second guess his choices, then he may come back to you soon again anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I don't know your background because you do not explain. But if he is seeing a counsellor then there must be something pretty big going on in his personal life for him to even consider taking that step. If you are a couple then you are probably a big culprit in his issues (doesn't necessarily mean you are to blame). If the counsellor is suggesting that he is limiting himself to (you) then he/she feels that his life would improve without you being so present in it, if present at all. Counsellors only hear one side of every story. Their patients' side. So they only have one version to go by. That's how counselling works. Whatever he is telling his therapist, it is making he/she come to the conclusion that he is limited with you. For all you know those words are his and the counsellor is just reiterating how he feels and what he has said. The counsellor is just making a judgment based on what he/she is being told. And as someone who has been to many therapists I can tell you that therapists often just reiterate what the patient wants/says. They usually stay out of giving advice and instead try to get the patient to make decisions for themselves. Rather than point the finger at and be accusational toward the counsellor, you would be better off talking to your boyfriend and finding out how he feels about your relationship. He might be looking for a way out and using the counsellor as an excuse to get out of the relationship...something to think about. Just saying.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I am actually pretty much in your boyfriends position (have a very vocal counselor re: our relationship). At times, I do blame her for what comes out in our sessions, "oh SHE wants us to break up. SHE'S being negative" because I'm not willing to own or attribute to myself what I have been saying. weird analogy is, put water in a funnel and you get water on the other end: only mention the bad stuff or the stressful stuff about a relationship and you will only hear responses regarding the bad stuff and how to deal with the stress you have on that topic. So it's likely that as much as your bf doesn't want to own up to this being how he feels these things are coming out of the session for a reason, it's because he is distubed by them and if you didn't know that he was disturbed by them before, then counseling HAS helped empower him only to the extent of mentioning his worries but not to the point of them being His worries but His Counselor's worries, you see? And if you did know these were concerns in the relationship beforehand it is likely that he wants to heighten legitimacy to concerns he's raised in the past by having an expert with the same opinion to bolster his own so they are taken more seriously this time around. Either way, the answer is couples counseling so you can see where this counselor is coming from and so you can really see if he or she is out of bounds. I think that's also helpful because for me, I have a hard time remember or accurately representing what my partner has said or reacted to things, and so I sometimes feel like I'm not doing us favors if I'm actually getting it wrong, there's an imbalance there. Hopefully that helps.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 May 2011):
So sorry you're going through this....This can be quite complicated... the goal of counseling varies, but ultimately it's up to the client to determine what they want to achieve by going to the counselor. A counselor doesn't tell people what life choices to make, a counselor helps people to decide what they should do that will ease their pain or live healthier.
A client can certainly tell the counselor: "my goal is to improve my relationship because right now it's crappy but I've decided to stay in it" then the counselor should work within those limits by assuming that leaving the relationship is not an option. (however counselors may be bound by ethical rules like if they believe there is abuse going on or about to happen, they do have the moral obligation to say something about this even if the client said they want to stay in the relationship)
but if the client just says "I'm very unhappy, I dont' know why, please help me" then the counselor will probably look at the whole range of possibilities and possible outcomes, which includes leaving the relationship, and tell it like it is.
Also, as opposed to some kinds of couples counseling, individual counseling is focused on what's best for that individual client. the client's marriage or relationship may have nothing to do with it, or it may have everything to do with it, just depends on the situation....in the case where it does have to do with the marriage/relationship, the counselor is not concerned about what you want, nor should they be, because you are not their client, your boyfriend is. It would be up to your boyfriend to decide if leaving the relationship is not something he wants to consider and to put those limits on the counseling path.
this can be very anxiety-provoking for the other partner, i.e. you. often if a spouse is miserable in their marriage and goes to individual counseling, and as a result develops the clarity and strength to leave the marriage and becomes happier as a result, the other spouse blames the counselor for the divorce. And there are people outside the marriage who would also blame the counselor too (like those who believe for religious reasons that divorce is never an option). But as you can see, to blame the counselor for that is superficial and shifting responsibility. Ultimately it's the client who has to decide what they'll do with their life.
add to the complications the fact that the counselor's opinion also depends on how much information the client chooses to reveal, which can also depend on how the counselor 'leads' the session...
even if the counselor were to tell your boyfriend that their professional opinion is that he would be better off without the relationship, it's still up to your boyfriend to take their advice or not. The counselor isn't his boss, isn't forcing him to do anything. If your boyfriend just blindly believes everything the counselor says because of their position of authority, then this is also your boyfriend's right to do. (just as with doctors for physical ailments, whom people often believe blindly but it's still wise to get second opinions and patients need to take some responsibility for their healthcare)
OK, so what do YOU do about this situation? well. if you feel threatened by the counselor, ask yourself, if your boyfriend's loyalty to or desire for the relationship is so weak that one session of counseling makes him do a complete 180, then I think this says more about the relationship or himself (his mental and emotional state) than about the counselor.
if it seems to you that the relationship was perfect and you were both very happy, then he goes to the counselor and now everything's been turned upside down...I doubt that this is something the counselor created out of thin air.
I think it's more likely that there were underlying issues in the relationship that your boyfriend was hiding from you, or that you were not seeing, and the counseling just brought them to light. Or there were issues that your boyfriend was hiding from you because he was unsure of or too afraid to take responsibility and say on his own without the "back up" of a counselor. (yes some people do use counseling as an excuse to finally leave a marriage or relationship when they've already long made up their mind)
There are certainly incompetent counselors, just as there are incompetent doctors and lawyers and teachers. You can definitely suggest your boyfriend get a second opinion from another counselor.....But I'm just saying that if one day everything's perfect, then he sees the counselor and now suddenly he's thinking of leaving the relationship - it's probably not the counselor per se..... The counselor may have brought things out into the open, but those things were there already just hidden. (which is maybe what many partners would prefer because then it can continue to be ignored)
Also to say that the counselor is pushing him in "the wrong way" means that you're trying to control him to do what you want him to do, and not really considering what may truly be in his best interest. You said that you feel the counselor should be helping the relationship. But what if your boyfriend actually doesn't want to be in the relationship?
it's very normal for you to feel this way, and it doesn't make you a bad person, but to say that he is being pushed in the "wrong" direction, is I think, missing the point. The point is, whatever is the 'right' direction for HIM, is not for you to decide. You know what feels "right" for you - which is to be in a relationship with him. But this may not be what's "right" for him anymore or under these circumstances. And the counselor is there to help HIM, because he's the client. If the counselor is helping him to see a different direction, or if he already knew it and is just using counseling as a backup to say what he already was thinking, then it doesn't change the fact that it is the right decision for him under these present circumstances. Again, your boyfriend does have the choice to rule out ending the relationship.
and that's not to say that he may not change his mind, and you can definitely suggest that he see a different counselor. But I think that ultimately what's the right or wrong path for him, is not your decision, you can only tell him what you want and ask if there's anything you can do that will change his mind, but it's his life too. How about listening to what your boyfriend says regarding his counseling sessions, and listen to what he wants and how he feels, without openly getting upset at him (because if you get upset at him, he'll probably just clam up or not share what he's really thinking). Ask if he's willing to stay in the relationship if things were different, and try to find out what those things would have to be. Suggest couples counseling, but ultimately be respectful of whatever his choice is because forcing your choice on him probably will backfire.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Dear Aunts, I never used the phrase "instead of helping us" in my question. What's happened at DearCupid that they attempted to clarify my question, but distorted us. Also, i never wrote that he was a "medical" counselor. He is not a psychiatrist or psychologist but rather a social worker, who has only been counseling him a few months. i said he was "menial" and that I felt paralyzed by his affect on my boyfriend who is vulnerable and yet, a little gullible. He has had so many girlfriends and told me he regretted leaving some he should have married. And now this counselor may make him do the same with me. He is in his fifties and clings to me at night like a ship to an anchor.
This counselor is unimaginative and changes appointments randomly and is late and unprofessional.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): The counselor isn't the problem OP your boyfriend is. I mean is he that gullible and easily convinced to give up important stuff on the words of another person?This is down to your boyfriend OP, counselors don't suggest bad things to people. They don't suggest things that would make life difficult for other people. Forgive me for saying this OP but this "instead of helping us!" is a load of crap. That's his counselor OP not yours, he's not there to help you, he's there to help your boyfriend and whatever he said to your boyfriend was only based on your boyfriends needs. His counselor will suggest ways of improving his life and mental well being, but only based on what your boyfriend says to him OP. So obviously your boyfriend sees something seriously wrong with you relationship if a perfect stranger is going to suggest such a thing.Besides I don't think his counselor suggested that at all, I think your boyfriend told him he feels trapped or his life isn't going the way he wants it go and your boyfriend is the one that sees you as a limiting factor.A piece of advice OP, counselors don't do what you think this one is doing, otherwise they'd be fired and not allowed to work. Your boyfriend is doing all this, your boyfriend is making all these decisions not the counselor and changing counselor isn't going to help because honestly OP perhaps your relationship isn't as good for your boyfriend as you think it is.You need to talk to your boyfriend and get him to explain all this to you. Your boyfriend is keeping things from you, you don't just all of a sudden decide to leave your girlfriend of 8 years based on one conversation OP. There must be a lot bigger problems that you know about and you need to know what your boyfriend is thinking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): "I think his counselor is pushing him the wrong way, instead of helping us!"He is hiring the counselor for his benefit and his mental health, not yours. Technically, the counselor should help him, not you and him. Before you demand he change counselors, you might contemplate couple's counseling. If you demand he change counselor just because you're feeling threatened, he will likely also think you're being petty and selfish.In a relationship with a counselor, people often express feelings that they don't even express to their partner. This can be good in a lot of ways because it lets people make honest, independant decisions and develop as self-aware individuals....all that said, it's not very tactful for him to repeat what the counselor said to you."He says loves me with all his heart, but we each have financial troubles."Have you contributed passively or actively to these financial troubles? Rather than ask him to change his counselor for you, the onus might be on you to change and initiate solving the financial problems. Rather than demand he change his life, why don't you offer up solutions and changes in your life so you can stay with him?Good luck.
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