A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for around six months. I have a 16 month old son so things have gotten pretty serious between the pair of us. The relationship is great and he’s going to propose at Christmas.However his best friend never liked me. When my boyfriend told his best friend he was going to take me on our first date he was against it, he warned him that I have a child which my boyfriend was already aware of and that personally he doesn’t think it will work, he shows up to the house uninvited when he knows it’s date night, when we’ve had the odd row he’s jumped in and suggested he breaks things off.So I’ve perceived, invited him to do things with us, even talked to him one to one to reassure him I really love my boyfriend/his best friend and I’m not going to mess him around or try and impose on their friendship and although he was saying “yes I understand I like you” etc he’s still on at my boyfriend trying to tell him not to propose.I can’t tell if he is jealous, he has made a few inappropriate comments towards me (sexually inappropriate but joking) and I’m at the end of my tether. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2018): FatherlyAdvice posed two good questions. If he is very young, and hasn't completed higher-education and/or matured enough. Taking on a family may be too much of a big step.
I'd like to know how long you've been together as a couple; inclusive of the time you were together before becoming officially-committed? Where is the child's biological-father? Is he absentee, in-prison, or absconded, and totally out of the picture?
It's possible his best-friend is jealous; but he knows his friend, and when he might be jumping ahead of himself. He may know more about events of the past on both-sides; than he is letting-on. He may not only be protecting his friend, but you as well.
Teen-marriages or those in their early 20's seldom last; due to immaturity, and financial-difficulties. Inexperience with handling family-problems or serious relationship-issues; leads to breakups soon after marriage. Young fathers don't feel as much attached to their kids; if they haven't been there for them from conception through their toddler stages. They have to bond.
If he doesn't earn adequate wages to support a wife and child; he'll have to take on an extra job, and do a lot of overtime. You'll feel alone and neglected. Resentment will build on both sides. He'll tire of giving-up all his time to working, and trying to support his young family. Youthful or inexperienced parents often disagree on child-rearing styles; and disciplining a child that isn't yours, becomes a very big issue. With concerns from both the mother, and the biological-father. In or out of the picture; no one knows when he'll decide to have a change of heart, and pop-up out of nowhere. Then here's the question of how you'll react to it? You may still harbor feelings for him, or get jealous of his chosen-replacement. If he wasn't a married-man already!
You will also have to take on a job. That means daycare becomes an added expense. You'll have to help support a growing-child, who has growing needs. Most households require two-working parents; if neither has a degree, or at least one parent has a well-paying profession.
There is the child's biological-father, who may remain absent for the present. While offering no financial-support; waiting somewhere in the shadows, to come and cause some sort of trouble. So the friend may be both jealous, and wise! Wise without knowing it, that is!
Inappropriate jokes are crossing the line, and you should inform him it he does it again; you will tell your boyfriend. He's not being a friend making unwanted passes; he's deliberately attempting to cause a rift in your relationship. Your boyfriend should not be oblivious to such things going-on behind his back. It's not up to his friend to decide whom he should be with, what's good for him, or what is not! He's not his father!
I will have to throw more of my support toward the friend; if he is simply concerned about his buddy getting married too young.
I think you both need to take your time, and know exactly what you're doing.
I hope you both realize how big of a step you're taking. If you don't live together; he has yet to discover what it's like sharing a home, devoting all his time to supporting a family, and giving-up the time he used to spend hanging-out. Hanging-out time and disposable-cash will be no more; or there will be very little of it. He better be man enough to make such sacrifices. He can't change his mind a year down the road. It's often easier in theory than when executed.
You were thrust into teenage-motherhood; and had very little time to prepare for such a huge responsibility. I hope your love for him is equivalent to your need for help as a single-mother. Either abandoned by the guy who left you with a kid; or a guy who does pay child-support, and could have some objections to another guy rearing and disciplining his kid.
Then there could be issues on his visits; and when he gets time to have his kid. Then another woman entering the picture to be around the child. It all gets pretty complicated.
If he is still in the child's life, and offering financial-support; expect him to still have some reservations about some other guy disciplining and laying paternal-claims to his child. He may not right-away, but the possibility is there at any given time.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 November 2018):
 If your boyfriend and his mate are of a similar age to you, then I suspect it will be that his friend doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy. He knows, no matter what you say, once you and your boyfriend are engaged, and ultimately married, their friendship will change.
You have done your best to put this situation right. It is now up to your boyfriend to show his mate, by his actions, that your relationship is not up for negotiation.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (21 November 2018):
 I need to know 2 things in order to give advice here. How old is the boyfriend? Are you living together?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2018):
 His best friend is looking out for HIS best friend (your BF) It's what a FRIEND does. If (at your age) MY best friend wanted to propose after SUCH a short relationship, I'd probably also have tried to talk my friend out of it, kid or no kid involved. Might also be that he is worried that his friend (your BF) gets "saddled" with a family while THIS young. Or that you might have another kid with your BF when neither of you are fully financially ready and able to take care of a family. I get his view point. But he is being rude and immature about it.
You BF doesn't want to chose between you two. BUT the fact that on "date-nights" the friend shows up and your BF doesn't tell him - hey not tonight, BFF - shows that your BF is a bit immature and doesn't really set boundaries well.
You guys are young. I think you ought to WAIT a while longer before thinking of marriage. Marriage isn't just something "instant family" thing. YOU have a CHILD you have to make your top priority. YOU as a SINGLE mother need to make SURE you have picked a GUY who is well suited not only as a partner but a step-father for your child.
WHERE is the fire here?
As for the friend. He doesn't HAVE to like you. You don't HAVE to like him either. His inappropriate comments is most likely due to him judging you more than him being jealous. you are young and already have a kid. Plenty of people will judge you for that. You need to learn to let those things roll of your back. As for any (ANY!) sexual comment he makes, you NEED to nip in the bud. Like saying, Hey Bob you can cut that out. You are not funny.
I think you REALLY need to slow your roll. you have been together for 6 months and already have the "odd row"? ALREADY?! Which might be another reason the friend isn't keen on you.
However, when it all comes down to it, you are DATING your BF, not his friend. You BF hasn't followed his friend's advice and suggestions thus far, who is to say he will at all?
And maybe you and your BF need to consider going OUT for dates? So the friend can't just show up?
Overall, stop trying to "convince" the friend that you are good for your BF or anything else, THAT isn't your job.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2018):
 He doesn’t want to lose his best mate, simple as.
He will do everything in his power to make it not happen for you it seems and there’s not a great deal you can do about it but put up with it if you think your BF is worth it. If your BF is in it for the long haul also he won’t take any notice of it. If he makes anymore sexually inappropriate jokes I’d nip it in the bud right there and then, make an example of him.
I will add that this sounds like it’s moving at high speed. Proposal after 7 months? A lot of people come on this site describing similar situations and it always sounds crazy to me. How can you know someone well enough after 7 months to want to get married? Have you lived together? Sounds like applying the breaks a little here would be a good idea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2018): Please step out of your love bubble to read this and try not to get defensive because it’s just being realistic and you’re too loved up to see it:Please take it slower. You have a child and you’ve only been together for a few months; you’re still in the honeymoon phase. I know that’s not something you asked for a comment on, but 6 months isn’t long enough to get engaged. There’s no rush. Really. Please talk to your boyfriend about taking it slower. I know you’re all loved up, but there’s still so much you don’t know about each other. 6 months isn’t even the length of a pregnancy, but you’re going to commit to marrying someone new? I know you’ll probably ignore this, but you’re a mum - you need to take things slower, for the sake of building a stronger foundation and giving your child a better idea for their own future relationships. You’re rushing things because you’re loved up, but you need longer to make sure you’re a great match long-term. How can you commit to marrying someone for LIFE when you haven’t even spent a year together yet? Not only that, but your son has been alive longer than you’ve been with your boyfriend - when you’ve been together for 18 months, it’s different, but it’s only half a year so far. No time at all, in the grand scheme of things. If it’s meant to be, take your time :)As for the friend, talk to your boyfriend. It’s HIS job to rein in his friend, not yours. If he doesn’t, you know where you stand.
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