A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can I trust my boyfriend? I have trust issues stemming from childhood (parental divorce, alcoholic parent, stressed out parent, etc). I've improved in the trust department, but still have a long ways to go. I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He verbally, and with actions, demonstrates his love and commitment to me. But.......the thorn in my side is the incident a year ago when he was going to meet up for lunch with a woman he had pursued in the past. I found out the lunch was going to go down by snooping in his cell phone. (I know, I need to address that intrusive and hurtful behavior.) Through snooping in his cell phone texts, and then also emails and gchats, I found out that this was the friend he had briefly mentioned recently to me (at that time a year ago) who was a social and environmental activist. At first I didn't tell him I snooped and found out some info about her and their history ( they went on one date, she decided to decline any subsequent dates, they remained email and gchat buddies off and on...I even found a gchat my boyfriend had with a friend in which he asked for advice about this woman because he was interested in her but she wasn't in him but now she is getting back in contact with him...btw, that gchat was before we were together), but instead I asked my boyfriend for her telephone number so I can get more involved (I was unemployed at the time and wanted to do some volunteering).So, my boyfriend responded to my request for her telephone number by saying that he was going to go to lunch with her and he'll give me her phone number after the lunch. I felt hurt, angry, and suspicious that he wouldn't just give me her phone number. I revealed what I found out while snooping. He responded that, yes, they went on a date, but they BOTH decided not to continue dating (my readings of his emails and chats indicate otherwise). One thing he said, that he immediately retracted because he said he just didn't know what to say and was upset about me confronting him over the phone about this while he was at work, is that he answered yes to my question regarding if he didn't want to give me her phone number cause she might still have feelings for him. He later clarified that he didnt tell me about the lunch in the first place because he thought i would be unreasonably jealous give he had originally met her on match.com, and that it was a mistake not to tell me. Immediately, he stopped all communications with this woman. Nothing similar has happened since and he continues to be a loving boyfriend. But this has shaken me to my wounded, abandonment-fearing core. Am I the one who needs to work on my issues? Or is his behavior unacceptable? I'm just confused...help!
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female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Hello,
If your boyfriend goes on a date with another women (even if it didn't work out) that is still considered cheating.
However you invaded his privacy which is not acceptable either.
To be honest with you I don't think you can be happy with him. He cheated on you and you don't trust him. You can try to work it out with him but I think you'll be happier in the long run moving on.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2013):
 If your going to spend the rest of your life "walking on eggshells"... then you must reconcile that frivolous incidents like this are going to have 'way more effect on YOU then they would (have) on most other people.....
You really should seek professional help, to determine why you won't let go of your youthful difficulties,.... and why you aren't moving in to an ADULT life-situation... wherein the bogey-men of your childhood have no more impact on your life.....
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): "I revealed what I found out while snooping. He responded that, yes, they went on a date, but they BOTH decided not to continue dating" This date is the killer. If I read your post right, the date happened when he was 1.5 years in a relationship with you. And then he went to a date with another person to see if there was any feeling left (if you want to put it nicely).THAT IS A NO-NO. Change the situation to jobs, he basically went on a job interview behind his current employers (you) back to see if he could get a better job. He couldn't BUT it shows that he is willing to be on the look out for a better offer. Time to terminate his ass.You don't check out whether an ex is still available if you are in a relationship. He is only with you until something better comes along.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 May 2013):
 Yes, you are the one who needs to work on your issues. You were actively searching for "proof" of his disloyalty, so actively searching that your mind created a story that wasn't true, but you chose to believe it over believing your boyfriend. You chose to think of your boyfriend as a liar, because of things you read in e-mails and chats, which actually can't be taken as proof of anything.
Human communication is more than just text messages. What he meant, and how she understood it, IS different from what you understand it as. You no doubt added meanings to words by your own will, creating this proof of yours that you were so actively looking for. You created a mountain out of a mole hill. You did this, because of your problems with trusting people. You accused your boyfriend of cheating, without having any grounds for it. It is actually your actions that ruin HIM, not the other way around. He shouldn't have to prove himself to you all the time. It is you who needs to prove yourself to him. Not having trust in him is good reason to end the relationship. You are lucky he didn't leave you because of what you did.
You need to take responsibility for this. Did you apologize to him? He did tell you it was a mistake not to inform you about the lunch. People do make mistakes, and they don't do them on purpose to hurt you. YOU however, snooped on purpose, accused him of going behind your back, and it was all on purpose. While he made a mistake, you went on a right out attack on him. Did you apologize for this? It sounds like you didn't, because you still fail to take any responsibility for this. You say "his actions" has shaken you to your core. But it was your own actions who made you snoop, your own disbelief and distrust that hurt you. It was you who hurt yourself, and it is you who continue to hurt yourself. YOUR actions has shaken you to your core.
Stop blaming him for your insecurities. They were there before you met him, as you yourself have stated. What he did didn't make matters worse for you, it is this "need" of yours to play the victim and to create insecurity around yourself that caused this entire episode. You need to understand this before something similar happens again. You need to stop letting yourself get away with these thoughts of distrust because you are doing him wrong by not trusting him. You are actively punishing him by not trusting him. You are punishing him for whatever your parents did to you when you were a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): I don't understand what you are worrying about. He was infatuated with this woman, she didnt want to date him, and that was it. There is no indication that he wanted to pursue her after you guys were together.
I had a 4 year relationship with a man, who I was really in love with. I understood that he is not the one to have a family with, not that he wanted to at that time.
I was turning 30 and desided to actually find someone who I can marry. I married my husband and now we have 2 children, and I am very happy with my life. We talked with that man off and on for another 4 years but never met . One day I meet him at the coffee shop, and we sat and talked. He married also, but there were no kids.
Since then we went to couple of lunches to getter and always have a lovely time. My husband doesn't know about it, as he know about him and my crush on him. My fascination with this man is long gone, but he is a very interesting person and I would like to have him as a friend. I m not telling my husband just yet as I don't know how heis going to react to that I don't want to upset him. I m pretty sure he ll be fine, and eventually I will tell him.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 May 2013):
Dear OP,
As far as I understood the story, your boyfriend and this girl dated before you both got together and then one year ago they met for lunch, because they still somehow stayed in contact and chatted or mailed. When you asked him for the girls phone number he actually told you he was going to have lunch and then give you her phone number. When you confronted him, he cut contact.
To me, this doesn't really sound like he's an untrustworthy person. If he was up to something, I am sure you would have found out by now.
Maybe you need to define some boundaries in your relationship. No, he shouldn't cheat on you (and he didn't). But he also doesn't have to tell you everything and you don't need to know everything. Leave him some space to breathe. In the end, when you love you risk to get hurt and there's no "safe" way to love someone. Even if he never intended to and won't act on his feelings, he might fall in love with someone else some day. And the same could happen to you. There's always a small risk of that in every relationship, for each partner. To be happy together and show your love is still the best recipe to keep a relationship alive and make people stay, not control.
So, if I could tell you anything it would be that you might want to work on being happy and to find the self confidence to know that you would survive and find new love even if this guy left you one day.
All the best.
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