A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused about my boyfriend's behaviour lately. We've been together for nearly six months and everything has been great. He's really sweet and loving. He always makes an effort and plans dates. He's a proper gentleman, always pays. For Valentine's he went all out and booked a restaurant, a trip on the London Eye and an expensive hotel. I don't mean this to sound materialistic or like I expect this from him, it's just the way he is.However, lately I've been feeling like he's losing interest. We see each other two, sometimes three times a week and it's always fun and we have a good time but over the last month or so I've noticed he's texting me less and less. We used to text several times a day and in the evening sometimes and they were long texts too. I know this level of texting is unsustainable and I expected the texts to decrease but not to this extent. Now, it seems like I'm usually the one texting him first, if I don't we may not speak at all. There have been times where we don't speak for a whole day. He's also taking hours, sometimes as long as a day to reply to my texts. Again, I know he's busy and at work but he never used to take so long before especially to reply to flirty texts, not just the boring everyday stuff. When he does reply, he seems fine, asks about my day but when I text back asking about his day he doesn't reply so we only exchange a couple of texts a day now sometimes less. This is happening more and more often. The other thing is that I can see he's active on Facebook and Whatsapp. He posts stuff but he doesn't reply when I message him on Facebook and he doesn't reply to my texts. I know, that this is sounding obsessive but I can't help it. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting lower on his list of priorities. It’s like he has time for everyone and everything but me.Some other things bother me too although I may be reading too much into it because of my previous relationship history. This relationship with my current bf is long-distance, he lives nearly an hour and a half away. We've been taking turns to visit each other but lately he's started saying that he prefers his place to mine. He still came to mine the weekend just gone and we had a great time but I'm not sure what's changed from him saying a couple of months ago that it's no problem for him to come and visit me. Even a couple of weeks ago he seemed happy to visit me and now in the last two weeks he's specifically said "I prefer my place but I can come to yours". He almost made it sound like a chore. With my ex-boyfriend of five years it was also long-distance. It got to the point where we wouldn't talk all week, it seemed like he just forgot about me. I didn’t text or call because I didn’t want to seem needy. Then at the weekend he would seem happy to hear from me and want me to come over but we'd barely spend any time together because he’d spend so much time on his computer (that’s a long story). I know I shouldn’t compare boyfriends but I'm worried my new relationship could turn out the same.I give my boyfriend his space, I try not to text him too much. I don't want to play games or act hot and cold so sometimes I text or call him first. I don’t want to seem too needy or available though so sometimes we don’t talk at all for a whole day. I always reply in a timely period but I feel like he doesn't extend that same courtesy to me, like I said he can go hours without texting me back. He's still making plans and still wants to see me. We have plans to meet up twice this week and he's asked me if I would like to do certain activities sometime. He's also brought my birthday present months in advance so he's obviously thinking about the future, at least short-term. When we meet up, he's very sweet and affectionate and pretty much gives me his full attention. We also have a lot to talk about and the chemistry is still there. Is this texting thing anything to be worried about? I feel like it sounds so petty but it's really upsetting me. I'm not sure whether and how to talk to him about it. I know that he's been busy and stressed at work but it doesn't take long to send a text to your girlfriend to tell her you're thinking of her or just to ask about her day. I have written him a letter, just telling him how I feel. Basically, I’ve written that I’m hurting inside right now and I feel sad because I feel like something has come between us and we’re not as close right now. I go on to say that I feel like there’s something affecting his feelings towards me that he’s not telling me about. I tell him I want us to work it out together. I want him to trust me and work through it with me. I want him to tell me what’s bothering him. Is it worth giving him this letter or will it just create a problem where there isn’t one? We still seem close when we spend time together so it’s only really when we’re apart that I feel a distance. I feel like giving him this letter may push him away. I'm just feeling so confused right now and not sure what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): I felt the same at the beginning of my last long term relationship. I actually just said on the phone to him 'I feel like we're not talking as much as we used to' I can't remember what his reply was, but it got a lot better, & we were together 6 years after that. You shouldn't worry about being clingy or needy, because the right person will listen to your concerns and want you in their life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Thanks for the replies. Yes, I do think that maybe I am making a big deal but I do feel upset by this. It's now nearly ten in the evening and he hasn't texted me at all today. I haven't texted him either because I wanted to see if he would text first and he hasn't. It just feels strange to me because I feel like two people in a relationship should want to exchange a few messages and ask about the other's day. I just don't want to keep texting him first.
He doesn't like talking on the phone because he can't see the other person so our primary means of communication is texting. We have spoken on the phone a few times but it's usually me calling him. I did ask him why he prefers his place and he said he doesn't know, he just does.
I do have a job, actually two part-time ones. It's not very much money but I do offer to pay or I say I'll treat him sometimes. However, every time I offer he refuses and says don't worry about it.
I do feel like I should talk to him about this issue but I just don't know how to without coming across as needy / like my happiness depends on him texting. It doesn't but I do feel like I need everyday communication to feel connected to a person. I have tried giving him something constructive or telling him specific things but it hasn't changed anything. I was actually going to give him the letter so he could read it in front of me but I don't think I'm going to do that now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): I'm going to approach this differently to the other answers as I noted that you mentioned that your bf plans your dates and pays every time you go out- why?Do you not have an income? Even if he earns substantially more than you there's nothing to stop you planning a picnic or something free to do with him. Could it be that he's a bit resentful of this and is expecting you to visit him to help redress the balance? Attitude to money is the biggest cause of arguments in long term relationships - just ask anyone that's been married a long time.I could be wrong but recently there have been at least two posts from men on DC complaining about their gfs not offering to pay. I'm much older than you but even in my age group women expect to contribute when going out on dates.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 May 2016):
Are you making a big deal of this? Yes, I think so, but that’s not to criticise you. Adjusting to the end of the honeymoon phase can be tricky: that’s the phase where you can’t think of anything else, sit with your phone there willing it to go off and all the chemistry is electric. It’s easy to take each other for granted, or to forget all those little things that you used to do. It does not sound like he cares any less for you or is trying to distance himself from you. I think you need to be giving him something constructive to work with, and I’m not sure this letter is the answer so I’d hang on to it for now. Why not tell him specific things that you like. “You know, I love that text I get around lunchtime saying you hope I’m having a nice day. Puts a smile on my face for the afternoon.” Doesn’t that sound much more helpful than complaining that he’s not texting so much? You have to meet each other half way: you can’t expect as much contact as before, but he has to realise that you deserve a bit more effort in return for the work you’re putting in to keeping up contact.
By the way I’m not a fan of texting and Facebook for relationships. Why don’t people make a call to each other once a day? That is more easily fitted around work and other commitments and you can say so much more and with so much more meaning than in an exchange of messages. So stop worrying at this stage that there’s any serious problem. Instead, think about specifics to give him: what do you want? What’s reasonable?
And talk to him too about the things he says. You seem slightly annoyed about his comment that he prefers his place, but you didn’t say that you’d asked him to explain why and what he meant. He could mean that he’d rather you came to him, but he doesn’t mind. He could be being selfish and lazy. He could have meant that there are better places to go around his area. Who knows, but ask him. Don’t bottle these small issues up because they’ll just get bigger and bigger in your head.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (30 May 2016):
I think an honest conversation is a key towards a healthy relationship. All these technology sometimes raises a high expectation on relationships (and work). I remember the days when people "write" longhand love letters and that's not everyday and it was enough because there was trust, love and honest communication. We only had one telephone in the house that people "share" so you can't be on the phone too long. It wasn't the quantity but the quality of each moment that meant more.
For you, I think the letter is a good idea. You dont know what is going on with him. But I think talking in person is better so you can see his reaction and gauge better what REALLY is going on.
My best experience with someone is when that person I loved decided to open up to me his self-doubts and dreams without having me ask too many questions. I think he felt secured that I wouldn't judge him. Just BE that person he can turn to, maybe things will turn around. Men I think needs a woman that is independent but is someone that can be there for them at their worst. Just like us, women. It's when we become too dependent on the other person to be happy that dissatisfaction starts occurring. Don't revolve your life on just him, live your life too.
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A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (30 May 2016):
 p.s. everyone prefers their own place. It's got their stuff there. It's more familiar to them.
don't worry about that.
Be happy he chose you as girlfriend. It's not like he is ignoring you all together.
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A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (30 May 2016):
Don't worry my bf and I did the same. We used to phone each other a lot. Now we don't and only see each other weekends.
If it really bothers you how it's changing with texts, talk the boyfriend about it.
Don't send the letter, it will only seem desperate and clinging.
Simply mention the texting level is lower than usual. Ask if work is taking up more of his time.
He could be tired from work so any free time he has he'd be sleeping.
As long as you both enjoy company together and don't argue it's going to be alright.
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