A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am a 39 year old woman who really loves sex and trying new things. My problem is that due to troubling issues from when I was a child, where a person did the wrong thing, it has resulted in me having trouble having an orgasim with my husband. How can I get over my past? How can stop the past from interferring with the present? and I can orgasm while masturbating and get turned on imagining my husband with another woman and get turned on with him watching porn. I have really low self esteem and suffer with depression. Has anyone else had this problem and how have you dealt with it. I think i use porn as an escape to not be me, but i don't want to have to use it everytime i have sex to reach an orgasm.
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orgasm, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): You definitely are not alone.Before you read the following, I'd echo one thing as extremely important. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP FROM A COUNSELOR WHO IS EXPERIENCED IN THIS TYPE OF PROBLEM (PAST ABUSE). You must open up entirely with the counselor, that takes a few weeks to a few months, and it can seem pointless. Don't hide anything from the counselor, if you can't bear to talk about something then tell them you aren't ready and will be willing to do it in the future, but don't obscure it or lie, because that will lead you down the wrong path.As far as your posting.This is very common, as is the image of the "other" woman that people conjure up to take away the negative "self image" that they have of themselves. Don't be ashamed of this, that alone can make the problem worse.One thing I'd suggest, really open up and talk to the husband, about the past, hopefully he is someone who can deal with it. If you are hiding or "suppressing" anything, it can lead to a lot of negative back chatter in your head that interferes with true intimacy.But, take a long hard look at your spouse, and don't open up without professional help. Some spouses can't handle this stuff.On a personal note, my spouse was unable to have orgasms with anyone, even herself, after having been abused as a child and she tried with a lot of people. We were married a long time before she had an orgasm with me, and I was if anything tenaciously patient (nearly 20 years, her first orgasm with herself was when she was around 38 years old, her first with another person was over 10 years later). But, I'd not been told the truth about the past (rapes, abuse, neglect), and didn't know. Her first orgasm with someone else came (no pun intended) literally the same week as she began, and I do mean only began, to tell me the worst thing she had to tell. As she began to spill out the past, which took a long time, then it came easier and easier. I still don't know everything, probably never will, but at least we both know the problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Hi there. I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I also have a similar back history and find it difficult to orgasm unless I pic my bf with another woman. It's not enough I think it but I have to vocalize it. Afterwards I feel guilty because it's not something he is into but he's doing it for me. I don't have a right answer for you. I just wanted to tell you it was a relief to see I'm not alone. I hope you find someone on here that can help. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 This sounds like a way of avoiding intimacy, in other words it sounds like something you need to work out with a professional. This is really beyond the sort of thing you can work out on the internet. Please speak to someone who can help you work through this.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I don't have any experience that would help you in dealing with this situation. My initial thought was to ask if you have received counseling to deal with the abuse, to work through the many feelings and problems that arise in the victims of abuse.
I think this might be beyond our amateur agony aunt capabilities. If it is a real and continuing concern that is affecting your and your relationship, why not reach out for professional help and try to cope with the aftermath of the abuse in a way that will help you come to some sort of peace with your past and allow you to work through the low self-esteem and work on the depression and come to some sort of contentment and peace that allows you to express yourself in intimacy in a way that feels good to you.
In other words, please get someone who knows what they are doing to help you. You deserve it.
Take care.
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